Stepping out is Stepping Forward
This is a lesson learned, learned and then learned some more. I just wanted to submit my "progress report", as regards SD15's progress report from school this first quarter.
I manage the school account email. Dh just cannot do it. And I do it to hold him accountable, as well as keep him informed. Im the techie of the family. I accept that responsibility, and its just better and easier. It is what it is.
So this morning I see an email notification for SD15's progress report. Click and "oops THERE it is!"
I text him a screen capture, and his response is "English no bueno, but the rest ok" (its a D. She took honors english last time and ended with C-). I responded with "well its probably the same issue she had with honors english last time - low scores, but this time there are due dates and no redos of low scores like her FRm year. I told him with other stuff (2 a's -ceramics and rotc, bs chemistry and spanish and health) she always seems to start out strong and then at the end at crunchtime blows things off."
I just couldnt help myself.
And this whole exchange unleashed 6 months of stuffed down unresolved resentments. I texted him that obviously SD15 didnt really NEED me to "help" she was just USING me as an escape hatch to avoid getting in trouble for bad grades, her freshman year during distance learning. I told him "it was REALLY unnecessary for me to have spent over $500, and the time and trouble and giving props and incentives. And I feel like total ch!t now, all over again, reliving it. Another ch!t sandwhich for Clove."
His words back? "I warned you that would happen"
/ME: "YEAH, but I did it in the best interests of the child, his child, and trusted in our relationship, so I stuck my neck out anyway. I believed in her abilities. " That wont happen again.
My final text was "the OLD clove would say great job for A's, then ok whats going on with English, and finally, good job with the hard stuff like chemisty but the teacher said you can do better, so how are you going to bring that up...?" The NEW Clove sais "not my problem. The mother said "i got this" last april after flogging DH with "you always choose your WIFE over your CHILD, and clove has been HARASSING the child about school", so Clove does not give a flip over childs bad grades/bad grades/potentials, thats childs problem, its HER life after all.
Lesson learned folks, and lesson learned has been implemented. No more energy going to skiddo and her scholastic pursuits. I just needed to share...progress is progress...
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Comments
I'll say this, our dh's are
I'll say this, our dh's are friggin lazy- the excuse of using us as the 'techie' person is just an excuse because they are too lazy to be bothered to learn. I am going to say I"m sure you probably many times offered to teach him how to look and take responsibility for it.
My dh does this with a lot of things, lazy effer. Down to ordering his pharmacy refills or making appointments-oh but you do it so much better, it's fast and easy for you.....bleh, man hating today lol.
I really am better
Hes a mechanic and Im at the office all day in front of a computer.
BUt yes, he just bought a new/used apple laptop. Its a mini table for paperwork. I set him up as much as I could...and yes, the email that we share for school purposes. But he refuses to look, or pay attention.
Hes the opposite of Disney Dad, he is Warehouse Dad. Feed em, house em, and take em to school and moms and thats it...I dunno. My parents cared way more about our schooling. The values are so different.
I agree about men. My
I agree about men. My daughter-in-law didn't graduate high school and was able to navigate home schooling on a computer. I helped her set it all up and make sure all logins were saved and she was able to get through it.
It's not your, DH's or BM's problem
The very best thing you can do for Munchkin (who I know you love deep down no matter how disappointed you are) is to let her experience the consequences of her actions or lack of actions. You've transmitted the message to your non-tech DH (I have one, too). That's it.
Clove, I know you are not a mother and are probably coming late to the motherhood party, but this is THE toughest part of being a parent -watching your loved one make mistakes that could be easily prevented. You're getting there but believe me, I know how hard it is. Trust me, letting Munchkin feel the pain is the best way, the only way.
Thanks!
YES, VERY hard.
And I do in fact want her to feel some twinges after how she activated her mother Toxic Troll against me and all the manipulations. Pain, do NOT go away.
I do in fact also want her to go to college and do better than her parents and sister, and live a good life.
Im hoping that DH will send this to her and the mother and they can deal with it. And its not my problem, but I think some major "come to haysus" moments need to happen (they wont) and that DH and the mother will in fact put some pressure down. I mean seriouly, what the heck is the kid doing in honors english? Its not her strength! She did badly the first time around! ARRRRRG. And an A in ceramics after failing Art the first time. WELLLLLLL OKKKKAAAY. What about putting some of that effort into Spanish (in our area it really helps) and chemistry? AAARRRRG.
Whew. Needed to do that.
The next step is to tell him
The next step is to tell him that if he wants to see her grades, he can figure out how to work the school email account. After all, it is 2021, I'm quite sure he uses it for work and personal reasons. So he really doesn't need your tech skills, he just doesn't care about her grades. If he did, he'd figure out how to see them on his own.
YES.
Im still in that quandry place of "her only job is school, she has very little regular daily chores and getting her to wash dishes is always stressful, so shouldnt she be pullng As"
and the other quandry of worrying about a future housemate "who fails to launch appropriately".
You trying to micromanage her
You trying to micromanage her grades will not cause her to launch. Put your effort into letting DH know that you do not agree to having her live there after 18 if she's not making effort at work or school.
This proves that he is capable, he just chooses not to do it,
This proves that he is capable, he just chooses not to do it, "I set him up as much as I could...and yes, the email that we share for school purposes. But he refuses to look, or pay attention." You do not have to be a "techie" to use a school portal and look at grades. It is not that difficult. He chooses not to do it, because he knows you will.
And you do, and then it brings up feelings that you have to deal with again, "and this whole exchange unleashed 6 months of stuffed down unresolved resentments." I guess it is good you got to air 6 months worth of resentments, but if he would just step up and parent - you woudn't have resentments!
Dont forget the pull of Troll-ville
She flogged him via text pretty good. The same thing she did with Feral Forger SD22 - blocked him at every turn when he tried to parent her. She graduated HS with D average.
BUT now that everyone has experienced that lesson, of course it couldnt ever happen again, right? So, he does need to disregard the Troll and parent his child. HOWEVER as luck would have it this week she is at her mothers, he only sees her during pick ups drop offs. He gets so much backlash when he parents during the Trolls "time".
We shall see what happens. Probs nothing.
And Ive got my own life thats humming along quite nicely...
In this context, by "parent," I meant use the portal himself.
In this context, by parent, I meant use the portal himself. His lack of desire to even use the portal to track SD15's progress in school has nothing to do with BM. If you were not doing it, he would have no idea how she is doing in school - and apparently he would be fine with that.
Dh just cannot do it.
Dh just cannot do it.
Yeah, I'm calling horsepuckey on that. My sister is a major idget when it comes to tech stuff. Solution: I write up step-by-step instructions for her to follow.
It's not that your DH cannot do it. That's a copout, plain and simple. He CAN do it; he does not want to do it.
EXACTLY
So now what? She has little to no chores and Im not happy supporting that and yet Im paying 50% of household that supports her.
ARRG.
But life is still good and Im busy doing my thang.
Luckily community college doesnt really care what your HS grades are.
Ignore it. I have to
Ignore it. I have to constantly have a little conversation in my head that says "stay out of it" running. YSD is really good in school, but life skills not so much. And I've been burned way, way too much by both SDs and DH to get involved in ANYTHING. Leave it to him to deal with. I pay 50% of the household as well, but refuse to pay any additional. He does that.
Then tell him you will no
Then tell him you will no longer pay 50%. He needs to pay for her share if everything
He can do it but that means
He can do it but that means you give up all control. I like you so this is in no way a dig at you. But this tiny little thing you do, this checking of the school stuff is still not good for you. He can do it, you just need to let him. Give up this last power you hold. Give it up and let it go. Until you do, you're still in it. Ask yourself why you won't let this last thing go.
I don't believe for one
I don't believe for one second that your DH lacks the technical abliity to check Backstabber's grades. He's not checking because he doesn't want to see it. If he sees it and he knows that you know he sees it, he would HAVE to do something about it. Nope! Can't risk that. Why take that risk now? His wanting to retreat to safety is engrained and you will not get validation or vindication from him. You won't even get the ackownlegement from him that you're not the bad guy. Your DH is unable to do that for you because it would ruin his front of acting blind and/or unable to check grades. His "inability" to look at Munchkin/Backstabber's grades is the guise for him staying exactly where he wants to be: Land of Denial and not the bad guy. He wants you to be the bad guy. If it's you, then it's not him. I call totall bullshit on your DH.
I would suggest telling your DH that you have faith in his abilities to check the school email and portal and hand the reins over to him. With you not even being so much as on the email, you can't be available to get sucked in. It'll all be on him and Munchkin/Backstabber. Then grab the popcorn and wine. It'll be all the vindication you need. The sweetest vindication/validation is always when you didn't have to say a word. Enjoy!
Tell him from now on
He pays 66% of household expenses and you pay 33. %. That if there only one SK.
If he lets FF move in then he pays 75% of the bills
One needs to be a "techie" to
One needs to be a "techie" to open school accounts and get on school emails? That's a new one.
If he is capable to hang out on social media and read and post on there (which I recall he is able to do very well), then he can open school accounts.
He can, he just doesn't want to. Well there are parents who don't check grades and it is what it is. You can't hold people accountable by doing things for them. It's the other way around. You also don't need to hold him accountable in regards to his parenting (or lack off) of his own kids. He is a hands off parent. By doing things for him you aren't making him a "hands on" parent. You actually enable him to continue doing nothing
And you won't make skids do better in life by checking on their grades constantly. It doesn't work that way. There is zero need for all that.
and you keep saying that you energy isn't going towards her education anymore yet you spend whole ton of your energy on checking and following and screen shotting and sending to DH and commenting. All about grades
Just stop doing it
Spot on
It wasnt much time or energy...not really.
And in the car on speaker phone he mentioned "oh that grade in English is actually ab"
I responded with "well Im out of things really, I dont have parent portal and I dont have google classroom access, and I am going to stay out of sending email updates as well...because when I stick my neck out my head gets chopped off". Sd15 heard that...and added her 2 cents of "oh the grading is really weird right now". I didnt even call out that bs statement...just "oh sounds good, ok, BYE"