Frustrated
So SD22 continues to say horrible things to my DH and being unbelievably nasty and he had originally said that he was not going to pay for her car insurance or phone any longer because of how she had acted. Well...do you think that happened?
Her car is still in his name, so he made an "appointment" with her to meet him at the courthouse to transfer the title on Tuesday. So, Tuesday morning, he forgot the title and tranfer and said that he was too busy at work and didn't have enough time to take off work to go back to get it, go to the courthouse and take care of it, so he cancelled it. But then yesterday and today, he has done several "errands" and seems to have plenty of time for that!
I told him this upset me because once again, for the umpteenth time, there are absolutely no consequences for her behavior. He said that us not paying for college this semester (because she failed all of her courses, and has had only one successful semester) was punishment. I told him I thought that wasn't punishment for her behavior, that we weren't paying was because she failed and we can't continue to pay when she fails class after class after class. (One semester, she actually withdrew at the last second because she was failing and didn't even bother telling us!! I thought at that time we should have stopped paying, but lost that argument. So, we tried for two more semesters.)
Do you think not paying for college should be punishment for her bad behavior? I thought there should be other consequences for her awful behavior.
I am just so sick and tired of how she treats us. She's now living with her mother (her choice - we offered), posts lies about us on facebook that we are mean and won't pay for her college or let her live with us - even though we offered!!! And DH NEVER does anything to stop the behavior or make her have any responsibility.
My greatest fear is that he's going to cave and tell her she can come and live with us. He caves on everything else...I've told him that I would be moving out if she moved in and I wasn't kidding.
It's been this way for over two years. Is there no hope of an end? Crazy BM, crazy SD 22....I'm so tired of it all......Sorry to be a whiner. No one else understands!!
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Comments
Wow! Sorry you're going
Wow! Sorry you're going through this!
Is your DH avoiding dealing with her, or does he know deep down that there's nothing he can do to to help change her view and attitude?
At the end of the day, she's an adult, and he can't do anything to stop her behavior...He needs to start focusing on insulating himself from the drama...
Are your finances combined.
Are your finances combined. If so, I would cancel her car insurance immediately and her phone...
I agree, cancel it now and
I agree, cancel it now and deal with the aftermath later.
Last year I shut off SS-then-18's cell phone after he got $400 behind in his payments. DH was pissed and said I went behind his back, but I reminded him of a conversation where he agreed to it and after about a day or so he got over it. I'm getting ready to do the same thing with SS's car insurance. DH insisted that we pay while SS was looking for work. After a full year of free car insurance and still no job, DH has finally agreed it's time to cancel. But I know I'll go through the same thing - DH will feel guilty and then take it out on me for a day or two. But I'd rather deal with a pissy DH for a couple of days then shell out another $1200 for SS's car insurance this year.
Depressed, I know what you
Depressed, I know what you are going through. My DH burried his head in the sand on his 3 kids behaviors and paid for things for his children that I don't think he should have paid for (he still does...and 2 are married.)
The SD22 behavior is unexcusable and you DH is enabling her to continue this mode of behavior. I suggest you ask him if he thinks her behavior is accepable to him. I suggest you ask him how long he plans to pay for her car, insurance and phone. (My guess is he'll answer will be short in tone and say "I don't know.") When you ask the question, the key is this. Ask the question and then you must remain absolutely quiet and not say anything else. Make him answer each question. Just look at him, and wait during that uncomfortable silence until he answer each question, one at a time. Then at the end of all your One-Line Questions and his responses you can make your statement. (i.e., I think her behavior is rude and unacceptable, I think she needs to pay for her own classes, I think she is 22 and needs to start taking financial responsiblity, I think we should stop paying for this, this and this, by X Date (etc) AND I would like you and I to make a plan to curb her off our financing your Adult daughters life, especially schooling, since she is wasting OUR money.) Say it all calmly and then don't say anything else. The Key is speak calmly, no matter how hard it is, ask him one question at a time, wait thru the uncomfortable silence allowing him to answer, give your opinion at the end (if he interrupts you - you tell him, I let you talk, now let me finish), give YOUR plan for weenie of SD22 and see what you DH says. And don't be depressed anymore. Take control of the situation, by open communication with your DH. I hope this helps. That question-silence things is very powerful. Try it. My best to you!
If my DH physically had to do
If my DH physically had to do anything, he too would have been too lazy to go to a courthouse, etc.
When he finally took the car out of his name and stopped paying insurance, this is how he did it. I know each state is different, but maybe this is an option for you guys. He cancelled the insurance, and texted SD(then 18) that he did that. Then he signed the title, and mailed it to her for her to sign and file her part. He then asked her to either bring back or send back the plates. I sent a prepaid UPS envelope for the license plates along with the title so there would be no excuses. This way all DH had to do was make a phone call, and sign his name. Done. Best thing he ever did.
If your SD doesn't live with you, and her license isn't listed as your address, and she's driving around your DH's vehicle, unless she is specifically listed on his car insurance, that could technically be considered insurance fraud. That is one of the reasons my DH signed it over to SD. His parents kept saying he could get sued or insurance could refuse to pay if something happened. And SD had a couple of minor accidents, and then stiffed him on some car repair bills, and then BM took him to court for more money, so he said to hell with it. I would have preferred he sell the car and use the money for her tuition, but I'm glad he no at least no longer pays anything on it!
Sorry but your husband is a
Sorry but your husband is a fool. Never co-sign for a child...It will always bite you in the ass when they can't pay for it.