Please help me on this one!!! Im about to lose it!!
So before reading this, those of you who have followed my whole story, please think of my prior posts..
As of late BF and I have been at war with the issue of BM texting my BF. How she misses him, trashes me, starts her shit between us and brings complete and utter stress to our relationship.. So today I call BF and remind him I'm working sat, so say "do you just wanna ride out together sunday morning and pick up the kids?" He says "mmmm, no. How about I have BM drop the kids at our house sat" I stupidly reply (the first thing popped into my insecure head) "what time?" He says after he gets outta work, and I say... "As long as I'm there that's fine"
BF says "so your telling me that I have to ask if the mother of my kids can drop them off at my house, and that's a problem?" (He is pissed) I say, nevermind. He says "yea, nevermind cause I'm pissed and we will talk about this later" and hangs up..
I send him a message stating:
"So BM is allowed to ban me from her home when she hates me any random day, but when I would feel completely uncomfortable having BM in OUR home while I'm gone, I'm in the wrong?"
He says " I didn't think I needed a babysitter, that's fine."
UGH!!!!! So finally I say to him," I guess due to the insecurities brought on by BM as of late, I said the first thing that popped in my head" I also said "I've been working so hard at this relationship and I'm so tired of fighting over BM! You don't even see how the stress she is allowed to put on our relationship is hurting us, and I'm terrified she is gonna tear us apart"
BF replies "BM is my ex, but also the mother of my children, and if she offers to drive them out I'm going to allow that,its not like me and BM are gonna be hanging out.. I didn't think I needed your permission to see my kids, or to have you make me wait to see them until your available to go with me, and I'm busy at work so let me be"
Sorry so long and jumpy, but I'm pissed and hurt!! All he does is defend BM, I am the one who offers to take the kids every weekend and watch them while BF is at work all day!!! And he accuses me of denying him a right to see them??? BM gets pissed and forbids me from entering her home, but I'm supposed to be comfortable with BM waltsing into my home while I'm at work? After all her sappy texts to my BF?? I'm screaming in my head right now!!!!
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1) Stop offering, they are
1) Stop offering, they are his kids let him handle them.
2) it seems like he has some control issues. He is making this an issue of control when it should be an issue of respect. I think that if the BM drops the skids off that is great (saves you gas) but she should not go into your house.
3) reconsider this relationship. If at this stage you are having this problem it probabl won't change, it'll get worse. Being the "mother of my kids" should not a allow a woman free access. IMO.
Yes, and after the battleing,
Yes, and after the battleing, he just now sends me a message "hey, I love you" ???????
then you need to respond
then you need to respond with, I love you too. and if you do love me liek you say you will, you will respect me. if she is your x then you need to treat her as that. if she wants to drop off the kids so be it. but this is my home (our home) and you do not want her in your home. this has nothing to do with you seeing your children, it's about bm not coming in between us.
I agree with others comments
I agree with others comments above. She can just drop them off. No need for the coming in thing. My ex tryed that stunt, we now have her pick up at the local grocery store. Don't need the drama. I know it is sad, but, you need peace in your future.
i feel so lucky that DH wants
i feel so lucky that DH wants NO contact from BM. he hates her with a passion and has since their divorce. she will honk for the kids and if we have to get them from her we'll text saying we're here. good luck.
I don't understand why either
I don't understand why either household would allow the other parents to go inside. That is just wierd. I have never been in BM's house and she has never been off the front step since I have lived in this house. She was never allowed in my house when I was watching the Skids for her. I have limited contact to maybe 5 conversations for the last 6 years. The last two have been so pleasant why would anyone want more?
You need to step out of his calls with BM and do not allow her to be in your house. Your driveway fine, but not your house.
I get all the responses, but
I get all the responses, but I don't know how BF will respond to BM not entering our home.. I wish that BF would never go into her home at pick up and drop off, but he does.. And why?? Oh yes, cause they are friends for the kids, and he isn't going to "treat the mother of his kids like shit"
And belndedfam, yea I agree, but I'm not the father or mother, BF chooses to walk into BMs house at each pick up and so on as I said.. I tried stopping that once before.. When I look at who creates the problems, I think its been obvious that its BM... And sure, maybe I could not "allow" her to cause problems, but I'm sure many ppl agree, at times, that's impossible! And let's see, just last wknd BM was in OUR home with her BF to drop off kids, I was there, BF was not.. At this time I thought BM was done with her games.. Yes, BF is with me, and not only is the texting from her ridiculous and pathetic, its OLD.. My point, is BF doesn't need to have the constant "friendly" conversation woth BM.. Everybodies situation is differernt, and I assure you I would have no problem with them communicating, but BM is a manipulative liar!! And I'm sorry if I'm some wierdo cause I don't want that woman in my home when I'm not there...
OMG...You are spot on
OMG...You are spot on goforit!!!! WOW loved your post because you are absolutely right!!!
You have a problem with your
You have a problem with your boyfriend.
He hasn't truly separated from 'the mother of his children'. He still puts her on a pedestal - that's what that phrase translates to to me.
You need to have a serious discussion with him about boundaries and respect. Make sure he understands what your boundaries are. Tell him it is time for him to separate - REALLY separate - meaning separate lives - no chit chat, no going into each other's homes.
If he isn't willing to do that then he isn't ready for a relationship with anyone except her and, unfortunately for you, I think you will always come in last.
Ok.. Goforit, thank you!!!
Ok.. Goforit, thank you!!! That's exactly how I feel! Blendedfam, your right, his expressions for her are annoying as well.. I'm so damn sick of everything being OK cause "she is the mother of his children" and do I feel last on the list at times?? Your damn right I do, and I have brought this up!! As for the trash talking, supposedly BF was pissed and went off on her, do I know this for a fact?? NO.. Umm.. (Sry tryin to respond to all) Yes my main thing is why should I put BM on a pedistol when she trashes me?? In front of the skids!! This is pissing me off, can I run?? I could leave BF at any point, he is in MY house.. Sure he moved in, but it was MY house 3 yrs prior to him moving in! So BF would be finding somewhere to live, and I can tell you all very easily, he would be SCREWED! He wouldn't have any money to get a place and support himself and those kids!! Maybe my telling BF today that he allows BM to strain our relationship will mean something.. Here's my thought; when I get home I feel like telling bf, "you can text BM all damn day every day as you please, you can put her first, you can defend her stupidity.. BUT I'm gonna be here, I'm gonna give you some time to sit back and think, look at the big picture.. And maybe one day realize that I am the one who makes you happy, helps you financially, helps with your children, tries my damndest to be friendly with BM when she fuc*s it up everytime..." So maybe BF will realize all that I do, that I fight, because I am trying! That wether or not BM is the mother of her children, she has no right to do what she is doing, and if he is allowing it, there is a hell of a lot more at hand!!
"you can text BM all damn day
"you can text BM all damn day every day as you please, you can put her first, you can defend her stupidity.. " yes say that but then..
I'm not willing to be in a relationship with you if you do.
Your other way was still being in the role of trying to prove to him how good you are. You don't need to. You're going to tell him that you're standing by waiting for him to see how great you are? Uh-uh. No incentive there for him to change anything.
Only you know if this stuff is really a deal breaker or just annoying and should die down over time. If BF is egging her on or just "managing" her by letting her be stupid and not rocking the boat. A lot of guys will do that, ones who don't want/like confrontation.
Posionapples, thanks And I
Posionapples, thanks
And I totally agree, and that's what scares me.. I will go ahead and sound like an idiot here..I love him, and I have been trying.. What is my problem?... I am hurt.. All the things BM has done to betray and manipulate him, and every thing I have done, to welcome him and his children into my home, to bust my ass working 11 hrs a day so I can provide, to make both my 2 spare bedrooms into rooms for his children, to try and try to be nice to that friggin BM, and for the total and utter lack of respect I get in return!!!
Why would you even want to go
Why would you even want to go in BMs home and vice versa. I have never stepped foot in BM's home and she has not in ours... I see absolutely no legitimate reason (other than a b-day party or something to that effect when there are also alot of other people present) but why would she feel the need to enter your home just to drop kids off?? I would make it clear to BF that it is fine for her to drop them off, but she need not leave the driveway. I know it sucks.. I've been there almost like it's not that you don't trust your BF, you don't trust HER and don't need that worry brewing in your gut all day while you're at work knowing that she is dropping kids off and doing/saying who knows what to your BF.
LizzieA, I can assure you BF
LizzieA, I can assure you BF will never ever start a confrontation with her.. It kills me cause he "despises" BM so much, can't stand what she does, how she lies, how money hungry she is, how she still won't get a job, how she has dragged out their divorce, and so on... BUT he can be best friends with her... How BF "loves me so much" and "I'm who he wants" yet, he allows this bullshit to go on... I have said so many times that the communication btwn them needs to stop, and only around when its for the kids!!! His answers... "You want me to treat BM like shit?" NO, I never said that... Or "you want me to just cut off all ties with her?" NO, again, not what I said...
He's not best friends with
He's not best friends with her. He is "not poking the snake" by being outwardly compliant. My DH did that a little with BM until everything was settled--he didn't want open warfare though he really felt like biting her head off.
It does concern me the statements your BF makes--the exaggeration - you want her not to hang out in your house, he calls it "treating her like" - that's a tactic to deflect you and get you to back off.
DaizyDuke, BINGO!!! It is BM
DaizyDuke, BINGO!!! It is BM I do not trust!! But how do I explain that to BF???? I've tried before, as BFs brother said, I have no idea what BM says to BF, she is the queen bee of manipulation.. What I hear? "Oh (BF) if you leabe DG you will be saving money, you can be back with your kids, and I will do this, and I will do that" and so on.. Why do I wanna be in BMs house? I don't! BF is the one who goes on there, so I go in with him.. I can almost bet BF wouldn't go along with not goin in her house.. If he can't even end the fuckin texts...
Blendedfam, that's makes
Blendedfam, that's makes sence, but as I said before.. Back in october, BF went back to BM, for a week.. Woop woop, but as I said, maybe that's why I have trust problems.. If your hubby had a stalker who also was the mother to 3 of his children, would you feel comfortable with them being alone in your home? Honestly?
OMG Dguiwh...you are a strong
OMG Dguiwh...you are a strong woman.
If my DH EVER went back to BM...I'd be outta there sooo fast!
Amen! I give you tons of
Amen! I give you tons of credit there Dguiwh! If my hubby ever went back to BM for 1 minute (or anybody else for that matter) I would have been long gone because I refuse to live with that mistrust and constant knot in my stomach wondering when it will happen again. My hubby and I had a similar conversation when we first met because I was annoyed that he seemed to be so buddy buddy sometimes with BM when he tells me how much he hates her, what an ugly bitch she is, etc etc. then he tells me that when he left her when his son was like 6 months old (11 years ago because she was such a bitch), he ended up letting her move back in with him when son was like 3 because her new BF kicked her out and she "had no place else to go" and that he slept in the laundry room for the whole 6 months she was there but that he would take her shopping and cater to her demands. I said "why would you do that if you couldn't stand her?" He said he was trying to keep the peace and if she was going to be there that maybe he could get it to work for their son.... I said MY POINT exactly... you STILL have a son with her so what is to stop you from thinking you can try and work it out again? THAT is why i was getting defensive and mis-trusting when they seemed to be buddy buddy and I bet that is exactly how dguiwh feels...
'The father of his kids' may
'The father of his kids' may be very scared to rock the boat with his ex because his nice tidy little friendship (with the added bonus of seeing his kids) could come crashing down around his ears.
I would word it like this...
I undestand getting along with your ex so you can coparent. I understand I cannot dictate who you talk to and when you can see them. You are an adult and can make your own plans and decisions.
However what I CAN control is who comes in MY house that I own. She is not welcome. She is rude to me and aout me. I do not allow rude people in MY home. I can also control who is in my life and whether I can live with their baggage. Right now your baggage is getting way into the excess oversized level.
In my perfect relationship with you I agknowledge you have an exwife and she is the mother of your kids. However you agknowledge my feelings and values and decisions are more important than hers. You respect my decisions surrounding my house and my life. If you cannot do that then we have different priorities. I love you but I refuse to be 2nd best to anyone.
Well I was gone.. BF came
Well I was gone.. BF came back to me... Crying, saying he made a mistake.. Said he was never happy with BM and that I showed him how happy he could truly be.. It took me a while, but I took him back.. Things were good, obviously we have our hurdles.. As of now, this has been the biggest. I told him when I took him back, this is it, this is your only chance. He said he would never give me a reason to wanna leave.. Well... Here I am. In love with this man, who I feel hasn't or doesn't know how to, completly detach from his ex..
Oneoffour, that makes sence
Oneoffour, that makes sence too.. But I'm so afraid of giving an altimadum (spelling?) I don't want him to leave.. I just don't know how to stress the severity of this...
You smile and say "This isn't
You smile and say "This isn't about your ex wife. This is about you not respecting me and sharing my values and ethics. I know you have kids because they are not here by osmosis. However you are pushing me away and making her wishes more important than mine. If you cannot be my equal then perhaps we are not as suited as I thought we were. I think we need some counselling session to get us back on track and on the same page"
Honey, it isn't about his ex 'winning'. It is about your DH growing some and standing up for you or anyone else he chooses to be involved with. Now I am sure some women out there are quite OK with his behaviour. They can let him chat all freaking day to his ex. However you (and I) aren't those kinds of people. Does it make us wrong? No. Just not well suited for that kind of man.
Do you have children of your own? If so ask him how he would feel if you texted all day with your ex and excluded DH from decisions etc. Sometimes men get it when you turn the tables on them.
He is getting way too tied up in the "Mother of my Kids" model. Yes, he respects her. But if he respects her more than he respects you then things are doomed. I would not put up with being 2nd best ..... ever. I used to but not any more.
Totally agree with this. My
Totally agree with this.
My ex used to come around and say things that made it very clear that he was having trouble with his new wife and that if she knew he was talking to me or helping me she'd blow a gasket. He wanted to confide in me about her but I wouldn't let him. I'll be honest, it gave me a sense of power.
Stepaside!! Everything you
Stepaside!! Everything you said makes TOTAL sence! I'm about to post a blog on my update... Hold on