Gifted and Talented
So I've addressed this on the blog before. BM, while completely narcissistic, is actually very smart. I'm talking book smart only, but absolutely zero street smarts. BM is extremely calculated and manipulative in her personal life and is always 5 steps ahead, which has been obvious in her coparenting relationship with DH and our court battle. BM graduated with a 4.6 GPA in high school, purposely throwing off a final exam to prevent herself from being valedictorian so she wouldn't have to give a speech, but she wouldn't know that license plate tabs have to be renewed or that "The Great Lakes State" (her old state) is surrounded by water on 3 sides (this actually happened)... You guys get where I'm going with this. Anyway, BM's parents (both adjunct professors) used to brag to me and DH about how BM scored around 160 on several IQ tests during adolescence... For reference, Stephen Hawking and Bill Gates have an IQ of 160. I don't believe BM has an IQ of 160, but I won't deny she is smart. BM has always viewed IQ and intelligence as a status symbol and belittles people of average intelligence. DH and I have always valued education, but we fully believe in trying your best; if you try your best, that is all we can ask and that is always good enough. DH and I are of average intelligence and did well in school with studying.
Based on this information, SS9, of course, must be "gifted" because if not, it reflects poorly on BM... typical narcissistic thinking. When SS was 6, BM had him tested for "giftedness;" SS did not qualify and was deemed average. It was at this point that BM had him diagnosed with ADHD by the pediatrician, because heaven forbid SS was average. BM then wanted DH to pay $800 for BM and GF to attend a parenting class/seminar for "parenting/raising special needs children," which of course, DH refused. SS has always been extremely bright and all of his standardized testing indicates "above average," but he has never qualified as "gifted." BM has gotten SS tested every year since he was 6 and every year, he doesn't pass. SS told DH that math and English come really easily to him, but SS still finds his current grade challenging. It is clear to DH and I, that while SS is very smart, he doesn't need to skip a grade or anything like that. SS is still learning new things at grade level.
Well tonight, BM emailed DH. There was no actual message in the body of the email, just three images of a test results report and a flyer about "giftedness." DH looked at the report. To be considered "gifted," SS had to score 128 or higher on this school administered test... he scored 132. SS9 is "gifted" by a whopping 4 points. DH was like "Well there ya have it BM, finally he has the label of 'gifted'." DH rolled his eyes. The flyer specifically states: do not use these results to label your child, rather, use it to better support their academic endeavors. DH goes "Too late. BM is already happy dancing over that label." DH knows that nobody will hear the end of SS' excellence. BM is surely screaming it from the rooftops. The question is: what will BM do with this information and how much will it cost us? DH has already told me that he is not paying for special schooling for SS. SS is in an excellent, top rated public school district and he can be supported and challenged in that environment no problem. DH just responded "Thank you for the update" to BM's email. He is not giving any attention to SS' "excellence."
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Insecure
BM sounds I secure. I'm glad your SS is doing well in a good school district. That's the important thing. She sounds very anmoying. This is another version of the mom who builds up and only validates her daughter's beauty.
To BM, SS is an extention of
To BM, SS is an extention of BM so therefore he has to be the best or she believes it reflects poorly on her. BM expects him to be the best athlete, the most intelligent, etc. It's narcissism at its finest. DH and I just want SS to be happy, healthy, and well-rounded.
This sounds like my ex. He
This sounds like my ex. He always preens over compliments on our kid's intelligence and pushed to have him tested for gifted since kindergarten. My ex's mom still brags about her boys being gifted, but like why are you proud your kids peaked in elementary school??
A former coworker was like that
A former coworker was like that. Her son wasn't over-the-top intelligent, so she had all kinds of testing done to label him "on the spectrum." She pushed for him to be in special ed, even though the school constantly said he didn't need it. If she couldn't get attention for having a genius, she would get it for having a special needs child. Constantly reminding people he was special needs. He seemed like just a regular kid, maybe a little awkward.
The funny thing is, BM fought
The funny thing is, BM fought DH so hard about the ADHD. DH told BM that SS didn't have it, because he doesn't, and DH requested additional testing and a second opinion to confirm the diagnosis. BM refused and blew the whole ADHD thing so far out of proportion. ADHD is listed on SS' academic forms and all of SS' teachers have been informed of the diagnosis, but SS has never been medicated for it, nor does he have an IEP or 504 at school. Ever since SS' standardized testing has indicated "above average," which he has scored since he was 7 or 8, we have heard crickets about SS' ADHD... so now that he's "gifted," we are supposed to forget the ADHD diagnosis? SS no longer has it even though BM fought for years claiming he did? You are absolutely right, SS either needed to be gifted or he needed to have special needs, just to make sure BM could get attention for it. Average is unacceptable.
I work in education and have
I work in education and have seen a lot of these parents. They get tutors for their kindergarteners to prepare for the test. They have their kids take the test repeatedly until they pass and then their kids struggle in the gifted program and they look for excuses. If your BM knows anything about the education system, she will have your SS declared "twice exceptional" (gifted and special education) and depending on your state, demand be receive special services for both. Some states don't provide gifted education services. She will also get him a 504 plan, so he can get accommodations for his ADHD, including unlimited time on assessments and then he'll be able to retain his gifted status.
BM here is smart too. It
BM here is smart too. It sucks. She was so clever and manipulative about the court stuff and alienation. Though she never tried to get SS declared gifted, that would have meant she'd have to pay attention to his homework. DH is smart, too, and SS is as well. SS started school early and remained a grade ahead until high school, when his lack of effort caught up to him. Sadly, I think he IS ADHD but as far as I know, that was never diagnosed. BM only wanted to have sympathy for being a victim, not praise for having a smart kid.
This crap burns my biscuit,
This crap burns my biscuit, probably because we had to deal with this with ET. OSS is very book smart - school comes easy to him, and with a moderate amount of effort on his part, he graduated HS with over a 4.0 and an Associate's Degree-worth of college credits. He's an intelligent kid, and ET BATHED in the glory of having this super smart, talented, gifted son in all the advanced programs ever.
YSS is equally intelligent. Read at a HS reading level in elementary school, scored exceptionally high on standarized testing, and qualified for the same gifted program that OSS did. He even was enrolled in those same programs from elementary school through the first semester of freshman year. BUT - YSS struggled. School does not come naturally to him like it does OSS, and frankly he thinks most of the work is stupid and doesn't help him learn the subject. He gets nearly straight A's on every test and in-school assignment. He knows the material, but he doesn't want to "perform" for a grade. So out of the gifted program he goes because he can't pass the classes due to the level of work they want, and there's no pay off for doing it if YSS is only going to fail.
I give all that backstory, JJ, because I think your SS will either become a burnt-out gifted and talented kid by the time he's 18 and struggle/fail in college OR he'll fail out of the school's gifted program because he'll recognize there is limited benefit in those programs for kids who are just going to struggle through it. Maybe he'll succeed, but I've already watched two kids whose BM felt her kids' intelligence and status was more important than their mental health so I have little faith that will happen.
If you haven't already, you need to have a chat with your DH about how you'd feel about a damaged SS being left on your doorstep one day. Not anytime in the near future, but BM is setting up a house of cards that I think your SS is going to topple over. When he does that, I can see your BM throwing up her hands and being done. That's, of course, not how she'll portray the situation, but eventually he'll be too different and she'll see him as a betrayer. Just be prepared for that.
DH and I have already
DH and I have already discussed the possibility of a screwed up SS falling on our doorstep. I think SS will make it through HS, but the burn out will occur after, when he is either in college or on his own and BM's daily expectation of perfection and success isn't as present. SS doesn't know how to make choices without BM's approval, so when he is forced to think for himself, he either can't make a decision or crumbles under the pressure.
We want SS to be happy and healthy, doing whatever fulfills him. He knows that is all we want for him and he has told us that he recognizes that. I definitely have concerns about how BM will impact SS' mental health as he grows older.
The indecisiveness is
The indecisiveness is crippling. I remember taking OSS shopping to buy stuff for his dorm room, and he struggled so much with picking out things. Even basic stuff like soap scent was challenging. All of a sudden, he had the freedom to get whatever he wanted and didn't have a clue as to what that was.
Now that both SSs are out from under ET, they're blooming in their personalities. Every time OSS visits, he tells us something new he's into. Every week or so, YSS has something he wants to try or investigate. It's great to see happen, but so painful watching them get there.
I really hope your SS is strong-willed and takes after your DH versus BM.
Effort and Emotional
Effort and Emotional Intelligence are stronger indicators of success in life.
I completely agree!
I completely agree!
I agree.
Teach a child perseverance, and IQ doesn't matter so much. Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers is a great read on what makes people successful. Hint: it's not IQ.
I was in the gifted program at my elementary school and took all AP classes in high school. But I must admit, by the end of grade 11 I was burnt out and felt unsupported. Thankfully, I was able to recharge over that summer. My parents were proud of my intelligence, but they also assumed I didn't need any support and instead put all their energies into trying to wrangle my delinquent older sister. Gifted children still need guidance, down time, and opportunities to develop social skills. I was not yet 18 when I started college, and probably one of the dumbest freshmen in terms of savvy and social skills.