Successfully blending a family is challenging. It is harder when there is a new marriage, a new pregnancy and CPS is getting involved with home visits.

I believe that you and DH need to understand the basic differences in how men and women deal with issues. Men are fixers and compartmentalize. We deal with one issue at a time, fix the problem, put away that "file" then pull another. Your DH was dealing with the CPS home visit "file" and needed to finish with it before he could deal with the "pregnant wife" file. Not that you are a problem.

He was not ignoring you, he was solving one issue before moving on to another. DH did not pick his kids over you. He dealt with the "file" he had out at the time before he moved to your file.

Most women do not compartmentalize. They deal with everything all at once and constantly.

My wife and I deal with issues around these differences periodically. The most frequent is her insistence on not taking time to relax. I compartmentalize and when I get home from work I do not want to deal, think or address anything until I have spent some time relaxing and puring my daily stress levels. My wife chooses not to do this. She gets home from work and immediately starts doing something. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc......

Interestingly we are both about equal in effectiveness. She works on everything that has to be done all at once hopping from one thing to the other but not finishing any one thing. When I engage I pick one thing and get it done.

I believe what you are dealing with is this fundamental difference between you and your DH.

You both need to give a bit on this. You need to recognize that when he is in the mode of dealing with the Skids that you are not his focus. You need to let him deal with what he is addressing and not inject yourself in as a distraction or a burden. He needs to recognize that YOU are his priority and he needs to communicate that regardless of the situation. That does not mean he has to stop addressing the Skid stuff when he is dealing with it. He needs to take a second engage with you in a manner that shows how important you are to him then get back to finishing with the Skid file.

This issue can also result in problems that from the man perspective are not real problems. For example, two days ago my wife took the home laptop and was IMing with friends. When she finished she saw that my STalk log in was active so she perused my blogs.

She read one where I was ranting about my SS-18 and his absolute lack of maturing or efforts to engage in becoming an adult. In that rant I said "sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I agreed to be a dad to someone else’s kid". My wife was heart broken.

To me the situation was a single issue that was driven by his a single disrespectful incident between my SS and I. To my wife I was questioning our entire marriage, our family, etc, etc, etc.....

I was not questioning anything. I was venting and letting off steam. I love my son (SS-18) and I worship my wife. They are the core of my life. What I do in all things I do with the family in mind.

It took quite a bit of discussion to get her to see that I have no question about how much I live my kid, her or our family. I was pissed, I had the "kid pissed me off" folder out and I was addressing how I felt about the incident.

Hang in there Corgimom.

Your DH loves you, you will be fine, and you and he will figure out how to partner to effectively raise your new baby and the SKids. It won't be easy but nothing is more fulfilling than growing a strong marriage while raising kids to be viable adults. Even when you have no genetic contribution with some of the kids.

I don't with my SS-18 but I have been his dad since he was 1yo and I AM his dad. He is my son. We have learned over the years how to be those people to each other and more importantly we have learned how to deal with his mother together.

There are many times that we have come to each other's rescue with his mom. After all, we are both male and she is not. But we love her, respect her and want her to be happy and comfortable in our family.

Hang in there. Once the baby is born things should settle down a bit and you and DH can re-engage on being a team in parenting all of the kids.

All IMHO of course.

As for the pregnancy hormone thing …. I have no experience with that one so I will defer to the STalker ladies for input on that.

Congrats on the baby.

Best regards.

I am going to read more of this later, sorry I didn't give it my full attention but this caught my eye
"We deduced that I am jealous of the attention the kids receive from DH. I don't mean to be, I just can't help the way I feel. I am used to being independent and not having to share anything, and it never crossed my mind how hard it would be to share my DH's attention"

You're anxiety from this... I experience this ALL THE TIME. When the skids visit and when they are gone. Its like PTSD after they leave. I am constantly on guard for when I am going to get slighted next. You want to relax but just can't.

I'll read more of your post later. Just wanted to say I understand.

I know it's hard jumping into parenting. I had experience being an older sibling, and I was lost for a lot- esp when its a young boy. They want their fathers praise and attention so much, and they dont have the vocabulary to really speak everything they want and tantrums are the best way the know to deal with it. If you're still uncomfortable on what to do with them- I would say to take a parenting class (it may even help prepare you for the baby too).
I guarantee you it'll get better as the kids get older. Realize this will probably be the hardest time, both kids not school aged and only compounded because youre pregnant.
Try to find things you can enjoy with your skids too. It's ok if there's 'girls time' and 'boys time' once a week or month. Since you have such a good bond with your SD, shed prob enjoy your individual attention, and possibly getting dad to himself for awhile will help your SS deal with his attachment issues.
Don't feel neglected because SS can interrupt you while talking- I still struggle with reminding my SS4 that it's impolite to interupt people when theyre talking to someone else. It's a learned behavior. It seems like you have the support of a great husband and I hope your pregnancy goes well and less emotional (I once cried because "SS4 didn't like me") and know you're not alone in this epidemic of stepparenting!

I really feel for you, I've been in a similar situation with my 3 skids and I know how hard it is to take on someone else's kids, specially when they have behaviour problems through abuse.
Dh and I have full custody of his 3 boys, who are 7, 8 & 14 because their mother was deemed unfit due to mental health problems etc. She was very emotionally abusive towards the children and towards dh in front of them and this has caused them all sorts of problem behaviour.

Your description of their clinginess and violent tantrums could have been written about my skids, and their tantrums were over the most ridiculous little thing (I remember one 2-hour screaming session plus throwing things at dh over one of them spilling a drop of yoghurt on his pyjamas). We've also had extreme screaming over basic things like washing hair, cutting nails etc because she was very rough with them and shouted if they flinched at all, making them terrified of simple everyday things. The clinginess was awful - dh couldn't even go to the bathroom without someone crying and screaming for him, and they were always pretending to be ill with mysterious tummy aches, headaches etc which miraculously disappeared if they thought they might miss out on something nice. The attention seeking has also been a nightmare and the constant interrupting drove me to distraction. It still happens to a lesser extent, specially ss7 who still interrupts all the time and clings to dh like a toddler, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

It's good that your sd is seeing a psychologist, and she will need a lot of help for a long time as she has been through serious trauma. Your ss also needs help by the sounds of it, as he is obviously very traumatised too by his bm's abuse. We live in the UK and all the boys had help from child mental health services which was really helpful. But your DH needs to step up and be very, very firm with them so they learn that this behaviour doesn't give them any rewards. The kids are clingy to dh because he is their security figure, and they're probably terrified that he'll go away or something - not much help to you I know when you're having to cope with their screaming fits, but hopefully if they get the right help they'll start to feel more secure and calm down.

DH has done really well with the boys, with the help and advice from the mental health people. When they had their tantrums he used to put them in their rooms without speaking to them, no eye contact so they weren't getting any attention. Then he'd start removing things from their room without speaking to them, first a favourite toy and if they carried on screaming then another toy, and the longer they screamed the more things were removed. If they came out of their room he put them back without speaking or looking at them, and if we were out he'd pick them up, carry them back to the car without speaking to them and take them straight home and put them in their room till they calmed down. Any treats that were planned for that week (ie trip to Mcdonalds etc) was cancelled and they had to earn their things back through good behaviour. He also had a reward chart and drew either smiley faces for good behaviour, straight faces for ok behaviour and sad faces for bad behaviour for different times of day (ie breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime) and if they went a week with not too many ok faces and no sad faces they got a treat. It took a long time and a lot of hard work but it did work in the end, and they don't have tantrums like this anymore as they've learned it doesn't get them anywhere.

We also had a lot of problems at mealtimes, with them whining that they didn't like their dinner. He told them that was all there was and to take it or leave it. If they went into a tantrum he did the same, put them in their room and told them dinner would be on the table for a set amount of time and if they didn't eat it they would miss out till the next mealtime. We had a few wasted meals but it worked eventually once they realised they weren't going to be getting anything else and they eat their meals with no problem now.

My skids still have contact with their bm, as the court ordered eowe and half of school holidays. To be honest, I could not cope with being a sm if I didn't get regular breaks as I feel strongly that we need couple time (luckily dh agrees with me). Bm's had another baby now so she's mellowed a lot and doesn't seem to mistreat them anymore, but I know she panders to their every whim, gives in to whining and if the three of them want diffrent meals she makes them all different. Luckily for us, they know that there are different rules in our house and don't even bother to try it on anymore because they know we won't pander to them like she does.

It's very difficult for you, because it sounds like bm's not even fit to have visitation and you're stuck with these 2 young kids with their horrific behaviour without a break, plus you're pregnant too. You're bound to feel angry and resentful - I know I do even though the kids aren't half as bad as they used to be, so don't ever let your dh make you feel guilty about that. Being jealous of the attention he gives them is natural, specially if they're interrupting your adult time with their screaming/whining etc. I know with my dh, he was so exhausted after dealing with their bad behaviour all day, he was falling asleep after they went to bed and I wondered whether it was worth it, as I felt like spending time with me was right at the bottom of his priority list and it made me very resentful of him, bm and the kids.

You need to talk to your dh about how you feel in a calm and rational way. Try not to make it sound like you're blaming him for anything as he will just get all defensive. He needs to acknowledge that his kids need professional help and firm parenting, otherwise they'll rule your house and will learn that bad behaviour gets them what they want You're pregnant and a new baby will be coming into your family so he has to take responsibility for making sure his kids don't make yours and the new baby's life a misery - it's his child too and you and your baby don't deserve to be second best to his badly behaved kids.

I really hope you can work something out as you need to look after yourself and put yourself first. If it gets too much, I would take myself off out of the way and let dh deal with them - I'm sure some of the other ladies and gents on here will be able to advise you more about disengagiing if it becomes necessary to protect yourself from more anxiety.

Good luck.

WOW! This really gives me a glance of what I deal with and I am sure will in the future.
We currently have shared custody of SK's. However we are in court and custodial evaulation period to gain full custody of SKs due to Parent alienation and psychological abuse and possible sexual abuse of Sk's.
Sad is the fits and disrespect for thier father, my sk's are really bad at times. And there is no respect for me and I have caught my ss strangling my bdaughter. He is 7 she was 18 months. They had pushed her down the stairs and sat on top of her and she couldnt breathe. Sd is 11 and ss is 7 almost 8.
It is hard they really show they love her but then they also are violent with her. It is sooo hard.
Hang tough I have anxienty moments and as well depression and other problems. But I can not really see that all I and my new fam have been through I would be insane to not recongnize I have these issues. But I work through them.

Hang on girl it is tough but you will make it! I tell myself that every day

Hi Corgimom,

I do hope you find it helpful here. I have read your full post and so much of it resonates with me. I have an SD15 and SS12. They are older and we only have them EOW though. I can tell you that I still get these feelings even though they just visit most of the time. I was seeing a therapist but she wasn't really helpful. I have had those panic attacks that you talk about too.

To have your DH basically say he didn't have time for you at your worst moment was horribly disappointing and will lead to insecurity. I have had it happen as well. I now sit waiting, wondering how and when I will be disappointed next when the skids visit. I am trying to get pregnant now and hoping that will help me to feel more included as well. To be honest, what I see happening is that I will not want my own child around skids very much given how grown and sometimes inappropriate they can be (just with things they watch or say). You have it worse since you are dealing with two young abused children who are themselves insecure and dealing with a lot of other issues.

I do wish you well and really hope this board along with your therapy will help you along. One thing I will tell you is ALWAYS stand up for yourself to DH. Don't let things go and let him build bad habits. I did that and now am working on him to undo a lot of it. It is very difficult when you've let them act disrespectful then try to undo it. Start it from the beginning and be vocal.
It will get better.