Next visitation planning starts now !
For the one who followed my story, i'm now stucked with a crappy dynsfunctional dynamic.
My SS is completely alienated by ILs (especially MIL and SIL as FIL left far away many years ago). Everything started to collapse with our baby boy birth. MIL (and SIL who is a crazy one too) never accepted that DH had another baby. They concentrated all their energy trying to destroy our family. Because things didn't go the way they want, they utlimately used SS to settle theirs accounts.
SS is completly under their control, and starts lying about the way we treat him. For now, it started by his father, but for sure i will be the next target.
So ! SS is supposed to spend the summer with us (2 months). The only fact to imagine him in our house was making me really anxious. To be more peaceful, i decided to settle an action plan :
1/ Material resources :
I decided to equip the house with surveillance camera in every public rooms (kitchen, livingroom, corridor etc..). I will never go to a room which is not equipped with SS.
The camera will hard record (not only live recording) and we will be able to review all the records.
2/ Welcoming :
I definetely know SS is completely disturbed and that he is suffering. However i think it can be important to structure his stay with limits and boundaries :
- Before coming, DH will explain to him there is no option to shorten the stay.
- Since he used his phone to create drama, he won't be allowed to use it all day. Only 30 minutes at the end of the day to call friends or family. If BM wants to talk to him she could call DH phone. If his behaviour is exemplary during 1 week, he will be rewarded of 30 additional minutes. If he uses his phone to create new drama, he will be deprived from it during all his stay.
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Starting documenting everything
Hi winterglow !
Thanks for your intervention !
Since the big drama i have documented that :
- dated doctor certificate where is written that SS9 suffer from a severe bronchitis (he spent many days to MIL before coming to our home, and MIL didn't send him to the doctor saying it's just a cold).
- dated medication order and payment
- copies of screen times when he is at MIL (average 10 hours a day ! Max 14 hours !)
- recording of phone calls between MIL and I, and SIL and I (DH asked me to talk to them trying to figured out what's the problem with me. MIL said it was because she though i sent a menacing look on the street and she appologied for the wrong interpretation. SIL said it was because i called his baby son "the baby" in a text instead of calling him by his name)
- the copy of proof that MIL and SIL deleted messages they sent to SS when he was at our home
Is that enought ? What do you mean by documenting everything ?
Many thanks
Your MIL and SIL
are total losers but then again you knew that. What a pack of malicious bitches! Glad Chef's family for the most part never contacts us (unless they want something for free)
Document anything and
Document anything and everything that might just be useful. Every time SS lies about you or your DH, make sure you note where he is at the time (MIL's, BM's, etc), remarks from your MIL such as "call me or text me everytime it's necessary, i will be here to protect you", dates, times, screen shots, recordings (are they legal in France?), yoiu never know what you'll need.
Can anyone chime in with better advice? I'm pretty sure some of you ladies know way more than I do about this.
Yes i will note everything on
Yes i will note everything on a journal. Date/Times and everything + every evidence i can find.
Phone recording are illegals, but i will use them just in case they accuse me of saying things. You can use phone records only to protect yourself if you are attacked
Adding a new rule
Thanks to you all, we have decided to add a new rule at our home : not allowed to call/text all the ILs during SS visitation time.
It's quite obvious after all.
DH agreed with the idea !
Great! Let us know how things
Great! Let us know how things go. Best of luck!
Glad you and dh have made the
Glad you and dh have made the decision of NO talking to them during DH's time.
IF bm want her son to talk to them on her time...that is totally up to her.
Now, having some experience in this area unfortunately, expect everyone who knows these kooks to start calling your house. SIL, MIL, neighbors, extended family you dont know, even people from their churches. ---
Remember BM can allow ss to spend 12hours a day making calls to them IF she wants to when he is with her.
Your house, your rules. You can also block these people too.
Thanks Thrumper,
Thanks Thrumper,
Don't worry, MIL, SIL and all the family members are already phone blocked. DH cut ties after the april big drama. Either do I !
And i remember, our house, our rules !
Dissenting Opinion
Caroline, I was reading this for some back story (trying to figure out how you "broke" a gaming station), so I apologize for jumping onto an old string, but I have a thought on this.
If you cut off all contact with the ILs, you leave them nothing to gain, nothing to lose. They'll paint you as the enemy and not have any reason to try to change. If you give them supervised access, they'll have to play nice, and MAY even figure out eventually that you're not the enemy they think you are. There's no guarantee of course, with BM happy to facilitate there's not a lot of incentive. But if you draw a hard line on this, then BM will justify her stance by saying she's their ONLY method of contact, so she just has to allow them unsupervised access. And the grandparents will assume the victim mode and double down on their narrative that you two are so awful, blah blah blah.
I would have a chat with SS that says you believe he should be allowed to love everybody. He should love you and want to spend time with you three. And he should love his BM. AND he should love his grandparents. AND they should all be nice and get along. People should only say loving things. So you will NOT cut him off from his grandparents as long as they're being kind and loving and good to him. Then allow him a phone call, on speaker, well supervised. And put your ILs on notice that you will be listening to ensure they are being good grandparents. Correct them on the spot if they start slipping into bad mouthing.
If the call goes well, you can arrange another. If that call goes well you can arrange a visit (but not at your house. Somewhere where you can pack everyone up and leave if it goes sideways).
DH and I had to do this with BM. She bad mouthed DH and I non stop. DH and I corrected anything that was false, but never bad mouthed her back. We could have. But we just ensured the lies were corrected, and let our house be the safe house. In the end, they got so sick of hearing people at her house bad mouthing half of their family that it backfired on her!
Just a different opinon for thought. If you leave them nothing to lose, they have no reason to change. And you can't get upset with them for alienating SS, if your first reaction is to alienate right back. Don't teach him that people can be cut out of your life (because you don't want him to cut you two out of his when he's older). Teach him that actions have consequences, but that you and DH always start in a place of love.
I'm going to disagree.
I'm going to disagree. Granted, I may not know her enitre visitation situation, but if they only get him 2 months in the summer, there is absolutely NO reason he has to maintain contact with the grandparents/aunt for that period of time. The kid isn't being alienated, he's there to bond and spend time w/his dad. The grandparents have 10 months of the year to trash talk this man to the kid. No reason they need to be given any chances to infect their poison for that short period of time.
Here is my concern, even if he's on speaker and they ensure the inlaws don't say anything bad- the damage they do is already imprinted in this kid. A simple call, even if nothing is said, can be enough to trigger a subconcious reaction in the kid to reject his dad, the kid may remember things they said just by talking to them. IMO kids that are w/the other parent should be 100pct free of influence from the other parent AND extended family. I understand he can't go 2 months w/out speaking to BM, but I personally wouldn't allow more then a call once a week with BM -not sure what's in the court order.
I think it's important for a NCP parent and kid to bond w/out interference or making kid think of mom, miss them, be reminded, think of grandparents. When my kids were w/their dad I NEVER called. Granted he barely ever had thim (his choice) - there was a time they started calling me to complain about things but I put an end to that and told them it was their dads time and they needed to resolve it with their dad.
I'm going to disagree.
I'm going to disagree. Granted, I may not know her enitre visitation situation, but if they only get him 2 months in the summer, there is absolutely NO reason he has to maintain contact with the grandparents/aunt for that period of time. The kid isn't being alienated, he's there to bond and spend time w/his dad. The grandparents have 10 months of the year to trash talk this man to the kid. No reason they need to be given any chances to infect their poison for that short period of time.
Here is my concern, even if he's on speaker and they ensure the inlaws don't say anything bad- the damage they do is already imprinted in this kid. A simple call, even if nothing is said, can be enough to trigger a subconcious reaction in the kid to reject his dad, the kid may remember things they said just by talking to them. IMO kids that are w/the other parent should be 100pct free of influence from the other parent AND extended family. I understand he can't go 2 months w/out speaking to BM, but I personally wouldn't allow more then a call once a week with BM -not sure what's in the court order.
I think it's important for a NCP parent and kid to bond w/out interference or making kid think of mom, miss them, be reminded, think of grandparents. When my kids were w/their dad I NEVER called. Granted he barely ever had thim (his choice) - there was a time they started calling me to complain about things but I put an end to that and told them it was their dads time and they needed to resolve it with their dad.
They can have time with SS
They can have time with SS when there are family get-togethers, DH is present, and they demonstrate that they can respect his relationship with his father and stepmother. There is zero need for them to be contacting him all weekend while he's at his fathers to talk trash to him about them.
These people aren't going to change, this is how they are wired.