Contemplating moving skids out......
I just wanted to see if anyone else ever felt tempted to kick skids out? I love FDH but having his skids over EOWnd and every Wednesday is so depressing. I'm so so tempted to just tell FDH he needs to move the skids back out of my house and reclaim my life back. I've tried living with them for a year and it's got to the point that my health and job are being impacted. I have a very important year coming up with my job and a fantastic opportunity that I've been waiting years for but I will not be able to take advantage of this is the skids are at my house. I've tried being involved and then tried disengaging but all efforts resulted in stress and misery. Last year I felt so trapped but 8 days of skids at Christmas was too much. I really thought I'd get used to them living with us every other weekend and their behaviour would improve but it's not. I'm not a mother and have minimum feelings for these bratty, selfish and manipulative skids (SD11 and SS9.) I have talked at length to FDH about this, he sees how much his baggage impacts me, I know he's worried about it all year. Around the new year I told him I was tempted to have him move the skids back out and he didn't like the idea. I told him he could move his own stuff out too as I was at breaking point. I'm not going through another year like 2013. So far he's talked me around and suggested he takes his kids away for a few weekends to give me a break during January.
I'm sure many people will judge but when your health, quality of life and job are effected surely it's time to re-evaluate? I'm tired of all the sleepless nights worrying, feeling sick to my stomach when I know one of their weekends are coming up. Will FDH and I survive skids moving out? Quite frankly if it saves my sanity but not our relationship I'll be sad but I'll survive. He's the most amazing man I've ever met but his baggage is getting too much. Something has to change. 
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I fear you're right, the only
I fear you're right, the only way is to end the relationship. I'm not going to make any rash decisions though. If he can keep his kids out of my way for a month to let the stress subside then that gives me breathing space.
He has tried getting them out
He has tried getting them out of the house more and then I've tried getting out if the house more when they're in it. It was only a short term solution.
I dream about never having to see them again. And I'm sure the SS dreams of never seeing me again. I work very hard to have a good quality of life, but that's no longer there while they're here.
I feel for your situation, it sounds so hard. I don't know how the full time SM's cope. I have no children and have minimal maternal nurturing emotions towards these skids. Their psycho BM constantly PASing is the icing on the cake.
I don't think that this is
I don't think that this is fair on him- they are his kids and he is their father. I totally get your feelings though , but I can't see how your rs will survive if you ask him not to have his kids in his life anymore .It is not realistic .
I reckon you need to separate from that man and find someone without kids.Askiing a parent not to see his children anymore is not an option in my opinion. I couldn't stand my ex SD either, so I don't judge the way you feel .But I let eventually go of the whole package and separated from Ex SO and his brat. I strongly feel that this was the only acceptable way for me when I realized I am not prepared to have his kid in my life. It was both or nothing. I choose nothing and never looked back.
I'm impressed you made such a
I'm impressed you made such a big decision and it's good to hear you had a positive outcome. I'm not asking him to not see his kids, I'd never do that. I've always encouraged him to see them even when he's been reluctant. Sometimes the skids don't want to see him, that's when BM's done an especially good job at PASing. The only decision I'm wanting to take is to move the skids out of my house. For the first year we were together FDH had his own place and I had mine. I occasionally saw the skids and we all got on well. FDH and I had a fantastic relationship and I had hardly any interactions with his skids.
We're talking about him getting his own place again for the weekends he has the kids.
So many of us take the leap
So many of us take the leap into living together without any real way of knowing how uncomfortable and stressful it can be living with our partners children, even on a part time basis. And of course once you have made that commitment and shifted everything onto another level it's hard to rewind and go back.
One of my biggest problems is I just can't quit, I will doggedly continue with things long after I should have called time because I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and I always think that I will find the magic switch to improve things. I really wish I had felt able to say 'this isn't working for me, I would be happier with my own space' and moved back to my own house when it became clear after a year or so that the stepfamily dynamic was too challenging for us all and my then SO was not equipped to deal with it effectively. I was too committed to creating a blended family in a traditional nuclear mould and thought it would be failure to abandon that goal. But it's not failure if you achieve a life balance you are happy with. I think with the rise in remarriage and stepfamilies we have to start considering alternative family and relationship models. Because the fact is that even with the best will in the world stepparent and stepchildren will not necessarily bond or benefit from a relationship with each other.
Living separately doesn't seem like a failure to me any more. It seems like an acknowledgement that the adults and the children have different needs. The only problem is that it may not be possible to restore the original dynamic in the relationships now - previously there was no rejection implicit in your having your own place, now the children will know that they are being kept at a remove and SO may feel resentment. But it sounds like that may be a risk you are willing to take.
What about putting off
What about putting off getting married until the skids are grown? If I could go back in time that is one thing I would do. Life would have been so much easier if I would have kept my place for my BS and I and have DH keep his shit together for his kids. Our blended family doesn't work at all and I hate it, but we are married and living together now.
I can only say the following
I can only say the following and I think you have pretty much resigned yourself to this in the later part of your blog.
It is ok to ask that the kids be moved out, but what you are doing in the beginning part of your blog is trying to keep your SO but have his kids move out.
The later part said he can go too.
BE FAIR. They are his kids, if you end it with them, you essentially end it with him. Allow your SO to go out to find a women who can handle his children and at least is willing to live his life with them in it. They are far to young for the me or them ultimatium
I think the best decision is
I think the best decision is for him to get his own place, so he can see the kids separate from you. A lot of the ladies on here have done it this way, coincidentally they seem to be the happiest ones on ST! lol Don't jeopardize your career. They are FDH's creation, not yours.
Thanks Ctnmom, I need to read
Thanks Ctnmom, I need to read through the forum and find some people who've done just this. Now the big question, how do we smoothly move the skids out.......... I don't want to make them feel rejected. BM's going to love this! She'll think it's her chance to get FDH back....he'd sooner die....lol!
We were thinking of using a vacation rental for a few months while he looks for somewhere more permanent.
It really helps to hear that
It really helps to hear that others struggle with this too. I went into having the kids at my house 110% determined I'd give it my all. FDH was slow to start parenting properly but he's finally getting up to speed. I can see the skids are happier but I'm the main driver behind it, encouraging and supporting FDH through his messy divorce. He's taken over most of the discipline but they do lots of manipulating and playing BM games that he can't see. I guess I forgot about my own needs and wanted to be the best partner I could. The Christmas wake up call stopped me in my tracks, it was a depressing Xmas that revolved around the skids and BM causing shit.
I've talked to FDH this morning and he thinks him getting a separate place for the kids is a good idea. He's desperate not to lose me. Before when he had his own place, he was living at my house 85% of the time and only went back to his when he had his kid weekends. I quite liked having every other weekend to chill and see my friends. I think he liked it too, I was his escape from his spoilt brat kids, psycho BM and his messy divorce. I think he likes the idea of getting back to that. We just spent 3 days promising not to talk about BM or the Skids and we've both had a wonderfully romantic weekend, just how we used to be and very loved up. If he moves the kids out and gets his divorce completed that takes so much pressure off us. BM had dragged this divorce out for 2 years, they've been separated for 6 years. Crazy BM won't let him go!
I think closing the chapter on his marriage and completing the divorce will help a lot. But the skids will still be there, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. As for FDH and I marrying, that's definitely on ice. He wants nothing more than to marry me but I've always been the career girl, big traveller and avoided settling down. As much as I love him I've not come this far to marry into a situation I'm not sure I can cope with.
Talking on this forum is so good, just putting it all down in writing is very therapeutic! Thanks guys for not judging me.
My SS16 moved out about 2
My SS16 moved out about 2 months ago on his own. We'd had many issues before, mostly having to do with the fact that he has no structure and gave me issues every time I got on to him to clean his room, do chores, etc. For example, he broke a few bones in his hand after punching a brick wall because he was pissed because I told him to clean his room. The brick wall won that fight. After that I had disengaged (this last act was just the last straw) and basically ignored him for a while before he moved out. So what was the reason he moved out? He moved out because I wouldn't talk to him.
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