Clothes issue with teenage skids particularly girls
My SD and I have an on again off again relationship depending on whether she gets what she wants or not or whether BM fills her head with crap. I've always taken her shopping something BM does rarely because it seems to be a common interest for both of us. Over this past year I have bought her numerous clothes, some expensive, some not but all very fashionable trendy items which she loves to wear. The problem started when she decided that she'd wear all the stuff we buy her to her mom's and then replenish at our house when we next go shopping. This does not fly with me. We pay a lot of support to BM and it is my view that she should buy clothes for SD to wear at her house as do we when she is at ours - 50/50 custody. I tried to be reasonable and told SD that if she wears something to mom's that we buy her it must be brought back the next week. This sometimes happened, sometimes didn't and it has often been a source of frustration for me. I was away from home for about 4 weeks in Sep/Oct and when I returned and got all my laundry up-to-date I noticed that quite a few items - like maybe 25 things were missing from her closet - I was disappointed with this considering that I brought her back a lot of new stuff when I returned home ( a lot of it purchased by my own nother), which again she decided to wear to BM's. BM for the record sends both kids to us in old tatty worn out clothes and as my SD is older and more sensitive to this I let her wear stuff from our house to her mom's. I was so disappointed that she had chosen to completely disregard my viewpoint on the matter and had just done her own thing that I confiscated a number of new things that I had bought her or that my mum had bought her and when she returned to our house I told her that when she decided to bring back the clothes from her mom's as her dad and I always asked her to do then we'd return the items we'd taken. She got on the phone straight away to BM and last weekend was a particularly stressful one as she was extremely mouthy to me and copped a lot of attitude with me. So, today I'm tidying her room and I find a list she made of all the clothes I'd removed, at the bottom she wrote "I'm sure there's a lot more missing but I'm not wasting my time, something that you can't take away from me" I was somewhat surprised and angry at this because this child thinks any spare cash we have should be spent on her but her BM ALWAYS gets a free pass - she'll tell me "oh, mommy went shopping, she's updating her closet, mommy got her hair coloured, mommy got new shoes, mommy got her nails done and when I say - what'd you get - she'll say - oh nothing, but that's ok. Is this child in denial or am I too harsh? I'm ashamed to say it but I find myself really not liking her right now and can only wonder what lies ahead - she talks to me like I'm her peer, she relays everything I do back to BM and I find myself just wishing she'd disappear into a black hole. Somebody tell me if I approached the clothes thing in the right manner or if I need to back off. It's more about following her dad's and my rules than about the clothes I think.
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Pick your battles
They are her clothes... who cares where she wears them or where she keeps them when they are not on her body? If she wants to take them, then let her take them. If she wants to wear them at your house, then she will bring them back. If she doesn't bring them back and shows up with her oldest, rattiest clothes, then that is what she shall wear. Buy her new things because she needs them or because you want to, but not to replace items that she is hoarding at her mother's house. And taking them from her is only going to make you the bad guy. Make it her responsibility to bring the clothes she wants to wear to the place she wants to wear them. It's one less fight you have to wage with her.
~ Anne ~
I wouldn't worry about this one....
If you buy clothes because she needs them and she doesn't wear them back, well then she wears the ratty clothes. It is about her image, not yours. Don't sweat this. A teenager needs to have some control and her own identity. Would she not want to discuss this issue with her mom? Sounds like everyone is controlling the little decisions in her life....how will she ever cope with the big responsibilities as they arise. How many bio kids would have to face not controlling where and when they wear their own clothes.
cll1764 - how old are your skids?
are they teenagers? the thing with the clothes is that SD has no clothes here that came from BM's - I mean absolutely none - she's not allowed to wear BM's stuff here or refuses to because they are old and tatty - I just don't know - I hear what you are both saying but at 14 I thought we were being fair enough to let her wear them but on the proviso she brought them back. Anne, I'd like to be where you're at with it but if I buy the clothes then I want her to wear them here, I don't want her wearing tatty clothes when we're at family functions or on outings. Why should I spend my money - not her dad's - on her to fund a closet at her mom's. I guess this is something that pushes my buttons so why can't she just respect that.
How many times...
...of her being embarrassed by her clothing would it take for a 14yo girl to catch on that the way to avoid being embarrassed by her clothing is to make sure she has the clothing she wants to wear with her, wherever she is staying? I'd stick to my guns and let her know that it is her responsibility to bring the clothing back or she will just have to wear whatever crap she brought from her BM's house.
I realize that you probably don't want her going about in crappy clothes when she's with you, but hey, I have spent the past three weeks dragging my daughter from errand to errand in a Cinderella costume that has definitely seen better days. (She's only three and I'm already picking my battles carefully with her!) A couple of times of letting her go out in the crappy clothes may teach her to bring the nice ones back. And whether it does or it doesn't, who cares?! Don't buy more clothes if you don't want to, but put the onus on her to take responsibility for her own attire. I mean, if she can't handle that at the age of 14, then what's going to happen to her when life starts throwing her real responsibility?
I have two teenaged stepdaughters that are very manipulative, I think most teenagers go through this at some point, trying to get us to give them whatever it is they want. Maybe your best bet is to just make this a rule with consequences just like any other rule in your house. If you don't clean your room, then no TV tonight. If you don't return the clothng you took last week, then no computer this week. I'd forget about mom - you'll never be able to affect her behavior. I'd focus on the girl and getting her to take responsibility for bringing the clothes back or suffer the consequences.
~ Anne ~
RE:
I agree with Anne. If the girl doesn't bring back her nice clothes that you've bought her, it's her own fault that she doesn't have anything nice to wear. Make sure to take her out in public on a nice outing to a movie or the park. Maybe she'll get so embarrassed that she'll start bringing them back without having to be asked. If she doesn't, I'd just stop buying her so many nice clothes. There are other things that you could shop for that teenage girls love - candles, makeup, Bath & Body stuff, music, etc. I'd switch the focus from clothes to other things and put the responsibility on her to make sure that she has the proper clothing to look the way she wants to at whichever house she's staying at.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
When we talk about our sks, I always remember
When I talk about my sks, I always try to remember that they are part of my spouse too. They didn't get all of their crappy qualities from mom and their saintly qualities from their dads. The Dads aren't perfect any more than the biomoms are totally evil...no way. The dynamics are horrible in step family situations and the step situation is a nuisance to step moms but let's face it, if we had 14 year old biological children, they would OWN their own clothes and be responsible for them. Adults fighting about a 14 year old clothes in just way too much. What is biodad's view in all of this and WHY do the stepmoms have so much control over this issue and yet so little input in other issues...seems odd. This isn't about a 14 year old and clothes...this is about adults and control and power as opposed to support and influence on both sides. This is a strong opinion, I know, but seriously, these kids are made to sound like absolute morons who have little responsibility...how much control over their lives do you think that they must feel that they have when the adults are all battling about what they where, where they can wear it, etc.
Hmmm...
I definitely hear what you are saying regarding this clothes issue but if a 14 year old can't have some say into where she wears her clothes...then who do the clothes belong to anyways. How does this teach her responsibility or does it teach her more about who is in control? Why is the stepmom the one who has to "lay down the law" here...what happened to dear old dad? How truly objective can the stepmoms be about kids that in many ways remind of them of less than positive aspects of their lieves. I heard a quote recently which I think applies and that we should keep in mind "there is no such thing as objectivity, only varying degrees of subjectivity."
I think the "your
I think the "your stuff....you bring it if you want to wear...leave it if you don't want to wear it" approach is a good one. That takes you out of the equation.....and makes HER wardrobe HER responsibility. If she's not mature enough to remember or thinks she's getting one over on you....this solution should work either way. My 13 yr old DOES bring her favorite clothes to her Dads AND brings them back.....or she just doesn't have access to them until next visit with Dad. It's pretty simple........the clothes situation......it just kinda of manages itself...really...
SD will kick up a stink at first......she's got a good thing going and of course wouldn't want it messed up....by having to be responsible for herself...and by not being able to play you anymore.
Once she catches on the the new rules..she'll have no choice but to suck it up....
Good Luck
We run into it with the boys too.
Ex is supposed to provide clothing for the boys. DH & her agreed that the boys would have clothes left at dad's rather than the boys carting clothes baack & forth. Needless to say DH got the crap she didn't want.
Enter step mom ( me) I threw out the crap she sent this summer ( we got married in June) and took them shopping for new stuff that fit. Need to point out she makes almost twice as much money as my DH & then gets a 1/3 of his. He also provides insurance & pays 1/3 of day care...gotta love it.
I did the same for fall. We also bought them each a new pair of sneakers so they had a spare at our house. Yesterday we didn't go home after church & oldest(9) had worn his nice new khaki's which I will probably not see again unless DH asks for them back. I had to laugh as he chose to wear the sneakers from our house home instead of his others ( both are equally nice ) because they coordinated with his shirt. His mom noticed right away and asked me about the shoes. I told her that they were at our house & that I had told him that both were his shoes & that as long as he has a pair at either home that he can wear what he wants. She seemed good about that. Her & DH agrued over clothing a while back and I had to step in & she & I agreed that if I need her to get them something she will otherwise I told her I do enjoy buying them things. I guess all I care about is that the boys enjoy being at both homes & know that they are loved.
Of course there is a big difference between buying little boys clothes at Wal Mart & the $$$ involved in outfitting teenage girls. Especially ungrateful ones.