An update on sports and his Saturday.
BM is playing games still. SO looked closer and the game seems to start early enough in the morning that we could all stop on the way, she could play, and we could leave after. She wouldn't be able to stay to celebrate more than a few moments BUT she could play.
Now that's IF the time on the sheet is the start time. BM just keeps saying she needs to be on the field at that time. She will not tell if that is when the game starts or if the warm up stuff starts. She is being difficult instead of giving simple answers while my partner is trying to be flexible and make this all work out.
Either way he messaged her once more asking if the girl needed to be there early for warm up stuff. He has told her that we must leave by X time.
He intends to call his daughter when she gets out of school today and talk to her. He will let her know that we can stop on the way but she wont be able to join the team for any sort of after game stuff. If she is ok with that then we'll do it.
Now that's how he's handling the girl.
As for BM. He intends to send a very clear message letting her know that she is to NEVER do this to him again. She made him the bad guy and deliberately put their daughter between them on a matter that should have been between them as adults. There were 50 other ways she could have handled this that wouldn't have upset the child. My SO is willing to do what he can to ensure that the children don't miss out on things be it ball games, parties with friends, or whatever BUT BM needs to ask him in advance. She needs to let him decide if he is able / want's to do it before she tells the daughter if she can or can't go.
He is working on some final stuff for their divorce. Turns out he has to take this co parenting class before the court will accept the paperwork. Once it's done he will meet with the lawyer once more, go over the paperwork, and send the final offer. He wants to include in the email the messages he was sent and have it be known that she had no right to put this on him. That doing so negatively impacts his relationship with his daughter. It's not going to be in the CO per say but more the email accompanying it. Now will it have any positive impact maybe not BUT her lawyer has seemed to straighten her up a lot. One can hope that the lawyer can get her to understand that what she is doing will not be look upon kindly since she is deliberately causing harm to his relationship with his children by doing this. Again I know it's unlikely but one can dream.
Also the question about sports and the CO. They have currently agreed that which ever parent signs the child up for something that is completely on them. They are responsible for all fees and all transportation. The other parent isn't responsible for any part even getting the child to the activity during their time.
Oh since she finally sent ahead the scheduled this is the ONLY Saturday game if the kids don't make it into any sort of playoffs. The rest of the games are after school and should be over by November so I was wrong about that which I will admit.
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I agree with this... he needs
I agree with this... he needs to get some other contact to independently verify since BM isn't cooperative.
The paperwork she finally
The paperwork she finally sent him does not contain any contact information, Just the dates of the games.
He is trying to get the information but she is refusing to give it. She just keeps saying daughter needs to be on the field by X but wont say for sure that's when the game starts. If it starts then we're fine. If there's half an hour of pregame stuff then we need to skip it completely because we can only stay about an hour. She does this every time. There's something going on. She will claim he should know but the information she provides is incomplete. Sometimes he can call someone to find out but this time there is no contact and he doesn't know what group she is playing through.
Is the coach's information on
Is the coach's information on the sheet? If so, I would just call the coach. I'm guessing given the time of year and games only on weekends that you are talking about soccer. My BS7 plays soccer, this is his 3rd year playing. I read in your other blog that you SD7 doesn't seem that interested in playing? I think that's a 7 year old thing. BS7 will say things at home like "Ugh, I have soccer practice tonight?" "Oh man, I don't want to go to soccer" He's full of crap. Once he gets to practice, he is all smiles and tearing up the field. He LOVES having games and having everyone there to root for him. You really can't go by what a 7 year old says.
I get that BM should not have signed SD up without talking to your DH first, since games are on his time, but BM must be taking her to at least 2 days of practice a week, so it's not like she's doing nothing and expecting your DH to do it all. See if you can get the information for team coach and just contact them directly about what time SD needs to be there. (BS7 team is to show up 15 minutes prior to time on schedule to warm up and practice) I'm quite certain, if SD has to arrive late or leave early, it won't be a huge deal. But SD SHOULD go. In my opinion there is nothing worse than signing a kid up for a team sport and then not having kid participate in all practices and games. It's rude to the other kids and parents. Again, I know BM did this without checking with DH first, but at this point I feel like you need to try to make it work.
The attachments she sent
The attachments she sent through the app do not have the couches information. She has practice once a week on BM's time. After looking over we were incorrect and this does appear to be the only game that is on Saturday IF the kids don't make it to playoff's and if it's anything like last year they wont.
Daughter does seem to enjoy practice and the games from what SO gathers but she puts in no effort outside of it. On weekends we have her we will take her to the park to offer time to practice other soccer skills and she's just not interested. Honestly I think it's that this is one of the few things she get's to do that's not sitting at home though I don't know for a fact that's true.
We are trying to arrange for her to be at the game. The thing is if she spends half of the time doing warm up she wont even be able to stay for one half of the game which will only make it worse. We must leave by x time. If the game truly starts when we are being led to believe then that's no problem. She shouldn't miss any of the actual game. She just wont get to go out with the team afterwards if they do anything but that's no big.
Again most of our frustration is that BM told daughter she was going then put her on the phone with my partner to have him tell her she couldn't. BM then in the background pressured the girl to ask more questions which just made it worse. SO said that when he first said she couldn't go and reminded her why she was upset. It was BM's goading that made it worse.
Make sure the coaches aren't
Make sure the coaches aren't BFF with the BM, too. We were up against that factor as the Girhippo is practically MAYOR of her hometown, Podunk, NY population 4000.
See if there is a web portal from the sports dept. and have DH go there directly to pick up any informational flyers. Make sure DH's phone number is on the contact list in case there are last minute schedule changes and cancellations. In our case we had a HELL of a time keeping Chef's number on the contacxt list. The entire school district admins and teachers are contemporaries of the Girhippo and all know her as "Soccer Mom MOTY" (TM) and "Phoenix Who Rose From The Ashes of a Bitter Divorce with her Asshole Ex-Husband" (PASinatorBM 12:7) (insert massive eye roll)
It's a city league. Go
It's a city league. Go directly to the source. Dad does need to play games with the defiant BM. Call the source, find who coaches/directs the activity.
Because I don't like the way your BM performs, I'd play hardball with her. She signed the kid up for an activity BM can in no way support the kid in due her BM's work schedule. Two weekends of the month are not even BM's weekends. I'd agree to take the kid every weekend and BM can be the bad guy. Meaning she can give Dad every weekend from Friday after school to Sunday late afternoon during the course of the activity. Since BM decided all on her own that Dad would participate , then I would participate fully if I were the Dad.
He will pick and kids every Friday and do the activity in full. BM isn't home during the weekends anyway. She doesn't need to send kiddo with whoever she can find to transport the kid. Dad will do it.
It's a win for Dad. He gets extra time with kids. He gets the credit from his daughter for making the activity happen for his daughter when her ditz mother could not and BM becomes the bad guy if she declines his very generous offer. The kid deserves a parent participating and supporting the kid. BM signed kid up, surely a parent being available and willing every weekend to transport and physically be there to support the kid was something she was willing to make sure happened, right
Well, Dad's that guy. He's off every weekend and he enjoys participating with his kids. So she can let Dad have the kids every weekend for this and everybody will be happy. Kid and Dad ....I bet that teaches her not to try this stunt again.
We were incorrect about the
We were incorrect about the dates.
But if it were every weekend it doesn't make BM the bad guy for SO to take the girl because it doesn't hold BM accountable for signing the girl up at a time she had no right to do so.
It isn't as easy as Dad taking them. We live over an hour away. We pick the kids up on Friday. He'd then have to take them back and forth on Saturday, then return them on Sunday. That eats up any ability to do anything outside of this on those weekends as well as eating up money in gas. It means that son gets dragged along to something that he get's upset about because he has to sit on a bleacher and isn't allowed to participate in.
No BM should not have signed up the kid without talking to SO. If it were every Saturday he would be demanding the daughter be removed.
He is trying to find out exactly where she is signed up through so he can confirm times with the couch. The information BM sent is incompletely. There are multiple groups through the city that have teams. He has no clue who she is playing through.
MEMORIES!!!! Oh I remember
MEMORIES!!!! Oh I remember trying to get the schedule outside of the BM's evil zone. Girhippo would sign skids up for EVERYTHING.UNDER.THE.SUN on CHEF'S time and in HER town (which, at the time was a 45 minute one way drive) She also expected us to provide transport both ways; the Girhippo merely showed up to gossip with her friends; not paying a BIT of attention to her kids on the field, who didn't want to be there anyway. Basically a big photo op/optics event for "MOTY." :sick:
I asked the coach (before my disengagement days) for a football schedule (for OSS) and when she found out that I was Chef's SO, BOY THE FIREWORKS started. I soon found out that the coach (female) was a good buddy of the Girhippo's. She screamed at me and told me to "get the schedule from the Girhippo herself!" Then I said that wasn't really possible, she screamed again (literally) and said she "wasn't going to get in the middle of it" and that the "Girhippo paid for the sports not us" which I then stated that WE actually pay MASSIVE EXTRA CS for outside activities and that the Girhippo merely signed OSS up WITHOUT consulting us as per the CO."
"CLICK!!!!"
The coach disconnected the conversation.
This is the second time she
This is the second time she has done something like this where she has told the kids "yes" without talking to him.
He does his best to make sure things happen because he doesn't want them to miss out because of the split homes but in this case when he said he wasn't able to she put the daughter in the middle.
Instead of being the adult and telling the girl herself that she wouldn't be able to attend she made a big deal and got the child all worked up over it. She makes it sound like missing one game is the end of the world and does build it up putting all the blame on SO. That he's a horrible father.
Again we already have plans and had them since July. The daughter knew and was onboard with going.
Now though we do thing we can work it out so we can do both things if BM would stop being a child.
She brags about all the "co parenting" they do but really it's always my partner who leads it. She just goes along because it benefits her. Any time there's a chance for her to exclude him or make him the bad guy she pulls this crap.
I feel your pain. We went
I feel your pain. We went through the exact same thing. The Girhippo would always brag about how she is trying to "co-parent with unreasonable biodad" (Patent Pending)
The only thing that took the wind out of her sails was when OSS turned 19, he moved out and posted about it on FB. She also posted that yes she was aware that he was moving out (but still wanting to collect CS through age 21 as is the case here in BM-centric NYS). When my fauxbook account caught her red handed pulling this stunt and not making us aware of it, we contacted our attorney and got OSS emancipated. Boy was she full of red-hot rage!!! Caught with her pants down--so much for her "co-parenting" with Chef!!!
She's now determined not to have another "accidental emancipation" on the two remaining skids, SD stb 19 and YSS stb 15.
If it's any consolation, a whole lot of biodads and SMs go through this every day. SIGH!
If yall do go to the game
If yall do go to the game this weekend try to make friends with some of the parents. Maybe look for the other lady that a kid is calling by her first name.. and who looks really uncomfortable..lol. Then see if they will share by email schedules since "we aren't always kept in the loop...eye roll".
SO has messaged BM telling
SO has messaged BM telling her we will have the child at the field by the time she said BUT that we will be leaving by the time we need to.
He plans to call the girl tonight to let her know the plan. Hopefully also find out if we do need to be there early because BM swears she needs to be there by x but that's when the game starts. I've never known of a team that you didn't have to arrive early to do whatever before hand.
Unfortunately BM infects other parents. She spreads all sorts of lies and basically has everyone believing that SO is this evil man who walked out on her and refused to have contact with the kids. We can try but I don't know if it will go over well.
"Unfortunately BM infects
"Unfortunately BM infects other parents. She spreads all sorts of lies and basically has everyone believing that SO is this evil man who walked out on her and refused to have contact with the kids. "
The juvenile, hostile, enmeshed BM does this all.the.time. :sick: Pretty sad.
On a good note the school
On a good note the school teachers and staff seem to see through it so we got that going for us.
Like I said in another post. She tried whining about me being at a school event and was basically told to stay away from us because I had as much right to be there as she did.
Yep. I remember when the
Yep. I remember when the Girhippo sent me a HAND WRITTEN NOTE saying that I was, and I quote "Not fit to even GLANCE upon HER BABIES." :sick: She made a stink about me sitting in on a school conference where she inflicted massive drama on everyone attending--quite a show complete with holding her hand to the side of her face so she could "block out" Chef and I who were sitting there like she was soooooo traumatized by our presence! Fake tears ensued as well. She was trying to get skids labeled as "learning disabled" at the time. I said "I find all three skids to be quite clever and intelligent" which galled her to no end.
Result? School district sided with the Girhippo stating, and I quote, "The non custodial parent's opinion doesn't matter--we have to go with what the custodial parent wants."
She did the withholding visitation thing, then she discovered internet dating and was leaving the skids home alone at rather young ages (they have already been purposely developmentally delayed by her enmeshment), then when she found substitute dad (StepDaddyBigBucks) she ramped up the PAS significantly and started in with the fake CPS reports (at the time she WORKED for CPS as a caseworker, if you can imagine the horror!)
Then she started squeezing off visitation--when she was dating, she couldn't dump the skids off fast enough or often enough. She let any Tom, Dick and Harry, flav of the week "watch" the skids for her and they were always in tow with her MOTHER (BM's BM, Battleaxe Gallactica who PASed out the Girhippo against HER own father).
I would NEVER see the Girhippo in town doing mundane things with her children. . .ever. MOTY doncha know.
Oh.. that would be "game ON"
Oh.. that would be "game ON" for me. I would show up with snacks for the team. (make sure to check with coach of course first... which should be findoutable. Must not be but so many soccer teams in the area).
I would be the most nice and friendly person EVER. Those ladies would be sooooo surprised that i was so NICE!
Then it becomes really apparent that BM has been poisoning the well.
If anyone would dare to say .. well didn't DH do X.. look at them really confused and wide eyed and say.. not that I know of, I thought it was because BM was boffing the mailman.
Nope she was doing his
Nope she was doing his boss......and then someone else.... then someone else... As we recently heard from someone she's basically been "used more than a doorknob."
I wish we could stay long enough. I'd offer to take the whole team out for pizza and ice cream but just going is pushing it. We have to leave when we've said. If we don't we will miss our other engagement. That's why SO kept trying to get an answer out of her but she just keeps saying "she has to be there at X." She wont say if its when the game starts or what. Poor girls going to be sad if we have to pull her out halfway through so we can go BUT BM knows and the girl will know too.
She knows what our plans are and she was excited about them so while she'll be upset in the short term I think she'll get over it pretty quick.