I don't know what to think of it anymore !!
Hey all of you ! I am new to this blog but so happy I found it. from what I've read so far a lot of you have the same situation as me. I'm a mom of 3 and stepmom of 2 who live with their BM. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7.You would think that after 9 years his ex would back off and leave us alone; she'a always calling for money and whenever she feels like it (that's what it looks like to me)my husband used to say that he won't answer her calls 'cause she's annoying him. For about 3 months now I've noticed that he does answer her calls and deletes them later (how do I know? I check his cell today and see the calls and all of a sudden tomorrow they're deleted) when I confront him he says he deletes them 'cause he knows I get mad at him.If it was something just about the kids why would he delete them?? he says everything he does, he does for his kids. he practically has his ex on a silver (make that platinum!!) platter just so she gets her way with everything so she won't get mad at him 'cause than she won't let him see his kids.My DH knows how I feel about the situation but still won't change.When we first got married and he would pick up his kids at her house (with my car)he would drop me off at the corner 'cause if she sees me she gets mad (for no reason;she just doesn't like me) and won't let him take the kids.I told him I'm his wife and has every right to be there with him;he finally stopped doing that.now he still prefers me getting mad at him for having so much contact with his ex (almost every day) as long as the ex gets her way and doesn't get mad.I told him that he has to tell her to only call when it's important or really urgent (about school or sickness)but not everyday.but so far nothing..
Any advice about his behaviour and what I should do?
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BOUNDARIES
Does your DH now meet BM at a more neutral location? My DH had all sorts of problems when he'd go to BM's to get the SDs for EOW visitation. She flat-out refused to meet him anywhere neutral for a SDs exchange to take place. I didn't go along for the ride if I could avoid it because she'd start abusing me too. In a lot of ways, I really admire you for having the bravery to go along with your DH to get the kids! If your DH doesn't have a court order, he should get one. BM could go to jail, lose custody, or have to pay DH's legal fees if she withholds visitation. I would recommend that your DH get a court order, and have his attorney write BM a nice letter detailing the possible consequences if she withholds visitation or doesn't follow the court order. If she sees you in the car and decides to behave like a toddler, he can pull out the court order and call the police if necessary. However, I do think your not going would allow DH some good quality time with the kids. Even if you do decide to go along for the ride, please do give them each some quality time with their dad.
You're certainly right that BM is calling DH waaaaaay too much and there need to be some boundaries enforced. Email is a godsend in more ways than one. Maybe they could exchange emails once a week, come to an agreed time for both of them to call the skids when the skids are at the other parent's house, and agree to call each other only in urgent situations. You should consider having DH help you draw up a list of circumstances under which she can call you, and a list of other stuff they can exchange a weekly email about. That way, he can tell her exactly what she can call about, and what they will be emailing about. My DH usually sends BM a weekly email every Friday letting her know about what's going on with the SDs now that we have custody. He loves it because he doesn't have to hear her pathetic voice but is still being courteous by keeping her in the loop regarding the SDs. However, it is BM who chooses to be a bad mom and not participate in or care about her daughters and their lives. I'm just happy for them that they finally DO live with a parent who loves them tremendously and is going to do the right thing by them.
If he is putting the EX above you, his WIFE, he needs to get his balls back from her purse and the two of you might benefit from marriage counseling. Even if he doesn't go, you should really really consider getting some for yourself because a counselor can give you great tips on how to deal with his behavior. You might want to consider getting some for your skids too. Speaking from experience, I can guarantee your skids would benefit from counseling too. It has helped my SDs a great deal in un-poisoning them against their dad, helping them to see BM for what she really is (an AWFUL mom), and to become much happier, better people.
Welcome!
I'm glad that you are here.
But honey I have to be honest. That type of behaviour happend for the first six months of my relationship. I don't know how you've hung on for 9 years.
He seems to care more about what she thinks than you.
I wouldn't be able to put up with that. I would have to have a come to Jesus talk with him. And if it didn't stop he would be getting divorced.
You shouldn't have to follow up behind him to see if he's talking to her. You should be able to ask and him answer. Not try to hide it. If he's hiding it, something is there.
I know there must be something..just gotta find out what
Hi !!
Again I checked his phone and he deleted her calls from yesterday ( I don't even like to spy anymore but it's my only way to find out anything)I'm thinking about getting a divorce and not telling him about it till all the paperwork is ready to sign.Every time I confront him he says there's nothing between him and the BM; but why delete the calls, put the cell on silene??? Why, why,why I just can't seem to find out the answer.Any other suggestions? What did you do? I've hung on for 9 years 'cause of my kids but I'm very sorry for them;I don't want to be selfish but I can't go on like this not even for them. I think that if I'm happy they'll be happy too..
I think he told you why he
I think he told you why he deletes them, flat out. He said because you get mad. He's a man, his solution to that would be to delete them so you don't see them, instead of your solution in not answering them.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Do not just accept this
First of all, how old are his children. Second, he needs to worry about how you feel, not someone he is divorced from. It sounds like some rules and boundaries need to be set re. his contact with BM.
If he refuses to do this, be ready to walk! as that is the only way he will take you seriously. It seems like he is not taking you seriously, is there any reason for this you can think of? We need more info!
BTW, Welcome and glad you are here
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Hi there! Here's some more
Hi there!
Here's some more info.. My son is 13 and my daughters are 10 and 6 (only the 6 yr old is from my husband;the other two are from my previous relationship.BTW an ex who my DH never had to deal with 'cause that guy never comes around to see his kids) My DH's kids are 13/son and 10/daughter.
I've yet to find out why DH is not taking me seriously. Last time this whole issue came up I treatened him with divorce and for sure...then came all the tears and sorries !! I gave him another chance but he's back at it again and gets mad at me when I complain about all that communication with the BM.I am thinking about divorcing him and only telling him when all the paperwork is ready to sign 'cause I think when he know's what I'm doing he'll come with all these false promises again.I'm not only doing it because of all this sh*t with the BM but also 'cause he won't help me financially. He got mad when I told him he has to get a job to help pay the bills. Now he has had a job for 4 months (before that he just worked here and there; nothing steady) Whenever I ask him for money he gets mad and throws me some money.Let's say the bills are a total of $1200/month he only contributes with $200/month. I don't know what the heck he does with the rest of his money; he's ALWAYS broke. (at this job he doesn't get a payslip and receives the money cash so I never know how much he gets paid)I am just so fed-up with all this sh*t. I want to start living a life !!!
Whoa
Hmm, this is getting worse! Why does he feel he does not have to work, and why does he work under the table? Is it possible he is having an 'affair' of sorts w/BM and that is where his money goes?? not to start anything but it immediately crossed my mind. I am so sorry honey, this is so not fair to you!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
RED FLAG
Did you see it waiving? I see it from here.
No money, no job until you force him, phone calls that aren't supposed to be taking place, putting her before you, 9 years later mind you, etc.
Run, Run, Run as fast as you can.....just like the gingerbread man!!!
Some
people hire a private investigator i know they are expensive i think but maybe check into it.It sounds to me like he is hiding something.But maybe not.If i was in your situation i would honestly have a friend that you trust and he doesnt know follow him.Does that sound to harsh?9 years is a long time so dont wait any longer to try and find out what is going on.If there is something then dont waste years of your life.I wouldnt say anything to him about divorce right know i would look for some concrete evidence that something is going on.That is something i would personally do myself i hope that you all dont think i am a paranoid person.I think that you have the right to know what is going on in you and dh life.And if he is not being truthful to you and you feel that he is up to no good then by all means do what you need to do for your own sanity.
Oh the sneaky phone calls.....
C - first of all welcome! I went through this same thing with FH with phone calls and yes he did the same thing - he deleted them as well. Same story - March of last year I found that the BM was calling pretty much every day, several times a day for a child that was 15! Granted they have been broken up since the BM was a couple of months pregnant with SD. So I confronted my FH and he said that he would have a talk with her and he would take care of it so I dropped the matter. Come July he left his verizon bill open on the computer and I of course looked at it and the calls where still 40 to 50 a mth - pretty much from her calling. He probably called her back about 4 times - and to top that off he was PAYING for her cell phone. We almost broke up over that. He shut off her phone and we have been in counseling ever since. He set up boundaries with BM months ago and haven't heard a peep out of her. Email is the way to go period. Unless there is an emergency or drop off pick up negotiations then of course that warrants a phone call. Other than that there is no need for daily communications. The issues that you are having with you DH and money I don't even know what to say...you are going to have to be the judge on how much you want to put up with.
not fair
I'm not sure that he's deleting the messages because he's trying to hide something, but to be blunt, he's being a wimp! He isn't standing up to his ex and he's trying to hide things to avoid confrontations with you. Sounds like he's trying to please everyone all the time, which unfortunately isn't possible in a situation like this. You and your husband need to sit down and decide how to handle things in your house that will make you BOTH comfortable and then he needs to let his ex know that this is how it's going to be from now on. He should not be sneaking around to talk to his ex, and he should also not be bending over backwards and offending YOU to keep HER comfortable. The ex needs to accept that you are in his life and that you have rights. I can't believe it's been this way for you for so long! You definitely need to communicate to your husband what your needs are and see to it that they are met. This situation he's created is flat out NOT FAIR.