Skids and Loss
DH and I have to rehome our cat. We moved into a much smaller apartment when we relocated a few months back and she is not handling it well. She is understimulated no matter what toys or attention we provide. We have a dog but they ignore each other. We cannot get anymore pets since we are renting an apartment and our lease only permits 2 pets. It has come to a point where she is plucking out her own fur, which the vet said is stress and boredom. So DH and I made the difficult decision to find her a multicat home, which is ultimately what she needs, since she did great when she visited my MIL who has another cat. We found a great family for her and they plan to pick her up later this week.
Not to mention, my grandmother has been hospitalized for about 2 weeks and the doctors are saying that they aren't optimistic she will pull through. She has intestinal issues and has been battling sepsis on and off for years and her body just can't keep fighting anymore. SS is close to my grandma.
My greatest stressor in all of this is how do we tell skid about loss? He is almost 9 and very sensitive to these types of things. At 2 years old, he lost BM's best friend's dad, who he called "Grandpa" to suicide. BM handled that 100% on her own; we didn't even know anyone had died. At 5 years old, while in a restaurant parking lot with us, SS had a complete breakdown over this same "Grandpa" who had died three years prior. He was inconsolable for the whole evening. We comforted him, but ultimately, we didn't know who had died or what was going on because BM handled it 100% on her own without our involvement.
The problem is we see him on a long distance schedule so we know that chances are, any loss that occurs will happen on BM's time. We see SS for spring break in two weeks and we plan to tell SS about the cat then so we can deal with any feelings he has about it, but what about my grandma? If she passes on BM's time, then we will have to tell SS via phone and if he has an emotional reaction, it's not like we can comfort him via phone, and HCBM will have DH's neck for putting her in a position to deal with the emotional fallout of our news. In a normal situation, if SS were here regularly, I would know how to sit him down and handle this but with HCBM and long distance, it's nervewracking, because BM will have to have some level of involvement in my grandma's loss because of SS. And that part irritates me because boundaries. I don't want BM having any involvement in our lives or any news that we have for SS, but unfortunately, given our long distance situation and him living with her, I know she will.
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How long have you had the cat
How long have you had the cat for? How long did it live in the other house before moving to the apartment? Was she part of a multi-cat household before -is this why you assume she will be better off? Did she have a house before or was it an apartment? Was she an indoor/outdoor kitty and now strictly indoors?
The move itself can be very stressful on cats, they don't take well to changing environments, dogs adjust more easily. It could be simply that. How long have you been in the apartment now that she is displaying these issues?
My brothers cat would pluck all it's hair out, they ended up putting him on kitty prozac and it still did it. That said, I've have seen hundreds of cats that do this, all of them were strictly indoor cats. It's the lack of stimulation and fresh air IMO- but a lot of people disagree with indoor/outdoor kitties because of the risks....I get the risks totally but have to weigh quality of life vs quantity IMO. I have two indoor/outdoor cats, my oldest is 16 and just developed diabetes, his only health issue.
I don't have much advise about your grandmother, but sorry to here she is at the end of her journey. Can you wait to tell him until he is with you? Maybe find some books that you can read together that addresses loss.
We have had the cat since she
We have had the cat since she was 4 months old. She is now 3 years old. We have always lived in apartments, but our last one was very large and open concept. We lost about 300 sq. feet when we moved and this apartment is very closed off due to the layout. We moved here 5 months ago.
She has always been behavioral, but it is typically toward furniture and stuff. We took her to the vet, they put her on kitty Prozac and she had a horrible reaction to it so they discontinued use. She has stayed at my MILs house during vacations and we have had other friends with cats watch her for us and they always say she is so good and calm, which is the total opposite of how she is with us. They both said she kept laying and playing with the other cats.
She has always been an indoor cat but she seems to have an interest in being outdoors. We have tried everything to take her outside, from leash training, to a cat backpack that allows her to be outside, to a screened in porch environment. The second she gets outside, it's like she is conflicted and immediately wants back in. She hates concrete and grass, both of them freak her out. I would love to have her be an indoor/outdoor cat, but in our current living situation, it isnt feasible because she doesn't have access to the apartment from the outside so she wouldn't be able to come and go as she pleases. I wish I knew the answer. We have tried every toy, treat, cat tower, etc. possible. I just hate that she is self mutilating now. It's not fair to her.
In the case of my grandma, it feels wrong to withhold that type of information from SS for months and months. Ideally, she would pass in the next two weeks and he would be here so we could process it and grieve with him, but doctors believe she may hold on longer than that. After spring break, we don't see SS for months. How can I say "Grandma died but it was 4 months ago?" Plus I worry about waiting to tell SS because if he wanted to attend the funeral, it would be too late.
This is a hard one,
This is a hard one, personally since it's your family I would wait, but that's because I would not want to HCBM knowing anything about my family or my loss.
And that's what I keep
And that's what I keep debating on. But how do I withhold that type of information for months and months until we see him again. How can I say "Grandma died but it was 4 months ago?" Plus I worry about waiting to tell SS because if he wanted to attend the funeral, it would be too late. SS is very close to my grandma so I don't want to rob him of closure solely to avoid BM knowing about it?
Oh, I didn't realize it was
Oh, I didn't realize it was long distance like that. If that's the case, then you will have to tell him, maybe via zoom or skype? Maybe mail him a book on dealing with grief that him and his dad can read together on these skype calls?
As to the cat, I am of the opinion that those type of cats with behavioral issues typically thrive in being indoor/outdoors. It does take them a while to get used to being outside. Our current calico was afraid at first, I let her approach as she wanted. She was super interested because the other cat and dogs would use the doggy door. I started by putting her in the sunroom, then the deck. THen she learned to use the doggy door on her own. After about a week of her cautiously going out and back in, she would venture to the grass, etc. It was a slow intro but after a couple weeks she was at the fence line and loving it. That said, you don't have that option. Are you going to be there a long time at the apartment? Would you MIL be willing to have her for a period of time until you find a house so then she could return with you?
In the end, sometimes doing what is best for them is so incredibly painful. I always try to encourage people to keep trying to find solutions to keep them with you.
A couple other things to try, ridiculous I know, but what about the stroller cat thing? I'm seriously considering one for our cat so she can come on walks with us and the dogs. She loves riding on stuff (walker I have from my broken leg days) and a wheel barrow outside. Or trying her in the cat backpack and take a 1 min walk, then 2, then increase gradually. She may very well learn to love it and enjoy the fresh air and walks-which would be very visually stimulating.
We are going to be in this
We are going to be in this apartment for several years. We are saving up for a house. MIL would love to take her, but FIL won't let her. He didnt want the cat they have now.
I can try the stroller thing. Maybe that would work for her. It's so weird because she wants to be outside, but then you get her outside and she wants right back in. I'm just at a loss. If we were in a house it would be easier for her to be indoor/outdoor but being on the 3rd floor of an apartment doesn't grant her that luxury. Maybe the stroller thing would work for her.
Try baby steps- let her get
Try baby steps- let her get used to being in the stroller with it in the house. Let her approach it on her own. Sniff it, get used to seeing it in different rooms, then open it for her to jump in. You can put treats and/or cat nip, let her start napping in it. Then stroll her around the apartment for a few mins so she gets used to the movement of it. Once she is used to that -and that will be a few weeks of entertainment for her also-then try it outside but just for a brief walk and then back in. Try it again the next day, extending the time slowly. Pretty soon I bet she will be jumping in it and insisting on her rides. This way you could keep her with you. It's super stimulating. What kind of toys does she have? There are some that are VERY liked by cats, involving moving mice, etc. I've seen those cylinders that work like a hamster wheel?
We have automatic laser
We have automatic laser pointers, 72" cat climbing towers, suction cup activities that hook on our sliding door. We have catnip mouse toys, hair ties which she loves most, automatic mice toys, cardboard cat houses, etc. We have so many and have tried so many things.
I would discontinue the
I would discontinue the lasers immediately. It causes them to become neurotic. Some say that's only for dogs but other research shows differently. Sounds like she has plenty to stay stimulated, I agree. It could be that she's happier in a multi-cat household. That said, the decision is never easy. A really tough spot. Or you could hire the cat guy. Jackson Galaxy lol
Honestly - I think you have
Honestly - I think you have to wait to tell him during the summer visitation. There is exactly zero chance that BM would allow him attend the funeral, or at least not without her coming along too, which you shouldn't have to deal with while grieving. And he's 9 - funerals aren't meaningful to 9-year-olds, anyway.
I say wait until summer and then plan a special memorial service for her that he can be part of (just you, DH and him).
Thank you Tog. I like the
Thank you Tog. I like the idea of having our own memorial service when SS is here. You're right. I don't want to deal with BM at a funeral or BM's drama surrounding my grandma's death.
Yes. You know she will say he
Yes. You know she will say he can come, and then make you wait an hour to get him, and then cancel him coming entirely - or show up and act like a grieving relative - or whatever her particular high conflict style is.
She is big on saying SS can
She is big on saying SS can come and then canceling at the last minute or picking up really early to cause disruption. She is also big on coming with SS to "supervise" and then later making false allegations against family members. She hates all of our family members on both DH's side and my side because she can't acknowledge that she isn't SS' only family.
She did this at our wedding. The courts ordered BM attend our wedding to "supervise" SS after she falsely accused my BIL (who she never met) of sexual assault. So she attended our wedding, was on her best behavior, and then 8 months later, told DH that BIL sexually assaulted SS at the wedding... DH's attorney had a field day pointing out all the flaws in her allegations and she later dropped the allegations, but not without putting everyone through hell first. I won't let her anywhere near our families.
In these high-conflict
In these high-conflict situations, put yourself first. Your grief over YOUR Grandma is more important than SS's feelings and needs.
I'm having the same issue with DD6, sort of
Our dog passed in July. He was 18 years old. His eye was bulging out. The vet removed his eye. He said he was in great pain and it had to go and he was strong enough for the surgery but he passed the next day. DD6 didn't seem all that close to the dog but she talks about him all the time. I told her about the rainbow bridge and that she would see him again one day when she died and went to Heaven.
Well, I got a call from the school counselor. DD6 told a friend in afterschool that she wanted to die. That friend told her mom. That mom called the school. DD6 was sent to the school counselor who questioned her at length and then called me. She said DD6 said she wanted to see her dog again and that she missed him and would see him again when she dies and so she wants to die.
Fast forward to last Sunday. DD12 and her friend are in the front yard playing together and dd6 is with them. They say DD6 tries to run in front of a car in the street and says she wants to die to go see her dog.
Uh oh. DD6 is grounded and isn't allowed to play outside. I lectured her and yelled at her and she locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't speak to me for two days.
Then her grandmother on her dad's side was airlifted to the hospital with a torn aorta. I thought, "Oh no. THis can't be happening. She CAN NOT lose her grandmother right now. She will not take it ok." Her grandmother did get released from the hospital today but she is 85 years old.
Part of me thinks DD6 is wanting attention. I notice when DD16 is over with other highschool girls and they are talking, dd6 will pipe up with, "MY DOG DIED!" and they all go "OH NO! YOu POOR BABY!" And give her hugs like it just happened two days ago.
I'm sorry this happened to
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like it was very stressful. I'm not concerned about SS seeking attention through dangerous behavior, I'm just worried about him needing an outlet to express his feelings of grief and loss and not having one with BM, because she will not tolerate our "drama" infiltrating her life. I think we will wait until summer to tell SS so we can help SS process his feelings. I'm fine if he tells BM that my grandma died, I just don't want her to make it all about her in the moment, which she tends to do. We have had experiences in the past where she yelled at DH for telling SS minor news about our family and then "putting BM in a position" to deal with SS' reaction to whatever we told him. She was trying to make it about her, making it seem like it was such an inconvenience to support SS and like we dropped a bomb. So we stopped telling SS news. Like tog said, I can totally see her trying to show up to the funeral to make it about her and quite frankly, I can't deal with that level of petty right now.
Yikes, this is very scary. I
Yikes, this is very scary. I would actually look into this more with a therapist. That is very unusual for a child her age. Attention seeking or not it's very dangerous and concerning. I'm not a typical therapy pusher for kids because I think most times regular good old standard parenting will help most kids out of most issues and therapy is often overdone for young children-but in this case I think I would look into it further.
Wait until SS is back with you
explain that this is information you share in person not over the phone or text.
Take it from experience...Beaver told GWR and SD that their cat had to be put sleep while they were at our house so she could avoid the fallout. IT SUCKED.....and left us in a awkward spot. Don't let BM spin this into awhole new level of....you dad couldn't wait to tell you..he just had to tell you here so it would upset you and me....oh poor baby MOOMMMMMYYY will make it all bettttteerrrr....
I would wait until SS is back
I would wait until SS is back with you as well. When we found out our dog was dying in early November BM used that as a way to get into our house while we weren't home(she put SD on the spot by asking her if she can come in) to "seeee the dyinnnnggggg dogggggg." I blogged about this. I thought my head was going to spin off in angry.
HCBMs use anything and everything to their advantage to create drama. It doesn't matter what it is they will use it. It will cause you much grief by telling him now (because you know it will follow with drama) when it's suppose to be your time for grieving.