Next step? Breaking my heart!
Some of you may remember my blogs concerning making the mistake of blending my family with two boys,19&17, and his two, daughter 16 and son 21. As you can probably guess, things didn't work out. My 17 yr old son came to me sobbing that he was moving in with his dad. It broke my heart, but I could not force him to stay in such a miserable situation. My SO and his kids moved out into an apartment the first week of May. This was originally HIS idea when he saw how heart broken I was over my son leaving. Well the move didn't happen soon enough before we had a blowout! His daughter has been raised to think she's an adult and has the same rights as any adult. She and I had a few words when she tried to get in the middle of her dad and my argument. Needless to say, they were gone within two days.
I haven't spoken to princess since that very day. She speaks her trashy mind and then gets treated by dad and bro like she's the victim. SO and I still love each other, but princess clearly comes first. We now have one night together a week and part of the next day. Sunday has been declared "Family Day" for him and his "kids". His son is nice to me until sis comes around. I've been feeling like I'm the one being punished because his children have put such a guilt trip on him. He tells me that he has missed out on a year of their lives by being with me and my kids. His son sits across a desk from him every day at work! They ride to and from work together! So what exactly has he missed? When SO and I try to spend time together, his phone is constantly receiving texts and calls from the two of them. Last weekend when he stayed over, he started receiving texts from son at 7:15 in the morning saying he was BORED! Then daughter calls from a friends house wanting dad to come pick her and her friend up and take them to blah, blah, blah! He told her no to which she quickly responds with where are you? He tells her with me and the phone goes deadly silent. She gets her disapproval known by not responding. He tells her he will call her later. Of course she calls three more times before he finally leaves.
Four months ago SO bought concert tickets for me, my two sons, his kids, and himself. The concert is Saturday in Atlanta (5 hr drive round trip). I asked him tonight if we were doing anything Saturday. He says,"well the kids and I are going to Atlanta to the concert, and then have to drive straight back for church Sunday. This will be the third time he has gone to church without inviting me like he said he would. He also said that he sold the other three tickets already. Said he would probably stay with me Friday night but would have to leave for Atlanta around 1:00, but he would come over after church too. I held it together, but quickly got off the phone. He is absolutely breaking my heart! I'm considering going out Saturday night with one of my girlfriends. I've got to find a way to turn the tables back to him pursuing me instead of feeling like it's the other way around. Suggestions?
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Comments
Oh dear. This doesn't sound
Oh dear. This doesn't sound like a good situation any way you slice it. I'd cut ties and find someone who isn't using you as a booty call (1X per week you spend together?) That's ridiculous. You deserve better.
It may sound like a booty
It may sound like a booty call, but 80% of the time it's just us holding each other while we sleep. It just makes me feel like he never really loved me in the first place since he was able to turn away from the person I fell in love with overnight! I do not feel secure like I used to and am having anxiety attacks again. This is my body's reaction to a lot of stress.
If his kids are controlling
If his kids are controlling him like that now how do you think he'll be in say 3 years? Not any different. They don't change. It's either you and the kids come second or you'll have to move on. I'd be so sad in your situation. You have held on long enough. Your kids deserve better too.
I waited 7 years after my
I waited 7 years after my divorce to even go out on a date. We've been dating/engaged for a year and eight months. He hasnt dated anyone more than twice in thirteen years. I'm just tired of being put and putting myself last. I deserve better than this.
>>> I've got to find a way to
>>> I've got to find a way to turn the tables back to him pursuing me instead of feeling like it's the other way around.<<<
I don't have any suggestions, but do you honestly in your heart want a guy like that pursuing you?
Your SO is in an unhealthy,
Your SO is in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship with his "kids" and likely to remain so as he does not seem capable of getting a life, and neither do they. I agree with the other posters who feel you should cut your losses and find someone who does not come with two great big cuckoos welded up his butt.
Yor heart is breaking because
Yor heart is breaking because this man is NOT the man you thought he was. If he was, he wouldnt be treating you like he is.
Firstly he has hardly missed out on one year of his kids lives considering he lives with them 24/7 and works with his son...unless he defines "missing out" by not being to sleep with them, have dates with his DD and be with them EVERY waking moment?! :sick: THIS statement demonstrates how unhealthy his obsession is with his children, he lives his life through them, he needs his *fix* from them. Consider this; when you meet the love of your life you tend to feel they have enriched your life NOT see it as a sacrifice, taking away from time with your kids. Do you want to be viewed as an interloper? Thats the message he is sending you. That YOU are responsible for ruining the last year as he has been unable to spend ALL his time worshipping his kids. If someone had told me that I would tell them to F off.
Secondly you mention that your OH has sold tickets he purchased for you and your son's for a concert, yet didnt bother to discuss this? :jawdrop: Again he is demonstrating what he thinks about you. You are something to be picked up and used when he has the time for you, nothing more.
Words can kill a relationship certainly, but for me the final nail in the coffin is when someone SHOWS you what they think of you and your love for them. Your OH has thrown your feelings back in your face, walked over you and left the building without looking back over his shoulder.
It may hurt now but unless your OH WANTS to salavage your relationship through changing then he will continue treating you like crap because you allow him to by making yourself available to him. He doesnt want to change, he is communicating this with you loud and clear.
I think its time YOU assert yourself and realise that you can be more alone when stuck in a one way relationship than if you were actually single. Personally I would be booking myself in for a nice spa session this coming weekend (see if any gal pals are available), have my hair done, drink some cocktails, have a flirt with a good looking guy to boost my confidence and post my new look on facebook to show your OH what he has missed out on. Tell him you are busy. Tell him you are done.
The guy YOU want will kiss your feet and treat you with love. If THAT doesnt shock your OH into actually MAKING CHANGES IF you gave him a second chance, then nothing will. Either way at least you will know where you stand and one fantastic thing to come out of this would be the fact you will be choosing the happiness path and putting yourself at the head of that queue. I promise you that.
You are in love with the
You are in love with the potential man. Yet reality shows that he loves his kids more than he can ever love anyone else. As flattering as it is thinking you are one of a few women he has dated in 13 yrs one has to wonder why this is so? Yes, you are one of the few. But eventually he turns back to his kids. Every. Time.
He sleeps with you then goes to church? And what do you think God is telling him?
He sells the tickets he bought for you and your kids without telling you? What level of disrespect and utter disengagement does this fall on?
Honey, it may not be for sex but is sure isn't to share his life with you. You are hanging on to something rather than have nothing at all. What this does is shows your boys that it is OK to treat women this way. Treat them like crap but have their standing booty call/sleepovers because this is OK because gee wizz, MOM did this for years.
How would you feel if one of your sons was treating a woman like this?
As hard as it is, call him today and tell him you are not available on Saturday night. Click. Then shut your phone off.
You need to let him go. He
You need to let him go. He is clearly made his decision and now just can't cut the final cord. The selling of the tickets, would have been a huge sign that he clearly doesn't want you in his life....You need to be the one to end this completely otherwise he will have a hold over you for a long time.
I agree with above, is this something you want your sons to emulate?
This- you deserve better.
This- you deserve better.
This guy was done with this
This guy was done with this relationship a while ago. He keeps telling and showing you that but you aren't listening to him.
Think about the trip to walmart. Think about him telling you(in front of his son)that his kids will always come first. Think how the whole apartment thing played out. He's done, but he will have sex once a week if you allow him to.
Some single parents do not want long term relationships. He has the perfect set up right now. He's happy. His kids are happy.
Your kids happy now that they have moved out.
You have to find what makes you happy. You can't force this guy to be want you want him to be.
That whole concert ticket
That whole concert ticket thing really bothers me. Apparently this is more of a breakup for him that it is for you. To sell those tickets without talking with you first really sends you a message about how he considers you in his life.
Stop that one night a week mess immediately. He's using you to fulfill what little need of intimacy he has. You see how quickly and fully he cut you out. I mean, isn't he the one that moved into an apartment with his kids and bought a houseful of new furniture? The purchase of furniture means that person is there to stay.
Either accept the relationship as a dating-type, companion type of relationship or get out of it. And from the rather callous way he has been treating you, my vote is on get out of it.
You deserve better than this.
You deserve better than this. Let him go, focus on your life, be happy with you and when the time is right, the right man will come along. This one ain't it!
please make plans with your
please make plans with your girlfriends and go out. every weekend and dont respond to his texts or calls for a while...im not saying take him back he should be kicked to the curb and you should move on but I understand wanting to turn the tables, ignoring them for weeks on end works like a charm, but the table you need to turn is the one that when he pursues you, you shut the door in his face for the last and final time.
Sheesh, I'd MUCH rather be
Sheesh, I'd MUCH rather be alone than be someone's (unpaid) bed partner once a week. And that's not even taking the nightmare of his kids into consideration. Are you frightened of being alone? You need to work on YOU, and cut this tumor of him & his kids out of your life. Good luck and God bless.