18yr old daughter still clinging to father
Desperately seeking opinion from a neutral source. I am in a relationship with a 47yr old father of two daughters (20 and 18). This man, divorced for 12yrs, lived alone since oldest daughter moved in 2-1/2 yrs ago with him just about the same time we started dating. She would have arguments with mother until she told her to move with her father. the younger one of a more submissive demeanor has recently started complaining to her father about her mother. I have feelings for this man and although the daughters are good students both now in college and working, I can not even entertain the idea of living with him because he wants to live with his daughters until they can financially be on their own. He wants us to buy a house so we can all move in together. My problem is that the youngest daughter is very affectionate to father and I am not sure if I get jealous or perhaps in fact it is time that he realizes that certain displays of affections should be corrected. For example, we go to the beach she parks her chair next to daddy, we go to dinner she wants to sit next to daddy, shes always tired and sits inappropriately with legs up in air sometimes. shes always touching him, caressing his hair, resting her head on his shoulder, waiting for him to open the door, and basically getting his attention constantly when I am around.
- Dale1234's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This: http://www.steptalk.org
This:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/80951
http://www.steptalk.org/node/57615
And this:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/164494
http://www.steptalk.org/node/78045
Yuck. You should go forward
Yuck. You should go forward with trepidation here. That is just disgusting and I don't understand why these men who allow their daughters to act like wives aren't embarrassed/disgusted by it? I can tell you if my son was sitting on my lap, always up by butt etc at 14, 15, 16 etc years old, we would be having a serious chat. I love my son dearly, but come on...
So what are the girls going to college for? I'm assuming the 20 year old is going for at least a 4 year degree.. so that's at least 2 more years of her living with daddy and at least 2 more years of 18 year old living with daddy. Does daddy pay all of their bills? Do they have jobs?
My husband doesn't allow his
My husband doesn't allow his 8 year old to act that way for the record. This isn't just a problem with the codependent daughter - your husband needs to address why he allows this to happen?
It's called mini-wife by the way and if you search for it on this site - you'll find a ton of information.
Uh, no. If you move in, you
Uh, no. If you move in, you lose your own place and the security and peace that goes with your own place. If he acts like this now, can you imagine having to deal with it daily?
Whatever you do, do not get a,larger place. That only provides room for when SD'S do launch, they can come back. At their age, can SO assist them with getting an apartment? They are already roommates.
that's a good idea. I will
that's a good idea. I will see if he can help them find a place to roommate.
thank you for commenting.
thank you for commenting. the father is a good provider and a very nice man. the older daughter shows potential and is career minded. however, the younger one did not do good in high school so shes stuck at a low level college and the father had to pay the tuition. At the moment, I feel that he is worth holding onto, perhaps the daughters will move in together into their own place since the father owns a small one bedroom co-op and the older daughter that lives with him sleeps in the living room on a day-bed and that has a bottom pull out mattress for when the younger one comes visit. So I figure that I am not over reacting and he needs to train the younger daughter on how to show her affection towards him in a more acceptable manner.
thanks. I will read more on
thanks. I will read more on the mini-wife thing.
yes that is exactly what I
yes that is exactly what I fear. I live very comfortable in my 2 bedroom townhouse. I've had it for years and the taxes and expenses are low. He is a good man that I have falling in love with but my financial situation at the moment is affordable and stable. Not a good move for me to take a chance for love that comes with potential problems
thank you all. this has
thank you all. this has been helpful because i was thinking i was too calculative. but at this age in life we all need to put ourselves first
I don't think looking out for
I don't think looking out for yourself is calculated, just mature, wise and responsible. You are right, you have to put yourself first.
I dealt with this with my SO
I dealt with this with my SO and my SD. Although she was ALOT younger than his daughters BUT still its inappropriate and just annoying!!
I actually had to sit down with him and tell him he needed to have a talk with her and if things dont change then i would have to move on.
I was extremely honest with him and things did get better BUT now the attitude with the SD is horrible and im hoping its just the age but sometimes i think she resents me LOL
I would not buy a house with
I would not buy a house with him and I would probably stop seeing him if I were you. I married a 52 year old 2 years ago, his daughter moved in with us 3 months after we got married, if we had not been married I would have left then. She is 16 and it's not getting any better and I don't see that it ever will. She is very dependent on her father, VERY. Can't do anything without asking daddy what she needs to do. He don't see a problem with it so he is not ever going to make her grow up, he will taking care of her till she is 40!! She will never marry because she don't like boys because none of them treat her like daddy does. She will dependent on him forever!! I will always be second, well until I leave that is.
Here's an oldie but
Here's an oldie but goodie:
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
Please don't consider moving
Please don't consider moving the relationship further until all skids are launched AND both financially & emotionally self sufficient.
There are lots of adult skids that continue mooching off their parents even into adulthood, so allying yourself with a guilt-driven Disney dad could mean putting your own financial security at risk. And read up on Electra complex, we see a lot of that here.
A man with clinging adult skids is a poor choice, especially if the skids are female. They tend to be more helpless and manipulative, and some even use grandkids as a means of control/extortion. Trust me - I know this through experience.
No. No. No. Do not move in
No. No. No. Do not move in together. It will be a life long power struggle. Daddy does not know appropriate boundaries.
This girl will destroy you and your relationship. It took me 20 years to throw in the towel and disengage from my 38 year old SD. I finally feel free - she no longer affects my day to day life. DH and I still have issues and our marriage will never be the same again.
Don't move in until these
Don't move in until these girls are on their own, supporting themselves, and you have a solid agreement that they cannot move back in.
Even then, she sounds like she might be a life long problem.
I have an 18 yr old sd who
I have an 18 yr old sd who moved in 2 mos after we got a house together. She was 16 at the time and nothing has been the same since. I think I threw up a little in my mouth the first time she crawled up in his lap. I'm talking he was in the recliner with feet up and she straddled him to be hugged. i couldn't believe what I was seeing. Thank goodness SO told her to get off. Now she does it when he and I are talking in kitchen. She'll squeeze in on him when he's sitting at the table. Ugg!
Girl, I feel your pain and same advice... Keep your own place!
Sounds like she is a bit
Sounds like she is a bit jealous and is trying to claim her territory when it comes to her dad, I had this same issue with my step daughter in the beginning as well but not with the physical aspects. Girls are tough, vindictive, sneaky and especially if they are Daddy's Little Girls....Divorce seems to be harder on them than with boys and when a new lady steps in their mothers spot its a tricky battle. They can do no wrong in their fathers eyes... Mine is a terror now at 20 and her father turns a blind eye. Good Luck
when I read your lines I keep
when I read your lines I keep having flash back of small incidents that makes me now think that it could be the fear of her loosing her dad to me. Her mother married right after the divorce and had another daughter immediately. They keep feeling rejected and forgotten because of the new little sister. Their step dad is not exactly a role model and the situation is a bit unstable at their mom's place. I don't stay over my boyfriends place and rarely visit since he is always at my place over the weekends. He feels I don't like staying over bc the older daughter lives there but the truth is that his place is always up-side down from the mess and I feel uncomfortable. the bathroom and kitchen always dirty, shoes, bags, mugs, snack bags and boxes on the sofa and or living room floor. He has been on her case about the cleaning but she is too busy with college, work, friends, etc. I have a strong feeling that the young one will very soon ask him to move in and then we turn another chapter... I am now convinced that the best for me is to just date him until the daughters find their way.
Yes, it sounds as if his kids
Yes, it sounds as if his kids are at that stage between child and adult. He's probably best off focusing on parenting and preparing his girls for launching. Good on you for being realistic about the situation.