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O/T kinda - keeping his last name

catsmeow6n8's picture

Submitted by catsmeow6n8 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 9:55am

So after 2 long years, BF finally has divorce papers for BM. It took so long because it upset her feelings to have to deal with the divorce and she didn't want to bring it up in front of the kids. So the papers come in the mail to mine and BFs apartment yesterday and guess what? BM is keeping her last name. She says its 'for the kids' and I know every situation is different but my mom didn't keep my dads last name and none of my girlfriends parents did either. I can somewhat see why, but that is completely overshadowed by how ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED I AM!!!!! Ugh!!!!! Great, I can't wait to marry the man that has already given his name to some LOSER, SCUMBAG, who is KEEPING IT!

I asked him how he felt that she is keeping it he replied with just a blank look on his face and a "weird". So then I ask how does it feel to know there will be two women out there with your last name? And I get nothing. I honestly don't think he even knows how to react.

So here I am again, where I will always be, in a situation where I have absolutely no control and have to deal with it all, in somewhat a poised fashion. :sick:

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:08am

I honestly wouldn't let it bother you. When my ExH and I got divorced I kept his last name for no other reason than I didn't feel like going through all that happy crap that is involved with changing your Driver's License, SS card, credit cards etc. We didn't even have any kids, and also that had been my name for 10 years so that is how I was known for the majority of my career etc, it was just honestly easier to leave it. I STILL have credit cards in my old (married)name and DH and I have been married for 3 years and together for 5... again, I just can't be bothered to change them.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:12am

Look at it this way: I'm sure if you googled people with his last name there are plenty of people you wouldn't want to "share" the name with. Hell, if you google your current last name you'll find some winners who have the same name. Doesn't matter. It's a name.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:21am

I definitely feel your pain on this one! I just married my DH in June of this year and I struggled with this BIG TIME! I was dead set on keeping my last name as I also have a son who has my last name (I never married his father and never gave my son his fathers last name - long story) but the biggest reason for me NOT wanting to take DH's last name was that I didn't EVER want to be tied to and associated with his pos ex and kid, both of which I despise. She has since remarried, but when I saw her FB a time or two she had kept his last name and "claimed" the same that it was for the kid, hmmm thats funny because she has 4 other kids, 3 older than skid and they all have one last name and she got pregnant by another man while still legally married to my DH so that kid has only God knows whose last name... :sick:
She is a complete POS and I soo wish my DH was smart enough NOT to stick his d*** in that gold digging trash but he did so *heavy sigh* here we are, him paying 920.00 a month for the brat and covering BOTH of them on his insurance... Sad I HATE blended family BS!!!! Sad

But I agree with you and TOTALLY understand your disgust! Having the same last name as people you wish didn't exist sucks BIG TIME!!! Sad

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 3:14pm

I wish! There is nothing in their DD that says that BM can get booted off of his insurance if she remarries. We already looked into it. Sad (Believe me I spoke my peace about that idiot move!)

The only way she can get off of his insurance is if she decides to or if the cost of DH's insurance goes up significantly and she refuses to pay for the difference. So of course my DH works for a small company and it would cost his boss an arm and a leg if DH wanted to put me or my son who actually lives with us on his insurance and DH could go on my insurance but skid and bm can't and my company only charges its employees 35.00 a WEEK for a family med/dental plan! So once again courtesy of bm and skid we get fucked financially! Oh joy! Sad

Journey1982's picture

Submitted by Journey1982 on Fri, 08/09/2013 - 6:06pm

I would check the laws on this. I think this is insurance fraud to have the exwife on his "family" plan. She is not family. When you fill out the paperwork for insurance, it normally asks for spouses name and children names. BM is not the spouse. I would contact an attorney to discuss this further. I understand that he has to provide insurance for her, but I believe that would have to be outside coverage such as cobra and the like.

I have a friend who has been "separated" for 15 years. You know why? So she can be covered under his insurance and he can get the tax benefit for being "married". Crazy, but it works for them.

clydella's picture

Submitted by clydella on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:22am

I understand, BM kept DH last name, even though she refused to give it to SD. SD goes by BM's maiden name, yes I know how messed up is that. But in the end all it is, is a name, that's all she has, you have BF, so who's the winner.

msg1986's picture

Submitted by msg1986 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:26am

I can definately see how this would bother you however I would let it go. The most important thing I learned in the Steplife game is to choose your battles. Legally there is nothing you guys can do to make her change her name so you might as well get over it as it's such a small issue.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:40am

BINGO!!!

LadyFace you HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!!

THAT IS WHAT THE REAL ISSUE IS with alot of us SMs!

We finally find the man we want to share our lives with and the kicker to being with said man? We have to deal with a bm (or more than one) and skids! Money going to another woman to spend on whatever the fuck she wants and OUR household has less etc as a result and the list goes on and on and the BEST part??? THERE IS ABSOLUTELTY NOTHING we can do and have NO CONTROL over it! The money going out, the time wasted, etc if we want to stay with the man we love THIS IS THE BULLSHIT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH 24/7!!!!

Living the dream!!!! :sick:

catsmeow6n8's picture

Submitted by catsmeow6n8 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:27am

^^^^^thank you!!!!! I'm not saying I don't understand, I just find it repulsive. Dont you change your name because you are now a union? and now that YOU decided to UP AND LEAVE the union you want to keep the name? BUT like many other trials and tribulations of 'step-life' I just have to 'get over it'

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:33am

To be perfectly honest......it's stinking difficult to change your last name. I jumped through several hoops after my divorce to get my maiden name back. Again....I had no children.

If fact, it was such a huge pain in the ass and I was at a point in my life that I didn't give a crap what anyone thinks, that when I married DH, I kept my maiden name. Blum 3

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:30am

It's just a name and she'll probably remarry and change it then.

Trust me, in the grand scheme of things I honestly hope this is the biggest irritant you'll ever have to deal with being an SM. Smile

You will be okay. Don't let her get to you, concentrate on your BF and enjoy your time together.

FYI - I didn't keep my ex's last name but he was an abusive sonuvabitch and we didn't have children. DH's ex kept his last name until she remarried. At the time Uberskank, DH's kid and Uberskank's other child (not DH's bio) all had DH's last name. She wasn't married to the middle kid's dad when the baby was born. She at least had the courtesy to ask DH before putting his last name on that birth certificate (because it was her last name at the time too).

Later, middle dad was able to get it changed to his last name after he got custody. But for the child's first six years, it had DH's last name. Smile

catsmeow6n8's picture

Submitted by catsmeow6n8 on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:34am

You're right, it could be a lot worse. I really hope that's all I have to deal with but BM is extremely emotionally explosive and I can't see her being 'okay' with us getting married or having kids. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it and ill count my blessings til then. Thank you for your honest and kind response Smile

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 10:33am

She has every right to keep her name...She identifies with it. My DH's ex kept hers and I have not changed mine to his. I want the same last name as my child. Seriously, a name is rather personal. My mom and dad divorced as well and she kept her name. Such a hassle to change your name, I completely understand.

There is no reason for you to get territorial about a name...She had it first...

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 11:01am

I guess I'm the odd duck here, call it petty if you want I WOULD NOT deal with this well.

BM wanted to keep FDH's last name I guess and he asked for "his name" back when they went through the divorce. She went back to her maiden name. FDH and I are getting married- If that POS still had his name A.) I wouldn't change my name or B.) wouldn't get married, idk it's like a respect thing to me or something, I wouldn't like it AT ALL!

It is important to me, no it may not be a huge deal and I understand it's a pain in the ass to switch names. I think it's part of being divorced, the marriage dissolves, the name dissolves. If I got divorced I would NOT want my name associated or tied to him.

Just my 2 cents Wink

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 11:15am

ew, that would be horrifying!!

I used to know a gal who married a guy with the same last name as her first name. That is a time I DEFINITELY would have kept my maiden name or at least hyphenated, but she didn't. So her name was (I'm changing it for privacy purposes of course, but you get the idea) Shannon Shannon.

I think they got divorced, I wonder if she kept that ridiculous name or went back to her maiden name?

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 11:39am

I know a girl who's last name is Semen......LOL Am I immature? hahaha Blum 3

Also a close friend of the family her name is equivalent to Julia Gulia but worse.........

There's a few last names I wouldn't have!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 11:09am

I'd be more personally frightened of THIS: "So after 2 long years, BF finally has divorce papers for BM. It took so long because it upset her feelings to have to deal with the divorce and she didn't want to bring it up in front of the kids."

This one statement is giving me FLASHBACKS! It's the EXACT.SAME.ROAD that Guilty Daddy went down with the Behemoth! OVERLY concerned about the BM's feelings and the kids getting hurt. This, IMHO, gives the almost ALWAYS PASinator BM a two year window to completely POISON the children and to project the "failure of divorce" upon the children, giving them complexes at an early age. Then INSISTING they go to counseling because of the "devastation" of losing a parent.

Yeah well, when you purposely alienate the child(ren) from the other parent, create loyalty conflicts and then point to it and call it "devastation" well there you go. Then start "crowing" about how the other parent "abandoned" the child(ren) and that they now have to go to therapy because of it--dear lord!! Most children are resilient and can deal with a breakup easily as long as the adults are MATURE about it and don't use it as some sort of ego gratification opportunity.

I would be EXTREMELY wary about getting involved with a man who allowed two years to pass "for the sake of the BM and skids feelings" (TM) This is a multi striped, polka dotted MASSIVE red flag he is waving in your face!! Prepare to come DEAD LAST as a priority to him!!

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 2:51pm

Thinkthrice, I agree. I see BF's being overly protective of BM's feelings as a much bigger issue that jumped right out at me, way more than the name issue. Personally I'd bet money BM didn't want to divorce so she could stay on BF's insurance. I don't believe this 'feelings' crap for a minute. But BF seemed to fall for it. And that's a major problem. Plus the fact he was willing to stay married while dating another woman just because BM wanted him to. Wow, what power BM has over BF. That 2 year waiting period will set the tone of the whole relationship.

Honestly OP, I don't think I could have waited two years for my SO to divorce. If all BM has to do is say divorcing me hurts my feelings, and SO complied with her request not to divorce, then that would be a sign that BM still runs the show and SO's not willing to make room for a new woman to be his number one woman.

catsmeow6n8's picture

Submitted by catsmeow6n8 on Sat, 08/10/2013 - 7:27am

I don't want to delve too far into it because I don't want to give away too much personal information but BM has been diagnosed with a life threatening illness. She can NOT work because of this and therefore she had no income & no insurance. They waited until her 'certain-type-of-govt-insurance' to kick in so that they could file without having to redo CS, vis-a-vis without having to take even MORE money out for CS. I have not once agreed with this- whether she is on her deathbed or not. In my honest opinion, SHE LEFT, she took the kids, emptied the house and moved a state away. If she is capable of doing this ON HER OWN then she is capable of getting a divorce. Why the fuck did you leave if you didn't want a divorce? If you thought it would be too hard on the kids? If you have NO income or insurance. WHY?

BF and I have had several disagreements over this. Several fights. Several breakups. Yes we have had a rocky relationship. No it's not perfect. No I'm not wasting my time. No I'm not going anywhere. I know what BF is going through, I've been dealing with it and going through it with him. I'm not always happy about the situation but BF is ALWAYS there to listen to and comfort me when I need it. He has never once ignored my needs or wants or desires or feelings because of his past life.

htracewell's picture

Submitted by htracewell on Thu, 08/08/2013 - 1:42pm

It is not an easy pill to swallow. Sorry that it is upsetting to you. When I divorced my sons father, he MADE me change my last name back to my maiden name because he didn't want two Mrs. XXXX running around. It made it very difficult for me when I was scheduling doctor appts, school stuff etc, but I did it. I was married to my second husband for 15 years and still carry his last name - no children together - but it's the name everyone knows me by and makes it simple - plus it's way cooler than my maiden name. But I don't keep it out of love or yearning. So there is both sides of the coin in my experience. I just kept the name out of laziness and because it's how everyone knows me - and definitely not out of love for my ex...

lovedbyone72's picture

Submitted by lovedbyone72 on Fri, 08/09/2013 - 10:02am

I kept my married name for my kids and to avoid this hassle of changing everything.My so and I are planning on getting married next year, and my kids still want me to keep my old married name. My so's exw is remarried so sharing a name with her isn't the problem. I don't want to share the name with his kid. My kids and I will have the same last name until they turn 18. I don't want the tie to my exh...just to my kids.

notmyfirstrodeo's picture

Submitted by notmyfirstrodeo on Sat, 08/10/2013 - 9:46pm

Keeping the name doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that BM still refers to herself as Mrs. DH. Every child support or medical check I send is made out to Ms. BM DH, just as a reminder, in case her schizophrenic brain has forgotten.