Fungus Part Tres or "I never wanted to divorce you"
It's been three weeks since I discovered SS13's (autistic) raging case of ringworm between all his fingers. Doc had said applying the cream 3 times a day would take care of it well within 14 days. Guess who is not applying it at her house? Oh, well, she may do it once a day but it's supposed to be 3 times.
The first time we discovered she wasn't doing it, DH took the boy back to the doc got a second tube of ointment and gave BM a big speech designed to appeal to her own interests, how everyone in the house could get it including herself. SD15 was standing right there so she got freaked out, too. Fantastic. No one can pester like SD15 so we hoped things would get back on track.
Oh, no, naive one. We didn't see the boy for an unprecedented few days because BM's dad was in town and she wanted the time for grampa and the kids. No problem. But when we got him back, Sunday, fingers look worse not better and the boy, incapable of lying, tells us no Mom didn't put any on him this morning his dad and I are disgusted and infuriated on top of being disgusted and infuriated. D and I squared.
So Dh loses his temper with BM and tells her if she's not going to put the medicine on, then don't bother bringing the boy to our house. See it's dh's belief the only thing that will work with her is to cost her something. We know she doesn't want the boy full time. So closing our doors to him because we don't want ringworm in our house seemed like it might get her attention.
She insists she IS putting in on him, whimper, whimper, as her pants catch fire and her nose grows an inch. He leaves, so she texts him "fine, we'll manage all alone like we always have" or something like that but even more insulting and stupid and martyrlike than I can even think of (don't have it in front of me).
Dh didn't respond. But, oh, SD15 has to chime in defending her mother via text. I despair of that girl.
So morning rolls around, Dh is at work slaving away so he can fork over truckloads of money to BM and in comes an email from her. It's her sob story explaining how hard life is as a single mother and she can't help it if she doesn't get it perfect all the time. (So she's admitting right there that she's been lying about the medicine the whole time) She even said her dad while visiting asked her, "why don't you have a life, date?" It's because she's too busy! (I guess it's too hard to tell your dad "I'm a lazy couch slug with no interest in life but I just know one of those European princes is going to knock on my door one day!")
Then she says I NEVER WANTED TO BE DIVORCED FROM YOU.
ST friends, if you could see this woman for 30 seconds you could tell she does not like my husband. She doesn't find him interesting, attractive, or likeable. When they were together she was mean to him, he lived like a monk, at the end he heard her on the phone telling someone how much she can't wait to get divorced. When he went to the family computer for something he found it open to the Divorce Store.
I told DH that it's very common on ST for these ex-wives to re-write history like that. Claim he was the one who left or cheated when it was her. He found it very interesting and thanks to all of you for sharing those stories.
We have been married 2 years and I had never seen her say such a thing or write any of the rest of it so this made my eyes pop out. But dh has been hearing this crap for the better part of 20 years from her which is why he is careful how he handles her because he knows how shameless she is. It was oddly soothing to both of us to know her outrageous statements were utterly predictable according to ST.
As for the fungus, I think today he is finally going to tell the school nurse. I've told him since Day 1 that if they kick him out all the better because he can then live full time at our house till the fungus is gone. I will pick up his lessons from school and home school him the whole time and get the dang medicine on his fingers 3 times a day. It will be fine. Honestly wish we had done this from the first but it's not my child and not my ex-wife. Frankly, I'd gladly take the child but I wish we could make the ex-wife vanish!
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It's my theory that, yes, she
It's my theory that, yes, she can't figure out life. Oh, get married, that's it! Hates dh so what's next, oh, yeah, have babies! Hates being a mother but it sure gives her status. And autism gives her her favorite thing of all time -- an excuse!
Really can't stand dh so dreams of her perfect life with him out of her hair, gets divorced.
Oh, gee, life without dh there to do every damn thing for her is haaaaard. Who's going to wash the dishes? who's going to get the kids' teeth brushed? How'm I going to get jewelry? Waaaaaaahahhh! I never wanted to divorce you!
you are a good step mom!
you are a good step mom!
Oh, very kind of you. SS13 is
Oh, very kind of you. SS13 is very lovable. He does not deserve to be a walking petri dish. I think most of the ladies here would do the same. What is wrong with the child's own mother?????!!!!!
you are a good step mom!
you are a good step mom!
Oh ringworm…I will never
Oh ringworm…I will never forget the day I discovered a dime sized ringworm on SDs back as I was bathing her to go home. She was about 6 years old. I told DH what it was and told him to let BM know.
2 weeks pass. The ringworm was now the size of a quarter.
I tell DH again.
2 weeks pass again. Now the ringworm has spread to her entire back and is crossing her torso.
We took photographs. We told BM to give us SDs insurance card that WE would take her to the doctor, BM refused.
She finally took her to the doctor when DH told her that SD wasn't allowed to come back until it was healed because I didn't want my kids to catch it.
THAT is when the bitch took action. These women are just so beyond neglectful. WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?
Wow. DH will be so interested
Wow. DH will be so interested in your story. You used this same tactic and it worked. Very interesting.
Yeah, what woman on earth does not go on red alert when she hears/sees ringworm? What mother lets her kids suffer and become pariahs? What human doesn't want that stuff out of the house!?
My dh dropped what he was doing and took ss13 to the clinic the minute we discovered it. BM didn't have to do a thing but put the ointment on a very compliant child, no fuss whatsoever, in fact he can do it himself just hand it to him 3 times a day. But no, that's too much for her. Unbelievable.
What a powerfully sad line,
What a powerfully sad line, your last line.
But it's true, we finally do have BM's attention. She sent him 2 or 3 more texts today. The big sobby email went unanswered as did her first text.
So, yeah, she's getting panicky that she won't be able to offload this delightful and lovable boy this weekend. Which she won't.
Too funny - her texts today
Too funny - her texts today said she needed "more information." You mean the very difficult to remember info "ointment 3 times a day/highly communicable" that DH has given her 47 times? Or the info that is printed right on the box?
Gad, she's infuriating.
I should also add there is more to her wanting a divorce years ago. He also dragged her to counseling where the counselor ended up very frustrated telling DH, "you can't push a rope."
It would have given me quite
It would have given me quite a jolt, this NEVER wanted to divorce you business. Ouch! Not that there is *any* danger your DH will want to consider it seriously or even respond to it... but the depth of her despair is disarming.
At the risk of sounding a very unpopular note, I tend to feel pity for your SS's BM. She strikes me as pitiful and pathetic and unable to deal more than vicious and abusive and out to get him. There is no excuse for not putting the ointment on the kid, and as a mother I hail from the other end of the spectrum
(authoritarian vs permissive) but i have to say:
1. being a single mother is hard no matter how you landed that role; BM cannot cope.
2. looking at your ex enjoying a happy family life in the arms of a (much more competent ) woman is also not easy. At least she does not PAS the kids - does she?
3. raising a child with autism is a life-long sentence. I have MANY friends who are in that boat and most deal with it well, most days, but it is a hell of a challenge to rise to and rise to again and again. It is something that provokes new pangs at every new turn of the road. When you see other kids meeting milestones your child cannot even approach you feel like shit. Not too many men out there will be interested in getting serious with a woman who has that kind of baggage ( again, it only makes you look so much better, Chief).
And you are certianly right about one thing. It is always a surprise to me too when the ex-wife suddenly finds so many positives in the husband she spent many years humiliating and belittling. My DH's ex left 4 tearful, pitiful, then angry messages on his VM last month when he filed a court motion against her. It amazed me that the woman who had made it her mission to ruin him financially and to destroy his relationship with his kids was able to sob and wail and carry on about being so disappointed as she had always thought he was a decent guy but now she can no longer recognize him and does not know who he is. Huh??? How about treating him as if he were a decent guy? Where is the sincere apology for her actions?
Nothing but empty threats followed.
Your BM seems to have the same amnesia.
Is it possible btw that your SS is not responding to this treatment and just needs something stronger?
Not possible that he's not
Not possible that he's not responding. We know for a fact that she's not putting it on him. The first time I noticed he wasn't getting better was when I picked him up from school on a Thursday. He had last been at our house on Sunday. I noticed it right away in the office at school but I didn't say anything. Later in the car I told him before we did homework that afternoon we'd put on the medicine. He FREAKED out. "Mom told me I didn't have to have it anymore!" It was well before the 14 days were up. He told me the last time he had any was, yes, Sunday. Our house.
And so on and so forth. Plenty of other incidents and evidence that she isn't putting it on as directed.
You have a very kind heart but really your pity is wasted on her. She has tons of support and assets and all she has ever done is waste them. She's not even there in the morning when the kids wake up -- the babysitter paid by my husband is. She has every single weekend free. Every single one. She doesn't even want the kids on Mother's Day. The teen is a latchkey kid for a couple hours every day. So BM sees these kids from 4pm to 8pm 2 days a week and less than that 3 days a week because we have them and not at all on weekends. My dh takes them to the doc, the dentist, the orthodontist, the autism classes, everything you can think of, he does.
She does PAS the kids. Not nearly as dramatically as many of the stories around here but the longer I'm in this marriage the more I see it. Right now DH is afraid she will tell SS13 "daddy doesn't want you so you can't go there this weekend." Yup, she would.
Yes, my BM has the same amnesia that yours does. It's sickening. My husband is a wonderful man, a hero, the kind of guy that holds the world on his shoulders. She lives to make him feel bad. It gives her fuel. These ridiculous messages from her about the ringworm actually have nothing to do with ringworm. She never even mentions it. It's one hundred percent "you're not doing enough for meeeee! you're a bad man!" She doesn't care about the boy. She just needs her hit of DH Guilt so she can rise at dark like the vampire she is.
I was looking forward to your post here, Pilgrim. I did enjoy it and aprreciate it. What's funny is that your post drips with the kindness in your heart and the high-mindedness comes shining through. If you met BM for 10 seconds, you'd see the opposite glaring off her.
Here is a wild idea: can she
Here is a wild idea: can she be a Bordeline Waif? Is she letting the fungus grow as it will bring her more attention and "care" from your DH or from others? She seems intent on being helpless and why not; it gets her rewards! Your DH is still her rescuer, she's the damsel in distress. There is no such thing as negative attention, you know. This "I hate you, don't leave me" dance is also pretty telling. It might explain some of her daughter's behaviors also.
Just a theory... but look here: http://www.borderlineliving.com/borderline-waif/
and here: http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Rela...
Thank you for your kind words btw but I am not THAT kind, believe me. It is more of a practiced response because i see lots of parents of kids with special needs struggle very mightily. However, I trust your judgment: she would drive me insane as well. She is like a bottomless pit of constant need that others have to fill... and work hard bc she won't. Arghhh!
Hey, that looks like good
Hey, that looks like good stuff! I will read up on it, thanks for bringing it up and getting the links.
You're too modest. All your posts are kind, thoughtful, high-minded. It's because they are written by a person who thinks that way.
I know the autism thing is big for many parents. I'm sure ss was quite a handful when he was little. But even then, my dh took a huge amount on himself while BM had the TV running from the time she got up till she went to bed. Did she do all the advocacy and research other mothers do? Not on your life.
We have met other autism parents and they typically do have a much greater burden than we do. However, every single one of those mothers do umpty million more things for their autistic kid than BM does. Heck, I do more for him than she does! It just can't be the answer to her personality disorder, whatever it is. She was a blaming, lazy lump before that child was born. BTW, I talked to mil this afternoon and she was filling me in on the early days. She never liked BM. She can't stand her any more than I can including when she first met her. Was sorry to see her son marry her.
Well it's great that you have
Well it's great that you have an ally in your MIL. She must be overjoyed to have you for a DIL these days and not BM.
Now all you have to do is introduce BM to a guy who has a need to rescue people. May be your MIL could fix her up with someone. That could be the answer to everyones prayers.
That's exactly what we pray
That's exactly what we pray for!
Sally, that would actually be
Sally, that would actually be some kind of awesome. SS to us, SD to her. SD seems so far gone don't know if there's any chance we can do her any good anyway.
I wish you could get to know him, too. You'd fall in love with him and the more people that love him the better. He's cheerful, happy 98% of the time, compassionate, smart, funny, and usually compliant. I find him no trouble at all. Most people wouldn't. But then, most people have no trouble giving their kids the medicine they need. Oy.