DH Blow Up
So I've about had it with DH. Seriously.
Back in the fall we had a discussion about hiring a financial planner to help us with our retirement planning and goals of travel and likely a move in the next several years. He's closer to retirement than I am and we need to get finances under a good review. As I told him, I'm not comfortable picking up an moving and likely leaving my job to rely on his income (he can work remotely from anywhere) when I don't have any clue about his income, stability or current state of his finances and no idea what we can really do (we keep our finances separate due to the SDs and some really bad financial management on his part in the past).
WELL - yesterday I had the gall to remind him to please, please get his updated info to the financial planner because I am waiting on him to be able to proceed with the final financial review so we can get things re-allocated and reviewed. Waiting since NOVEMBER btw.
* He doesn't want to any longer because he doesn't want to pay someone. There's only a flat fee since the financial planner is already associated with several of my accounts. We've already paid it. I told him that fine, if he wants out, I'll refund him his half of the payment and use the financial guy for ME ALONE. He tried to backtrack a few minutes later but I told him he just said he wanted out, so ok then, he's out.
* Then he went on a rant about me meeting with the guy on my own. Yes, I told DH when this meeting was planned and that once DH gives the guy his info he'll have a one on one, then he'll roll everything together for us. And he asks me why I'm even doing it. WTF? Becuause I want to retire DH? Because I'm NOT a financial planner? Because I don't WANT to be a financial planner? If you, DH, want to do it yourself, go ahead. But don't tell me you want to be involved then back out.
* Oh, you really never wanted to because you just wanted to "go along with it" to appease me? WTF again! Ok, DH, I'm really out of the finance stuff now, you are ON YOUR OWN. Do you want to continue with the will / medical directives planning? Yes? Good. Oh, you think you can do that yourself too, really? After two years of waiting for you do to it, think we don't need an iron clad will/medical directive? That we are not lawyers? No, I'm moving forward with it and I'll let you know once we reach the decision point if you stil want to.
* He thinks he's "not got much longer to live" so why bother with anything? I know this comes from his experience with two friends in his circle who suddenly died, both in the past 14 months or so. DH, I don't know when I'm going to die either but here I go, still living my life. Why bother with the house? Because we own it, we bought it because YOU HAD TWO KIDS? I haven't gone further on this one because this weekend I'll ask him point blank if he wants to sell and move. Our mortgage/insurance/tax payment combinded is less than the cost of an apartment rental near the city.
* He's paying for 1/2 of YSDs college costs in agreement with BM. Apparently, because I've not been told, YSD did accept (?? not sure) a college offer from yet another PRIVATE school. They will cover half her tuition but BM and DH agreed to cover the other half. No consultation with me, and obviously he doesn't think a financial planner is important for this HUGE decision either.
* Oh and the loss of his girls, and the pain he's been through in the past with his prior divorce and the other people who've screwed him over and his depression and his work that he's "this close" to quitting his job. WTF? DH, I cannot help with any of that and I'm sick of waiting for you to work through it. You don't work through it, you are still in the middle of it. I am not waiting any longer for you to figure it out. I know you have problems but I cannot be silent all the time and just support you because you are affecting ME with your issues in a big way. I will be planning the rest of my life from here on out without your involvement. He says, so that's what you want to do?! NO DH, that's NOT what I want. I want an involved partner who wants to continue to create a life with me, to plan for our old age together, THAT'S what I want. But you cannot do that so I'm moving on with it. I didn't touch on his comment about his job but for telling him I've been suggesting he talk with his manager about his untennable work load and that he needs assistance because he cannot provide the required level of service any longer since they have become so busy. And no, he hasn't done this.
At his point I just left it and went to bed. I know he's going through a hard time, he has cycles of depression/anxiety, but really, I HAD IT last night. If he wants to seriously leave and go do his own thing, I'm kind of fine with it at this point. I don't see him improving any longer (he's had some but clearly not enough) and I don't know if he doesn't want to improve and work through it, or if he's giving a line of BS to his counselor. I'm sure we'll talk more this weekend, maybe - YSD will be with us (she's pretty much only coming because my baby boy kitty is failing and she wants to say goodbye to him - and that's making me terribly sad). But I'm done waiting and I won't tolerate any more of these rants and his "poor me" story and shirking of real adult responsibility.
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Just go
My DH86 is kind of resistant to, well, any professionals telling him anything, just being stubborn. So, ages ago, I got a financial advisor. I've been very happy with that decision since I know where I am and where I'm going financially. Also, frankly, I dont have the guts or inclination to make periodic chsnges. DH86 has gone with me a few times, doesn't really understand what's being said. He says if I die first (unlikely),the first thing he will do is fire the financial advisor. Ok, whatever.
So, just go. Like you, we separated finances due to the SD62 drain. You'll be glad you went and perhaps your DH will wake up. Mine is in early dementia so I'm handling all the bills, insurance, etc. But, thank heavens he worked and earned during his working years which is why I was able to be a SAHM during crucial years, then go back to work. In short, it took both of us to get to this point and I'm the pilot now.
The number of people who can
The number of people who can learn from their own mistakes is negligiable. Those who can learn from the mistakes and advice of others are nearly non-existant.
So, your DH learned from his recently deceased friends that he thinks he is going to die so why worry about financial stability and retirment? Wow. He can't learn from much of anything apparently.
What happens if he lives and has no resources to support himself with?
Good for you for working with a knowledge resource on investing and retirement planning. DW and I use a common advisor though our 401Ks and most other retirement resource accounts are separate with each other as primary beneficiary and SS as secondary in the event of our co-demise.
I am narly 12yrs older than my wife. I/we have always planned our finances and retirement to provide for a comfortable joint retirement with assets to provide for her in retirement upon my demise. I have always felt that I owe that to both of us and to our son so he is not burdened with worry about us and his mom once I check out.
DW also is dedicated to leaving our kid an inherritance. He is our joint sole heir so he will get whatever is left when his mom checks out. My focus is on providing a retirement for DW and I. She can spoil SS when I am gone. Though we do a decent job of spoiling him now. Nothing extravigant. Mostly gifting him family heirlooms and paying for him to accomany us on nice vacations. He will not let us pay for his travel. So we sneakily let him pay his roundtrip from his location to ours, then we pay for him to fly with us from our location to the vacation location and back. He humors us by not pissing in our loving parents bowl of Wheaties.
He needs nothing from us and has never asked us for a single Cent. We are both very proud of him. He drives us nuckin futz and upon occasion one or both of us are ready to throttle him. But... he has survived so far.
I'm an avoid the pain guy and my entire career have leveraged the learnings from my own mistakes and experience, and the mistakes,exoerience, and advice of others. If I can avoid those mistakes it is a huge advantage in delivering results. I pay attention and when the opportunity arrises I call the people who have done it before, even those who have failed at it before and I benefit from their experience.
Though I am not always the smartest guy in the room, when I am not the smartest person or most experienced in the room I work hard to make sure that they work for me or with me. I readily communicate that I am not the expert and I engage those who are. My goal is for everyone to succeed in delivering to the needs of the team/business/organization/company and most importantly, to their family.
Sadly, far too many people are in relationships where that type of connection does not happen and few learn from their mistakes.
By GM had a saying that is absolute truth IMHO. "If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel."
Few kids/Skids these days listen, learn, or feel because guilt parenting/parents attempt to insulate them from that process, protect them from life, instead of preparing them for life.
IMHO of course.
If your DH is closed to retirement
In his 50's. There not much he can do at this point. Expecally paying for DS college. That's going to be over $100,000 in the next four years ? To day you are looking at needing over a million $ in a retirement fund . He needs to put away like $70,000 in a 401k. Unless you want to support DH in his retirement , what means supporting SK also. It's time to look at a exit plan, what's going to be hard because your money is community property.
But is worth it now to spend a few 100 $ and see a good lawer. See where you stand. Assuming DH is going to get a second job to pay for SD expensive college Not coming out of your money. He made a deal behind your back. He will find that money by getting a second job. Or maybe a third job $25,000 to $40,000 already taxe money takes a lot of work
Is he hiding some debt or
Is he hiding some debt or some other financial secret or is this his normal mode?
Normal for him. I've seen his
Normal for him. I've seen his account balances and know what credit cards he has, and has been canceling them, was super proud of himself for paying them off.
He is super touchy about strangers knowing things about him. It's weird but is stupidly unsurprising.
I think
I think that he's worried that the financial advisor will tell him that he should be saving for retirement and not paying for SD's education. And that he doesn't want to hear that truth. So he's being a PITA to try and get you to give up.
Good luck. I have to drag my DH into a discussion to redo our wills. It should have been done a few years ago and he's been swerving it because it will drag up feelings about YSS's passing.
It's all wrapped up in his
It's all wrapped up in his issues for sure.
I've barely spoke with him this weekend. He's apologized, but I told him I'm still angry. That if I ever spoke with him like that he'd be furious but I'm supposed to take it, support him, and just move on when he's done. Well, DH, I'm tired of your meltdowns when you are stressed. He mentioned he does want to do the financial planning, but he's "so stressed" right now he can't. Fine then. I'm still doing it myself and whenever you are ready YOU, DH, can contact the planner because I'm done helping.
Yes, go
These DHs can be such PITAs. Once you go, youll know where you stand and what to do for yourself. Hopefully, he will see the light but dont wait for him.
Agree
He's being a muppet. Knowing where you stand financially, even if its not great news, makes you less stressed because you know and can have a plan.
I'll be rooting for you to get this done.
What would really piss me off
What would really piss me off about this is that there are things he could do to alleviate his stress but he'd rather sit there and whine. Does he even understand that he should be the leading actor in his life, not part of the scenery?
He really should talk to his boss about his workload rather than wait for things to get worse and then quit. What are the chances of finding a decent job at his age?
He could talk to his doctor about his depression and anxiety swings. Even if he has already done so, medical science is making progress on all fronts all the time. Help is out there.
He absolutely must find out how much this school is going to cost him. Knowledge is power. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it. End of story. The longer he pretends there's no problem, the harder it will be to find an acceptable solution.
Seeing the financial advisor should help too because you're getting concrete answers, a road map for your money, if you will. No more floundering in the dark.
Ditto for your wills, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I do understand how depression can drag you down and immobilise you, I'm aware of the sense of hopelessness that it wraps you in but there is a very great need for him to break the downward spiral.
Next time he mentions quitting his job, casually ask him how he'll pay for his daughter's private school if he does.
I don't know how you put up with it.