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CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 9:50am

This was BM's weekend. Those following my blog know that she just revealed that she is pregnant and getting married to a guy she has known for 4 months. She lives with her parents and her daughter (2) from another relationship. My DH told her that she could still have her weekend they just could not sleep over. So they get home on Friday night from having gone to dinner with their BM with little attitudes. We had a long talk with them (2 hours) about what their BM said and what was going on. They confessed that their mom was pregnant and that she told them that she wanted custody of them. We asked them if they wanted to live with her and SS14 said maybe. SD10 says"Liar you told mommy not to worry that when you are 18 you will move in with her. " We didn't comment on that and ended the conversation shortly afterward. Anyways DH and I decided not to ask them anything else for the rest of the weekend about what they had done with BM or what she had said because really it was just going to upset us and who cares right. SS14 has not stopped trying to goad us into another argument about his mom. I told DH not to fall for it. SS14 just wants more drama. BM told DH on saturday that she was not going to let him bully her anymore, and that she would not discuss that statement in front of her son because he has already suffered enough at our house. Really? What kind of suffering has he gone through? Homework, chores? Whatever.
So now to Disney. My bio twins birthday is shortly after Christmas. I have been wanting to take them to Disney now that they are going to be 4 but since BM had the older kids for xmas this year i didnt think it would be a possibility. Well guess what DH suggested that we take the boys to Disney by themselves for xmas this year since the older ones will be with their BM. We will still cut a cake for the little ones on their birthday with SS14 and SD10, but think that it will be nice and hassle free to take just the little ones to Disney. We live in Miami and its a four hour drive. We plan on staying xmas weekend and returning Monday morning. We plan on dedicating the weekend to doing things that the little ones like and showering them with attention. I am just really sick of putting my life on hold due to SS14 and SD10's schedule with their BM. They think that they are entitled to trips with BM to Georgia and the keys and a cruise they were planning but we are not allowed to go to the zoo without them. I have started planning and have a budget in mind for the trip. I already contacted 3 condo/hotels for information. DH and I decided we are not going to say anything until they are in the car with their BM for her xmas break week. What do you guys think?

Comments

CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:04am

Yes they have all been to Disney. In 2009 we went twice. The first time in July with BM and her family (disastrous trip, I was crazy) and the second time for Thanksgiving that year. They have been there before numerous times with their BM and her family. Also when DH was married to BM they took SS14. When we went the last time the little ones didn't have much fun because they were small and we spent a lot of time waiting for big kids rides. Since there will be no big kids this time we can do just little kid (or to big kids "boring") things. Also it will be less of a stress for us because we only have to watch the little ones and not be constantly saying SS14 don't stray. And hey don't do that. He is a total PITA. I love him but life is easier when he is not around.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 9:58am

I have been a stepmom for 7 years, and here is my advice: DO NOT plan everything you ever want to do with your kids around the SK’s.
Don’t even start, because it is a bad habit to break everyone of later.
I have bios, myself-and there can be resentment when they are older over every.last.thing revolving around SK’s. Do the SK’s lives stop revolving when they are with you?
No, they go on about their business without a thought of what their step-siblings are doing. You need to do the same, at least sometimes.

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:02am

Love it. The thing about CoD is that because of all the guilt inherent in these relationships they actually benefit more from a superficial standpoint. Double the Christmas presents, double the vacations, double the attention since every time they visit the NCP they get showered with it. Your sons deserve some time and attention also. They didn't have the choice to be born into a blended family so it wouldn't be fair for them NOT to have this time for themselves. I hope you guys have a great time.

Also, this might be really mean but I have to deal with the entitlement princesses so bear with me. I don't think it's any of their business what you do with your time away from them. I don't see any need whatsoever to even tell them you're going to Disney. If pics come up later then I would just brush it off, "Oh that was a long ago...anyway..." But that's just me.

CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:14am

Thank you I do not want to feel bad about going without them. We spent twins first and second xmas at BM's parents house so that the skids will have unity. Last year I put my foot down and said no more holidays at BM's. I am not going to subject my bio sons to that family. We should never have gone in the first place. My DH and I have been together for 8 years and since his family lives in PA and I only really have my mom there are not a lot of family things to go to. Since he wanted to spend the holidays with his kids and they wanted to spend xmas eve with their moms family we always went regardless of who's xmas it was. It has taken a long time for DH to see that those people do not care a think about him. They are not his friends and could care less what happens to him. And the skids got the wrong message that we all have to be a happy family. DH got the first clue to that disastrous Disney trip two years ago.

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:17am

I agee with stepmonster. I wouldn't even make it a point to tell them. If littles say something after you were back I would just say to them, "How was YOUR weekend with BM". The kids deserve some alone time with mommy and daddy. Even parents of a "normal" home should give kids individualized attention. It will be so fun for them to experience Disney the way its meant for little kids!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:22am

Don't tell them you're going to Disney. The last thing you want is some sort of scene as you are about to leave for vacation. Keep it to yourselves it's not her business.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:25am

No need to tell them about disney or feel guilt about it.

That said....honestly you and your dh sound like you PAS somewhat

"So they get home on Friday night from having gone to dinner with their BM with little attitudes. We had a long talk with them (2 hours) about what their BM said and what was going on. They confessed that their mom was pregnant and that she told them that she wanted custody of them. We asked them if they wanted to live with her and SS14 said maybe. SD10 says"Liar you told mommy not to worry that when you are 18 you will move in with her. " We didn't comment on that and ended the conversation shortly afterward. Anyways DH and I decided not to ask them anything else for the rest of the weekend about what they had done with BM or what she had said because really it was just going to upset us and who cares right."

Please don't take offense to this but realize we all make mistakes here in life...but I really think what you guys did was wrong. It's like drilling about what's going on with mom-which is not your business...and it's causign them to react/speak w/loyalty issues (see your sd's response vs what sister said she said..) they shoudln't have to defend themselves to both/either of you. Then you said "well we stopped asking because it was just going to upset US"....what about the kids? Why drill them for hours about bm and what' going on? That is actually a form of PAS cuban...you both need to immediately stop doing that-even IF BM does it.

CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:42am

Overit you are right. I dont know what PAS means but we should not grill them. It is wrong on our part. The reason behind it though is that BM is a drug addict. Recently got out of rehab (aug.) I understand loyalty issues but BM was doing drugs in front of the kids. She smokes weed like its not illegal, and I wish that was her addiction though. She has done crack and Meth. She has no regard for the safety of her kids We found out that she moved her new bf in and we didnt even know that she had a BF. We do not want the kids in a dangerous situation. Their grandparents where this visitation takes place do not monitor their daughter. They cover things up. When the kids lived with her 6 years ago she would take them to her friends house and smoke crack with them around. She accused her son of sexually touching some other kid that was at the place that she did crack. The woman is psychotic. Bipolar and now pregnant. Not taking her meds. During her last pregnancy 3 years ago she was doing drugs during the first trimester and then spent the rest of the pregnancy in rehab. So this is the reason for the grilling. We are trying to make sure that she is NOT doing drugs. I hate that we are making them have loyalty issues but we dont want them getting hurt. Maybe that is no excuse and we are wrong. I agree its wrong.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 10:46am

I think i would stick to the big question-any drugs goign on? And then no more then.

Hopefully she is clean or you can use this to demand drug tests to continue visitation. I'm assuming it's supervised already then?

Oh, how's the moody teenage ss doing? lol

CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:03am

As of Nov. 2008 the supervised visitation was terminated due to her taking a parenting class and being in rehab for six months. So the supervised visitation stopped. We thought things were okay and she has had all her visitation and our relationship has been cordial if not a little rocky. I had her on my FB and she attended all school functions, I even picked her up and took her to some. In July of 2009 she started acting a little nutty but her mom told us it was due to the fact that she is bipolar and stopped taking her meds. Fine so when she is nutty off the Meds, got it. But this last June She went back into rehab. SS14 says that he caught her smoking some little white crystals in a pipe. (this was after we found out she was in rehab, and not in boston working as a waitress like her mom claimed) The kids thought she was in Boston too. So her visitations are not supervised but per CO sleepover must be at her mom's house. She was living with her daughters father at the time. I think the judge didnt want her taking them wherever to sleep.
The teenager is being a complete ass because his mom promised him a car next year. I was like hello she doesn't even own her own car. But he is gullible and everything she says must be true. SD10 is not as gullible and is a good kid. She gets good grades in school and does what she is told.
I understand why he would want to go live with her since she is the "cool" parent. She lets him do whatever he wants and buys him stuff.