You are not a whiner. You are being forced to deal with a situation that you do not like and are not happy with. I hope this board becomes helpful to you.

Honey, think of it this way. If your husband said to you "I don't want you to have XYZ for your maid of honour because it is MY wedding." ... how would you feel?
See, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have been a bride in that wedding. It sort of gets me annoyed when brides talk about it being all about THEM on THEIR day. It isn't YOUR day. It was the day for BOTH of you to join your lives together which included a new SD. YOUR day would be YOUR birthday. And at which time you can choose to invite anyone you want to invite. But this wasn't. This was a day 2 people became one household and part of what he brought to the marriage is his daughter.

Now I do not think you should have driven 45 mins to get her for the shower for her half sibling. He should have driven her there and back.

I know this all seems difficult but this girl was in the picture from the beginning. Would you want your husband to neglect his other child for yours? If he can neglect one and pretend she doesn't exist he may end up doing the same thing to you and your baby.

If you include other family members (aunts and cousins and sister-in-laws)from your families it is unfair to exclude her because she had the misfortune to be born first and by a different mother. Her father could have taken care of her or another relative. You don't say how old she is but I am sure she is old enough to feel your rejection of her. Treating her like she doesn't exist is cruel and unfair. Hifding in your room is delaying the time when you need to adult-up and work out how this will all work in the future.

See, your DH has a relationship with his daughter. Ans if you choose to have a relationship with her or not, you face the consequences of your choice. I would have not married my DH if I had an inkling he had no acceptance of my 4 children. I would not have married him either if I had no inkling of acceptance for his 2 sons. It is unfair to make someone choose between families.

I really think you need to either accept this child as being part of your world (and it isn't even her fault she is there) and workk out a way that makes it work for you or walk away from the marriage. And if you walk away from the marriage it would behove you to remember some other woman may treat your child the same way if your DH chose to remarry.

I would certainly not expect you to love this child like your own because she isn't. Some people can do this, I can't. I love my YSS in my own way but not like my own kids. I would never expect my DH to 'love' my kids like his own because they aren't his. He has only been in their lives for 8 years and the youngest is now 19.

Maybe first start with watching a DVD with her and sharing popcorn. Then you don't have to talk much. Something that doesn't include your DH. She may be a big help with the baby arrives and always remember, she may be the only one who can donate an organ that would save your childs life. I say it all the time and maybe I watch too much Lifetime TV, but it is possible and I wouldn't want my stepchild to blink before greeing to it for their half sibling.

I can relate to you. Recently I have been very distant to my SD because I am fed up with how difficult her BM makes it to be close to her. My husband yelled at me saying that I am treating his daughter like sh**. The fact is that I have been completely neutral with her and it is bothering my husband. He is used to me being involved and catering to his daughters every need. My husband's ex wife has alienated my relationship with my SD by saying things like "you're not her mother" and showing up to her school before I pick her up. I am to the point where I do not want to have anything to do with my SD because it is such a challenging task to be an engaged step-mother. My husband and I fight constantly and most of the issues have to do with his ex wife.

To give you an idea of our first year of marriage: before we even had clearance to get our official marriage license, we were in court with my husband's ex wife because she dis-enrolled my SD from school and enrolled her in a new one without my husband's consent. My husband and I haven't even hit our one year wedding anniversary and I feel like I can't deal with the baggage this woman brings to our relationship. I am in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong then and ending up in court because she is great with manipulating situations to accuse my husband and I of being bad parents.

The turning point was a couple of weeks ago when my SD was released from school on a minimum day (which no one informed us about) and she was sitting at school with no one to pick her up. It was our day and I was to pick her up. My husband called me and said my SD was at school and I need to get there right away. I said ok. He then called me and said his ex-wife was there with her. I then told my husband that he needed to pick her up at that point because I do not want to deal with his ex wife and upset daughter who was told by her mother that "daddy says you can't go home with mommy, so you have to wait for {me} to get there". My husband told her to leave and didn't think it would be so bad and asked that I go. I did. So, I get there and the Principle takes me into a room and says "I just wanted to talk to you because your SD was really upset because she is afraid to be put in time-out for not finishing her lunch!". WTF!!! She has NEVER been put in time out for such a thing- threatened? maybe once - but it really isn't that big of a deal. My husband asked my SD why she would say that. She said "BECAUSE MOMMY TOLD ME TO SAY THAT"!!!

I don't know what to do. I almost feel like I would rather be single than deal with all this crap. I used to want to have children with my husband but all I can think is the drama that it would cause with his ex-wife and his daughter being jealous. I do not have any biological children and am frustrated and feeling like this entire situation is completely unfair for my SD and I.