Gaining perspective
My very respected friend presented me with a challenge and I was surprised how difficult it was for me to answer.
What is it that I really want? Not in regards to anyone else. Just me... what is it that is going to bring me contentment?
It was my friend's own twisted way of encouraging me to stop looking outside myself for the key to my happiness. Quit trying to mold those around me to fit into my idea of how it all should be. I let them hold the key and keep insisting they unlock the door. How silly that is in retrospect. I held that key at one point, why would I hand it over?
I've begun a journey of discovering where my happiness lies. I see so clearly now how I've placed all my value and self worth in the reflections of those around me and more specifically in my husband. I thought if I could give a thousand percent, be everything he wanted me to be...everything BM wasn't really... he would love me. Which he does, but he loves me for the tasks I do and the love I extend, not for the woman I am.
And that is such a shame, because he doesn't even begin to know the little gem I am capable of being. I didn't allow him to. I wasn't even aware myself and I was too afraid of not being loved that I never built a bridge... only cracked a window.
I'm not afraid anymore. I'm embarking on a different path to happiness and I hope he follows, but if not... that's okay too. Neither one of us is lost anymore.
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WOW CG.....
you are def one strong woman! You are also VERY right! Noone can make you happy but you! I hope he follows you on your new path! LOVE YA!
It's so simple in theory.
But bringing it to life is very hard.
I hope he follows me too, but I have taken away any sort of expectation of him to do so. He has is own issues with his own codependent traits with me and even still with his ex-wife.
I have sacrficed much to try and help him. I lost my own way trying to find solutions for his situation. What I didn't realize is that he isn't broken. At least by his own outlook he isn't... and I you can't "fix" that which is not broken to begin with.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
It's easy to get caught up
letting someone else control your happiness. I've done it, I think all of us here at ST can't say that we haven't at some point!
You are right though, it's up to you to take that key back. And it sounds as if you have decided to do it.
The book (I know, shut up about the book already) Stepmonster speaks of just this. It says that step moms have the hardest time in a step family, no one else faces the challenges that we do. And women, by nature, feel if our family isn't 100% perfect 100% of the time we've done something to make it that way.
It's up to us to hold our happiness.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
I'm glad you found this book.
It seems to be helping you a lot and I am very proud of you.
The solutions I seek go far beyond a book.
I don't think I have the hardest time in my own personal step family. My stepdaughters should wear that badge. Their journey in life will be far more difficult than mine ever could be.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
The book is helpful because it makes me realize
that I am not alone. Every one of my feelings are being justified, even while finding new ways to cope with them.
I thought you may find it interesting that the stats say that SM's have it the worst. We carry the weight of everyone's happiness on OUR shoulders. We shouldn't. But apparently you, and I are not alone on this subject. Alot of, most of, SM's take the full responsibility for it. We just can't though, it'll lead to nothing but stress and wrinkles. I'm glad that you have decided to take that weight off......and to claim your own happiness.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Isn't it funny how we do that?
It is a good sign thought that you don't think about what your family thinks of you. That's love without a string attached. You're lucky in that sense and even luckier coming to the realization of where you should place your time and effort.
I know that I have taken away the power of certain people in my life. It's very refreshing that their words, or lack thereof, will no longer affect me...ever.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Oh SA! I LOVE that!
"Now, any time I see a little trinket, or soap, or candle, or gadget and think of picking it up for one of my stepdivas, I buy it. But I send it to a family member or friend with a note of how much I appreciate them."
What a fantastic idea!
To be or not to be
All these comments have really hit home in my bubble (oh, I mean world). Why is it we base our self worth on what others think? I know what kind of person I am, so why should the BM trash talking me to the kids, and anyone else who will listen get to me so much?
A pattern that is all to familiar is that one day nothing will bother me about BM or her antics, the next day all of it will bother me and I want to just run away. Finding consistency in feelings is so hard. (I am definitely going to get that Stepmoster book).
No freedom of injustice...
There are some things in life that aren't fair. It's hard to accept this fact sometimes. Especially when the complete unnecessary actions of someone else are causing the injustice.
That is always a hard pill to swallow, when you just know it could be different...
Letting go of how it "could be" is so hard. Accepting that it just "is" and moving on from it has been almost impossible for me.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG I hope to join you soon
I see that I am near that same place some days. Many days I see it. Then I backslide of course as soon as I realize I am not ready to release the thought into the universe that if I DH couldn't come with on that journey... that I would still need to keep moving along toward what makes me most happy without him.
I have cycled through that dance of all for others...me first...all for others...me first...
So many times in my life. My challenge this year for myself has been to find a way to have both. Or rather to have balance. I'll have to ponder that some more myself.
I'm so glad for you that you have been challenged with such a question though.
That question can seem so simple you're right, but only when you're the one askin'. It gets trickier in the the answering doesn't it?
Oh and even if the answers pop up rather effortlessly, there's the darned application that holds me up at times.
When I finally answered my friend...
it was not effortless. It took me two days and actually a loss of sleep.
It was then I realized why I felt so lost. I had exhausted so much energy trying to please those around me and molding my life to fit them, that I stopped even knowing what it is that will give me happiness. Who had I become when all I sought was gratification... in all I do for OTHERS?
My friend's response was so funny, Sita. It was "Pssst, thats the whole point, get those of us who are so used to doing for others, to figure out what it is that we want, and then go after it..."
My flickering light bulb started burning bright in that moment.
Sita, you and I are a lot alike. That balance you crave so desperately is not something that is found. It is something that bestows itself upon us as we satisfy our own needs and wants. It's hard when your nature is wired to do the exact opposite, to sacrifice for the "greater good".
Letting go is nearly impossible for you and me. We are consistent souls who think that if you seek and seek always trying new strategies, that a solution will surface and all will be well. The problem is that this isn't always true, there are some things in life we simply can not change. (Like the serenity prayer) Accepting these things is a very, very difficult task.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG what a wonderful question
for all of us, not just as step moms but as women & mothers.
In my old life I was unhappily married w/o children BUT my ex worked a lot of hours and I was alone a lot. I spent that time taking care of my home & a lot of gardening & self care. I looked great & I felt wonderful physically. I did lots of wonderful things for me....but I was lonely and my ex and I wanted different things. Plus he was a know it all asshole and didn't lift a finger to help out at home and wanted to be in control. But, my life was still pretty great & I felt good about me even.
In my new life with kids & a bipolar husband I feel like I have lost me. I am heavier than I have been in years, my back is screwed up so I live with pain daily, and I still have a husband who doesn't do anything around the house & I get stuck doing it or it doesn't get done & now I have kids.
He & I get along great as long as I don't expect anything of him. That feeling of loosing who yourself is so painful. I still love him at times and enjoy him, but I can't count on him & feel let down. It only works if I accept that I do everything & he lays like a lump on the couch not even feeling guilty for doing this to me.
The question really hit home when I read this, I know what would make me happy, but that would require him to change and I can't change him, only me and I really am not the one who needs changing ( according to my therapist not just me
)
I have sacrificed & busted my ass to make everyone else happy, leaving myself drained of who I used to be. This is a question that I am going to ponder myself.... leaving isn't an option because of my precious baby who turns two this week, making it work is my only option.
I feel your pain, you are an amazing woman and deserve so much happiness!
my girl.
"The question really hit home when I read this, I know what would make me happy, but that would require him to change and I can't change him, only me and I really am not the one who needs changing"
You have to accept him then, sweetthing. You have to realize that he just isn't going to change, the same way he should not expect you to change either.
Making it work is a good choice... and a commendable one, but then you have to accept that this may entail you giving up far more than he ever will. If you are okay with that, then your acceptance will come to fruition. If you are not, you will more than likely fail.
It's at this crossroad, that I realized that my wants and desires are far too important to me. I'm not willing to sacrifice anymore, for my adverse feelings that surround this idea are not worth the reward of doing for others. I am completely off balance and unhappy.
So I'm placing me first, not because I am selfish (which I still can't help but feel) but because I simply can not survive if I continue giving all my oxygen away to help others breathe in this world. I have to take care of myself first.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
you are one of the most
unselfish women out there. We should be first, if you don't take care of you no one else will.
My husband has many faults & is frustrating BUT he gave me my little miracle, my son. For me that is why I have to make it work. I have been first, and have put myself first. I miss it a lot somedays...but the joy of my son makes it okay. I was 36 going on 37 when I met DH, so I think that is the differnce between me & some of the younger step moms or moms. I have had a life. I know what life & marriage is like w/o children. There are pros & cons to it. The grass is always greener on the other side.
I just spent the weekend with my family. My parents have been miserably married for 42 years. They really hate each other more than they love each other. My brother is in a sexless marriage with a wife who barely works for, has sex pretty much for procreation, they can't relax & their kids are brats. My parents argued and my mom threatened to leave my dad for the millionth time this weekend. Both of my parents complained about each other to me. I too asked my dad what would make you happy, what do you want? He said he doesn't know. He said we both have scars that run deep from where we have hurt each other over the last 40 years and that nothing he does is good enough.
It is sad, I love them both & wish they could find some happiness.I didn't mean to hijack your post. I use this really sad example as it is fresh in my mind. I don't want for anyone to feel like that. It isn't living, it is existing and we all deserve so much more than that.
I think on my good days I can accept my husband and at the same time help him be his best person through love and encouragement. Not just for mine & my sons sake but for his brothers too.
One last thing
as a child I remember my parents threatening divorce all the time & being so afraid of it. Now I would welcome it as a new opportunity for them & perhaps finally their own happiness. I see both sides with them, but can't see how they can get to that place together.
It's so nice to see you
It's so nice to see you following your own advice.
It sounds like the same kind of conversation we once had around a campfire. You can always come make yourself happy on my lake.
To every thing there is a season.
CG, what happened to your other blog about
answering this question? I read part of it but decided I'd answer when I got home from work and could really think about it but it's gone.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Your so COOL CG
your so cool CG ,, I just love ya. I totally understand what your saying, but if I miss a point here or their please excuse me.
I stopped blogging for a while because I felt myself getting angry and well ugly. I really had to step back and take a wake up call. Is this the path I want to take? Am I with DH because I want to fill in the gap, solve the problems? Be the Mom my SS lacks?
For the first 5 years, I tortured myself and dragged my biokids right behind me. My DH stepped back and let me fight the dragon. And that became part of who I was, I never accepted, IT IS WHAT IT IS
I read back on some of my blogs here, ough,,can I just slap myself?
Now Im at a better place, my relationship with DH has changed. I take care of myself first, went back to the gym, back to get my haircut, doing nails. Laughing at stupid joke. Dont worry about picking up SS, even allow BM to pick him up if I have something I want to do.
Ive reached out to BM, put her on my family list, regarding funny jokes. My emails say please and thank you. I even went as far as requesting facebook friend. Now that Im not so angry, I did it with total friendship in mind. I thought if we took a look into each lives, we could learn to respect each other more,
She declined (sigh of relief lol)
Anyway Am I off???
It is what it is, right? I have to also add my DH was confused, this was not what he was use too. He still scratches his head? our realtionship just took a turn
thanks