"I can't sleep" Ugghh.
Y'all I'm at the end of my rope on this one.
SD10 has ALWAYS had trouble sleeping. SO tells me when she was a baby she would fight sleep and it was so bad. They would put her in those baby swings and she would stare at her parents instead of fall asleep. They would do all the things to make this kid sleep and SD was not having any of it. Well, here we are 10 years later and she's still a pain in the ass when bed time rolls around.
In the 3 years and change I've been around I've noticed SD goes through spurts where she "can't sleep." It's always in the summer around this time, too. It's never been this consistent though. We're going on 4 weeks of this.
About 3 weeks ago SD knocked on our bedroom door after being in bed for about 45 minutes to tell us she couldn't sleep. SO and I went to tuck her back in and she started going on about watching scary things with BM. BM watches a lot of paranormal shows and some scary movies with SD. SO has suggested she maybe, you know, NOT watch those shows with her mom, but SD does it anyway. We were in her room for maybe 10 minutes trying to get her to go to sleep.
The next week, SO was on a trip and I was with SD for the evening. Bed time rolled around and she pulled the same, "I can't sleep" with me. She said it was because she missed her dad. Fine. I read her a story and she fell asleep.
She had a playdate shortly after that and she was kind of bragging to her friend about how she sometimes can't sleep and we have to tuck her back in. I had a lightbulb moment and realized this might be an attention thing. I brought it up to SO and he agreed that it probably was an attention thing and we'd keep an eye on it.
Last weekend she was with her grandparents and woke them up in the middle of the night and slept in their bed. She said, "I was scared." SO and I didn't remark on it or comment. Just said, "oh, ok."
Last night after she had been in bed for 30 minutes she came out to the living room to tell us the TV was "too loud" and she couldn't sleep. So we turned it down and she went back to bed on her own. And then, at 1230 am as I am peacefully snoozing away, I hear, "Dad?" Then a pause. "D A D." I woke up SO. "Dad. I woke up. Can you tuck me back in?" SO got up, tucked her back in, and came back to bed.
One thing I'm glad for is that SO isn't indulging SD in much attention when he's put her back to bed. I'm just kind of over it at this point. It's been going on for almost a month now. I don't really want to spend any "alone time" (*wink wink*) with SO after she goes to bed because I'm worried she'll try to interrupt us. I can tell SO is over it too, but we haven't really talked about last night yet. I'm sure we'll talk about it today. Neither one of us feels bad for SD when she says she's too scared to sleep. We've suggested taking a break from scary stuff and she keeps watching it, so neither of us is really sympathetic. If she wakes up now, I really think she needs to stay in her room and go back to bed on her own. Is that too harsh to ask for a 10 year old? I don't think so. SO thinks SD is mature enough to stay home alone and starting building trust with us, and I think that means SO needs to let go a little bit. I'm sure it can be hard for bioparents to start having their kids take care of themselves. I'm sympathetic toward SO on that to a point but it's affecting me and our relationship now.
SD has been a handful the last week. She snapped at one of her friends and then got upset when we told her she was, in fact, being mean to her friend. She tried to say she was sorry to her friend, but they said they didn't like her attitude and didn't want to talk to her for a while. Welp. Saw that coming from a mile away. She'll be with us this weekend and then again next weekend as well due to BM's work schedule. I need a full SD Free weekend soon. Or even just a couple days without her would be nice. This week she was only with BM for 24 hours before she was back at our house... same thing happened last week. I think I just need a break at this point. We will be without her most of the day on Saturday as we have plans with friends and SD will be camping with her aunt and cousin. I hope she behaves, but her aunt, SO's sister, doesn't put up with any crap, so I'm also not too worried, lol. I am looking forward to time with SO and our friends though... that will be so nice.
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I'm of two minds on this.
I'm of two minds on this. Could it be attention seeking behavior? Absolutely. But, could there be another issue that's causing her to fight sleep, or be scared to sleep? Quite possibly, too.
YSK has always had problems sleeping. They have night terrors (which we didn't really know about until they started therapy) and insomnia. When they were about your SD's age, they didn't really know how to describe what the problem was. Like, they told us they heard noises in the night that kept them scared and awake. Come to find out, the sound was our water heater. Figuring that out made it less scary for them, but didn't take away the other issues.
The general guidelines we've had for YSK over the years are that they have a set time they need to go to bed, but what they do quietly in their bedroom to fall asleep is on them. They can have their television and light on. They can have a fan for white noise. They can have a bottle of water. Extra pillows, soft blankets, sleep in their street clothes - whatever. They have a bed time and a wake time, and we do our best to keep those consistent (they definitely self-regulate more now that they're 16). We've also talked with their doctor about medication to help with the insomnia and they are able to take low dose melatonin, and their therapist is helping with the night terror triggers.
Figure out what your end goal is with SD. You can't force her to sleep, but you can set guidelines for bedtime that keeps her in her room. Additionally, your DH should rule out other factors that may be keeping her awake. If she has always had trouble sleeping, then she may have a sleep disorder of some sort that needs to be addressed. It could be a combination of a real problem mixed with attention seeking, so the plan should tackle both. I think the guideline of "bedtime is at 9PM, I'll tuck you in once, and then you need to stay in there except when you need to use the bathroom or there is a real emergency until 6AM" or whatever is really fair.
Perhaps Dr visit?
If SD had issues when she was a baby also, perhaps a visit to the doctor to ensure all hormone levels are OK? Hormones play a huge roll in sleep/wake cycles and something could be off.
Might be worth a shot. And if all is normal, a sleep doc may be able to get you some ideas on keeping her asleep. Ensuring she gets enough [good] sleep is important and shouldn't just be brushed aside.
Her circadian rhythms might
Her circadian rhythms might be messed up. Morning daylight , shut down all screens an hour or two before bedtime. Vitamin D levels might be low so get her outside away from the screens. Fresh air does wonders. These are simple things you can do. There's always melatonin to try. Magnesium makes you sleepy also. Night time rituals in low light and boring book.
It’s time to make it clear to SD
That once she goes to bed, she stays in bed. If she can't sleep, she has to deal with that by herself. Get a glass of water, go to the restroom. Then back to bed. Not come to your room. Because she has trouble sleeping she can not wake everyone up.
Try locking your door. So she can not interrupt anything. If anything happens you can here screaming through a lock door. Keeping the door lock also lets her know she can not come in. Ok keep it lock until you finish
Definitely attention seeking
Run her ragged during the day. LOTS and LOTS of physical activity. Literally have her outdoors if possible and exhaust her. Challenge her to run around the house 3, 5, 10Xs you get the idea.
Yes, this is 100% attention
Yes, this is 100% attention seeking. SD is definitely old enough to go to bed on her own. If she is truly having trouble falling asleep, she can listen to a sound machine, read a book, get a glass of water, etc. No need to wake everyone else up just so SO can walk her back to her room. She knows the way. SD used to do this kind of thing too. I put a stop to it when I was pregnant. Our door would be closed and locked and she would bang on the door while I was sleeping. I flat out told her that if our door is closed and locked that means we either need privacy and/or sleeping. And that she needs to be respectful of that. Emergencies were the only exception: throwing up, blood, fire, etc. I guess I was very blunt about it, because it stopped immediately.