So, I have a deadbeat dad of an ExH whom I call Gremlin.

Last week, DS4 spent a few nights at his grandparent's house (Gremlin's parent's house)
Gremlin comes and goes as he pleases, and pretty much only shows his face to our kids when he feels like he misses them enough, and only when they are at his parent's house.

So I show up on Friday to pick up DS4, and he had just woken up from his nap. He's a bit of a grouch when he just wakes up. So I tell him it is time to go, and that we are taking a little trip to the next town over, because mommy has work to do. He starts crying hysterically and says he wants to stay there, because he "didn't see his dad yet"

Ouch. Talk about a knife to the heart. He insisted that his dad had to go and see him, before he would agree to come with me. I explained to him that I didn't know where his daddy was, and he will see him next time he comes over to grandma and papa's. So after some convincing, I tell him to ask his papa to call his dad. (I don't speak to Gremlin because of our past, there is a court order in place that he has to stay away from me and cannot contact me)

So they try calling him. No answer. DS4 freaks out some more. I can see it in his eyes. He's hurting. I can't imagine the pain he is feeling...he's probably feeling abandoned by his dad...that his dad doesn't love him or care for him. I almost start crying but I hold back my tears. I get him, his things, and get in the car and leave.

I start crying as I'm driving away, and my DS is crying in the backseat. I reach back and put my hand on him and tell him I love him. I tell him not to worry. Just because he didn't see his dad, doesn't mean his dad doesn't love him. Then I started naming all of the people who do love him very much.

Since I am on my way out of town, I am supposed to stop in to see My Love (my SO/bf). He is having dinner at his mom's. I call him and tell him to come out and see me in the car. I am in tears. By now, my DS is ok. But the tears are pouring down my face.

I explain to my bf the whole situation, and how I feel about all of it.

I cannot believe my ex doesn't give a shit about our children! Who would abandon and hurt such loveable little innocent boys? (sure, they drive me crazy sometimes, but I love them to death!) lol

Do my boys just sit around at their grandparent's and wait, sitting with hope, that the next car will be their dad pulling in to visit them? Do they often get hurt and disappointed if he doesn't show? I don't know what goes on when they are up there. I don't know how often they see their father.

What disgusts me the most about him is, when we split, he told me he didn't want to see another man raising his kids. And if he did, he wouldn't be around much. I told him I still wanted him to spend time with the boys, even if I were to meet someone else. Then I asked him if he would just let them cry over missing him, if he were to never come around anymore. You know what his response was? :

"They'll cry for me. But they'll get used to it. They'll get used to not seeing me around"

I knew it was a SICK and very shitty response, but I never knew it would be this hard. He still has the power to hurt me, even though we're not together. And my boys suffer in the end. That's not right.

I am greatful I have a new man in my life, who gives my children the guidance of a male- the kinda love and attention they need from a man. I warned my bf before he met my kids- that they will probably get attached to him really fast because of the absence and instability of their father coming around. He's ok with it. He was raised by a SF himself.

I try my best for my boys. But I can't take away the pain they feel towards their dad. And that is what breaks my heart....over and over again.