Help me!
Hi everyone,
My step son is 13 years old. He is going through puberty and I’m loosing my mind. I’m gay, my wife is such an incredible person but is scared to death that her son will want to go live with his dad in Florida. And we live in New Hampshire, so kinda far away! She is terrified so she babies my step son so much it scares me. He talks baby talk some times. He wants to hold her hand while we are in public or just sitting on the couch watching TV. He likes to be tucked into bed still. He kisses her on the lips ALL THE TIME, in public, saying goodbye, saying goodnight, saying hello even.
My step son is a great kid, very kind and helpful but I am having the hardest time relating to him. Or even having a conversation with him. I was an extremely independent kid. I knew how to do things before being tought how to do things, my common sense game is strong. I also grew up in a very very strict household. Sports and being outside were my whole life. My step son needs step by step instructions on how to use a S.O.S pad, and most of the time my wife ends up doing it for him because he “doesn’t know how.” All he wants to do is play video games, watch people play video games on YouTube, play with swords and talk about aliens....
Heres the big problem.... I’m almost 7 months pregnant.
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Oh wow.... Have you talked to
Oh wow.... Have you talked to your wife about wanting to raise a strong and independant person? Someone who wants to contribute to society at large? Have you told her that what is happening with your SS will not be tolerated with the baby soon to be here??
Lol, I was literally writing
Lol, I was literally writing the same thing as you, at the same time.
Yes I have! Her response is
Yes I have! Her response is that she is working on it and doesn’t want to push him away and make him want to live with his dad. Every time he goes to his dads he gains sooo much weight and sits in his butt and plays video games. I feel like I’m the only one that wants this kid to be a better person. My wife knows that when we have our baby there will be serious set rules. I am a very strict person but when it comes to my step son if I say anything my wife gets mad at me.
She takes my advice as an
She takes my advice as an insult. She feels like I’m putting her down as a mother. I know no one is perfect but I don’t feel comfortable with a lot of this.
Guilty disney parenting isn't
Guilty disney parenting isn't parenting though. Since he is 15 have y'all started talking about him getting a job next year? What about driving privleges? Does he have to maintain certain grades? Have to do things around the house to earn $ for insurance and gas? A job is probably the best thing for him.
I got my first job at 15. I got a D in algebra. My parents were livid. They told me that if I didn't apply myself that my best case senario in life was working fast food. (That isn't meant to be a insult to fast food workers!) So at 15 they got my work permit and made me get a job-- Burger King hired me. I spent the summer greasy and gross and my face broke out like nothing else and I only made $4.75/hr and it was the worst!! Yet, the best thing for me. I still to this day give my parents props for that punnishment.
He’s only 13 will be 14 soon.
He’s only 13 will be 14 soon. We talk about vehicles and he shows no interest at all. He has even said that he wishes he was a little boy again and doesn’t want to grow up. I’ll ask him to move my car every now and then and he refuses or will move it 3 feet but will need my wife in the car with him and show him every time which petals are which. Now he’s saying he wants to be home schooled...
He spends 6 weeks in the
He spends 6 weeks in the summer with his dad in Florida and I told him he needed a job next year and he said his dad probably won’t let him so he can’t.
Sorry, I don't knw why I had
Sorry, I don't knw why I had 15 stuck in my head!
DON"T LET HIM BE HOMESCHOOLED! Kids like that have failure to launch all over them and if your wife does that he really never will leave!
I know! I’m scared to death
I know! I’m scared to death about it. So I’m the breadwinner in my family, I only work 3 days a week. If I work one extra day that one day will be what my wife makes in a week. So we have been talking about her quitting her job so we don’t have to pay daycare for the baby. Now she thinks it’s a good idea for her to supervise her son while he finishes high school at home. He is very smart, he gets all A’s. Socially he is at the level of a 5 year old. He hides behind his mom, even tho he’s almost taller than her. He won’t make eye contact, he will look at his mom and she will answer for him...
Has he ever been evaluated
Has he ever been evaluated for Autism? Being that far behind socially isn't normal and that is not a COD (child of divorce) thing.
No he hasn’t been but I don’t
No he hasn’t been but I don’t think he is at all. I think he’s just been treated like a baby for so long he’s never been held responsible for anything his whole life. I’m having a hard time because it makes me so freaking mad! And I take it out on him. We were just watching TV for a second and he was sitting next to me fake laughing and being so obnoxious I can’t handle it! It’s all for attention. I don’t know who he is because 75% of everything he does it’s so fake! I ignore it because I don’t want to draw attention to it. I don’t know what to do.
Yeah... that seems to be
Yeah... that seems to be common in a lot of step situations... So here is what I would do in your shoes:
1) Start simple. You want baby Cfreak to have chores at a young/ age appropriate age- for example, at 18 months, they can help pick up toys and put them in the box. Trust me, they can. Therefore at 15 there is no reason that SS isn't doing the dishes at night. Age appropriate chores. There are all kinds of lists on pintrest for this kind of thing. In 3 years he is going to college- He has to learn to do laudry! Lol
2) Step up from there. Dishes and laundry and his bathroom once a week. Maybe throw in yard work help too!
3) Kids thrive on structure. Even teenagers. Keep reminding your wife that she is crippling him by not teaching him to adult. He needs to do all kinds of things that suck. Adulting sucks LOL
4) Stick to your guns. A lot of people on this site disengage. If I disengage from my family, I don't see the point in being married. I can't give up. My SS18 is special needs and he won't ever leave my home.
He will do chores that he
He will do chores that he knows how to do but needs constant supervision because he will purposely do them bad or wrong. He purposefully will take an hour to do a 15 minute chore and complain the whole time to try and get my wife to do it for him.
Eek. Have you talked to your
Eek. Have you talked to your DW about how treating him like a baby won't help him in the long run? Give him things to do, things he can be proud of. Kids need responsibility. When he gets older, I highly doubt he is ever going to proudly say "when I was 13 I acted like a baby and couldn't even wipe my own a*s", as a fond memory. I had to do chores and work, and like you, could cook things and do things for myself. As an adult, I am proud of that.
My SS12 is the same with video games- it's ridiculous. I do take control and teach him to do things on his own. My SO does also, but if he's not around, I show SS. I'll be damned if he grows up not able to do basic things for himself. What does your DW say when you bring this up? (If you haven't brought it up, I would)
I have brought that up too.
I have brought that up too. Before I came along, 3 years ago he didn’t know how to turn on the focet and he wanted to be a professional chef! So I started baking things and cooking things trying to get him to help me and he has ZERO interest in anything besides video games. Now he wants to grow up and be a video game maker.
OMG, your SS is my SS. Of
OMG, your SS is my SS. Of Course, he wants to be a video game designer when he grows up too. This world is so screwed. lol. At least he doesn't talk like a baby and can do some things for himself.
My SO is also the same way, he gets very defensive and takes any input about skids changing their behavior as a criticism of his parenting. It's tough. I told him recently that he HAS to cut me some slack, and trust that I want the best for his kids. Which I do. I also want what's best for our household, which is skids contributing and not just saying "I don't know how". I push him, and if I feel strongly about something they are doing that I don't agree with (snacking all the time, not doing chores, acting like a baby), I stick to my guns and tell him that this is not what's best for them, and it's making me unhappy, so what can we do to change it so it's best for everyone? He wanted skids to like it by us more too, so this summer kind of slacked on making them do their ONE chore every 2 weeks. I told him if he thought that was going to fly with me, he had another thing coming. Not doing chores is not the best thing for them. Teaching them to be responsible is the best thing for them. It took 2-1/2 years, and everything is still not totally figured out, but it is at least 75% better than when I moved in. I had to keep at him and get him to understand my side, but he has come around to my way of thinking on most things.
Good luck, it sucks. Him acting like a helpless baby would drive me crazy.
He does talk baby talk!!! It
He does talk baby talk!!! It makes me sick! It has gotten so much better since I’ve lived with them. He does have chores and he does help but I don’t know how to explain him. I think everything he does is to get attention. He went through this OCD phase where he had to wash his hands all the time which was just for show because he would still use the bathroom and not wash his hands or cough and not cover his mouth. I can’t talk to my wife about it because she just gets so upset and says she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m literally hanging out with my goats right now so I don’t have to listen to his fake laugh and doing stupid shit to get my attention. I sound so mean but I can’t handle it!