I've had an internal struggle going on for awhile now about what it is that I feel for SD6, exactly. When I'm discussing her with SO, and especially when we're brainstorming for ideas on how to make her the most enriched person that she can be (no help from BM on that one, of course), I'm like a stepmommy supergoddess. When SD is actually here, I just don't even want to be around her because she annoys the shit out of me so much.

I think that I've finally figured it out: I like the idea of SD as an abstract, a result of various conditions that have been met, and malleable to decisions yet to be made. SD as an entity, something that I can have an opinion on from afar and possibly influence in order to make a more perfect thing happen.

The reality of SD is at best incredibly annoying and at worst infuriating. I cannot stand being around her. It's probably not even her fault; I just don't like children, and she is a very typical child. This morning, she fell down a couple of stairs because she'd been sneaking around on them to eavesdrop on my conversation with SO (she does this a lot). My kneejerk, gut reaction when I heard her tumble was to roll my eyes and think, "Why are kids so fucking clumsy?" When she started to wail, I thought, "Why are kids so fucking clumsy and needy? How annoying!"

So, I'd been having these conflicting feelings about SD for so long that I couldn't work out what the basis of any of my feelings was. Why did I care about SD at all if I couldn't stand being around her? Why do I care about what BM does when I don't even like the person that it's influencing? Now, I've finally figured it out, and it does feel a bit better to at least know what the motivation behind my thoughts has been.