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Sd's don't want me to marry father

Ddaisyy's picture

Submitted by Ddaisyy on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 10:19pm

so I have been with my BF for 7 years and want to marry him. Recently he was talking to his parents about getting married to me in front of his 2 teenage daughters. I was not there. They immediately got very defensive saying he had to ask their permission and that he was not allowed to marry me and that they hate me. I was a little taken back by this since I thought they liked me. My bf seems to think they ade jealous of me and dont want to let anyone else in the circirle in fear that i will leave.I don't really know what I should do about this situation. Do I ignore it or try to talk to them about it. I love my BF and the girls very much, but I feel like I am disposable. Im in a even more difficult situation because thier mother isn't there for them and only comes to see them when it is convient for her. She has maybe seen them 10 time witthin the 7 years we have been together. I have raised them with my BF and am involved in thier everyday lives parenting and taking care of them. I know I am not thier mother but i feel like I am because I am the person who mothers them. They told thier father they would not call me mom, I never expected them to but that kinda hurt since thier BM is definitely not what a mother should be and I am. I don't know. I'm just lost right now......

Comments

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 10:30pm

Sweetie I'll be honest here, IF your bf didn't tell them that it is not about what they want and it between you and him then you are in for a ride!

your bf needs to set the stage on this and make it very clear to his girls that who he marries is none of their business and puts you first. If he can't then your are in for a huge surprise as those girls will guilt your bf into not marrying you and you will get hurt.

I sit him down for a heart to heart. Tell him that while his girls are his kids and he needs to be there for them but they will grow up and have a life and you will always be there after they are gone.

He can not let his kids dictate his life like that. Sounds to me that they are just trying to control their dad as you have been his gf for a long time and never thought anything of it till he wanted to marry you. That in itself says a lot to me. RED FLAG!

Ddaisyy's picture

Submitted by Ddaisyy on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 10:41pm

Thanks for Ur comment purplesaises. My BF is a pretty straight forward guy and told me he told both of them that he did not need thier permission to marry me. I guess I'm just hurt that the kids don't want us to get married. I thought my relationship with the girls was pass that stage.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 10:33pm

And another thing is that he needs to tell his girls that he wasn't asking their permission and it is them that should be asking permission form him for things they want to do as he is the parent and they are the kids!

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 10:39pm

Ddaisyy - if you and your BF want to get married then do it - he does not need the permission of his daughters but if you get married you both need to be a united front and this needs to be discussed before the wedding takes place. See his daughters will eventually move out of the house and then it will be you and BF - kids need to realize that they are there for a little bit of time and then they grow up and move out and then it is the two of you but you both need to cultivate your relationship and make it very important - if you two are not strong then the family can't be strong. Have you BF sit both of these little princesses down and explain to them that you are so very important to him and they don't have to love you but they need to respect you especially since you do so much for them and their mother does nothing!!! Good luck Sweetie and I am praying for you!!

aug2010's picture

Submitted by aug2010 on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 5:26am

I went through the same thing but with a younger SS. He supposidly never said he hated me but he didn't want us getting married. I think that when kids become accustomed to a situation even though it isn't the greatest they deal with it. With their mother not being in the situation they've become used to it, "we don't need a mom" mentality. They are afraid of the "change" even though there won't be a major change (consider in some states your technically married, common law). I don't think the kids want to see their dad suffer by being alone, but they are scared of what the future holds. They may like you but are afraid of how you'll be once your married. Just be cautious, I'm in the same boat and my ss does act out and my DH is passive regarding discipline.

jasperjax's picture

Submitted by jasperjax on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 5:37am

I just went thru the same thing. Me and my husband where together for seven years and we just got married this past Oct.My Sd was ecstatic when she found out but my ss flipped out! He was mad for the same reason-we didn't ask him. His fahter told him we did not need his permission or anyone elses for that matter. Me and my ss had a long talk about things and he came to accept it. All the years before we married I felt the same way-disposable,like a live in nanny only there to feed them and keep them and the house clean. Can't say I feel much different now!Lol! But we are a family and that is what matters. Go marry the man you love!