Up and Down - I want off this rollercoaster
Last Friday, BB told SS13 she couldn't handle him anymore and he had to come live with his dad. She's done this a few times and doesn't seem to understand how much she hurts him.
We were supposed to meet tomorrow night to go over the specifics. She called dh last night and told him this was only temporary. Yes, we knew that and he told her it would addressed in a document for them both to sign. She said, "No! She only meant for it to be for a month!"
Why the Hell would she hurt this kid and do all of this if it was only going to be for a month. Her intention (as she told me last Saturday) was for it to be for the next school year.
I knew she'd back down and want to pull SS back.
SS is having major behavior problems in school and is failing. I KNOW it's a direct response to the problems he's having in his home life. Social services was involved with SS once before. Dh is going to call them today, but it's a long shot whether they will be able to help.
There's not much we can do. In our state, we won't win custody if BB won't give it up. SS wants to live 1/2 time at both houses - even though he admits it's not good for him. We're stuck and cannot help SS other than to be there for him 1/2 time.
I'm so sick of our family legal system. How many children have to be sacrificed before something changes???
If I were a betting person, I'd bet everything I owned that BB won't give up SS because of the child support $$$.
Dh is hurting. He really believed that she'd give SS to him. I actually believed her for awhile this time too, but knew she'd eventually want it overturned.
I think it's emotional abuse to try to discipline a child by telling him that you don't want him any longer. I think that's exactly what she's been doing. This is the third time in the past 6 months, but it's the only time that SS actually was actually delivered to us with a bag packed.
That's my vent for the day. One more emotional scar for SS 
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One more thing
Since last Friday, dh has been working with SS every night on his homework. He went from a 5% in math to a 46%!!! It's still a failing grade, but he could get it up above failing if he were allowed to be with us. Dh works with him! Dh doesn't leave him home alone and go to the bar! We make sure his homework is done. We have dinner together every night and talk. We are THERE for SS. She is not and does not care about his grades or behavior or even his happiness until she gets the call from the school and it affects HER life.
OK. I'm done venting now.
Oh didddos, this is so familiar!
DH and I went through the same thing. BM wanted us to take SD when she was a handful, then BM wanted her back. We helped her with school, kept her on track, provided her with a stable home but it came down to the money. Both SDs have told us that they know their mom only kept them to keep getting the check, but they still can't/won't admit that she did anything wrong by them.
All I can say is just keep doing what you are doing. Your SS knows what is going on, even if he can't acknowledge it. I know that it is frustrating to be used as a punishment, but it will backfire against her, trust me.
marika
This is the same with my DH's ex
I am so sorry that you, your husband and your SS are going through this. I can honestly say I know what it feels like and it sucks! My husbands ex has done this so many times it is sick and there is nothing we can do becasue SS11 still wants to be with his mom. He is with us now becasue she just decided one day the stress was to much checked herself in the hospital and took a mental break. Well, she called her mom told her to call DH and have take custody of SS11. Well this meant pulling him from school to go to our schools, moving all of his stuff everything. When she got out of the hospital 3 days later she packed all of her belongings and left!!! BUT, she still wants child support. This is a bunch of crap, we have all of the kids and she has -0-. She has always told the kids if they didn't act right they would have to go live with their father and other crap. We found out that SS11 had missed 20 days of school and was also tardy another 19 days. He pretty much did as he wanted because she was never around. I can't afford to take her back to court for the 4th time. Yes the 4th time!!! And even if we did, where would we send the papers to have her served, we don't know where she is. I am so tired and don't know what to do. My nerves are shot!!!!
Marika and Stacy
I'm sorry you're both going through this too. It does help to know others are going through this. I wish there was a way to get our skids together. A support group of understanding peers might help them.
We also cannot afford to take BM back to court again. We've financially run out of options. Even if we could afford it, we know what the outcome would be. Social services stepping in is our only hope. I don't put much faith in them though either. If they would interview the school administrators, the principal, I think they might actually step in. I doubt that will happen though. They have bigger fish to fry. My SS's pain is minimal to them.
Good luck to you both. I'm just going to keep telling SS that he is loved and that he will always have a home with us. There's not much else I can do.
Actually, the BM part for me is over
Older SD is 21 and younger is 18. So I hope that I can help you see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and it isn't necessarily a train!!)
marika
Did they turn out ok?
I'm so scared for SS. He is on such a bad path. He skipped school and ran away last Friday. Thankfully, he was found and is ok (physically). He's had In School Suspension 10 times this school year!! He's failing. If we can't find a way to step in and get him away from BM, he may get to the point where we can't help him.
As an example, when he was found last Friday, the only thing his mother said to him was a screaming fit over how dirty he and all of the camping equipment that he stole was, and how it was going to take her 2 days to clean it all. Nothing about his behavior. Nothing about being happy that he was alive and well..... She's nuts.
Well, if you read my blogs you know older SD & I are not
getting along at all and that I find her to be selfish and a royal pain in the a$$, BUT she does have a job, she got her GED and she plans to attend a community college this fall in spite of being a single mother. Younger SD married the father of her baby, but doesn't have a GED and seems to think the world owes her a living, but neither one of them turned to drugs or alcohol or crime.
I think that if you and your DH continue to provide a stable home when your SS is there, he will at least see how normal people live. It may not be quick, but he will eventually come around to better behavior. Both of my DHs daughters still have some bad habits from their mom, but they both have commented on how neat it is to see how my family and my husband's family are so nice to each other and how everyone is willing to help out if there is trouble. I do believe that love and caring always win.
You are living my life!
Our bm is the same exact way, she wants my dh and I to do the grunt work to "fix" her kid, but when it might look good for her to have custody, or when she "needs" ss to be there to raise her younger son, well then suddenly he doesn't fit in at our home. It is a never ended roller coaster with her.
We recently sent ss to go live with his mother, not b/c we can't handle ss, but we can not work with his mother. She is contantly changing her mind, always undermining us, and talking trash about us to win the approval of her 13 year old kid, and as a result, ss is completly and totally bitter, harboring deep seeded anger, refuses to cooperate, and is very defiant. Well, you reap what you sow.
We are no longer working with bm, she is on her own. Recenlty, she moved our out of her bf's house, and immediately ss wanted to move back in with her (b/c he runs his mother), so she started talking shit of course and took him back. 38 days later, she calls dh telling him she is sick of ss, and asked if we would find a summer camp for her to dump him off at. Now, she is dating her ex bf again, and talking so much trash about dh to ss, that ss is telling kids at school dh "kicked' him out, and dh "abandoned" him.
Bm is thoroughly dysfunctional and honestly shouldn't have unsupervised visitations with her kids, but hey the courts disagree. I know we can lay our heads down at night and sleep b/c we TRIED. You can't work with the level of inconsistency like our bm, and no marriage can take her abuse.
Unfortunately, it's the kids that get to pay the price! I'm very sorry you are having to experience this. Try not to let it get you down, be there the best you can for ss, but do draw your boundaries and stick with them.
Bests,
Candice
THIS IS MY LIFE
Our Bm is the exact same way. SS got expelled from 3rd grade, now she wants us to fix him and send him back. She has said so many times she could not handle him, and that it would be better if he lived with us. But, then she backs out. SS is all for living with us he says we have more time for him,(bm has 4 kids). I have stopped hoping this will happen, When it finally does I'll need to be given CPR.lol