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Is it worth even staying ?

Capecodlou44's picture

Submitted by Capecodlou44 on Sat, 07/07/2018 - 4:28am

My marriage amoung many other peoples is not at all perfect. My husband has psoraisis and we have no SL. In fact I can't even remember the last time he held me or made any attempt to show affection, more than a kiss. I'm alot younger than him and would understand it if it was a hormone issue. It's not though, its stress, his psorasis and my schedule. My job is the whats keeping him from showing me affection. He berates me because of my job, and has been very negative towards my future career within the company, almost threatening in a way. Some days he screams at me, just leave go have kids of your own! I feel like he doesn't truly love me and would be happier if I did leave. I can't count the number of times, I have looked at apartments thinking about how nice it would be to be alone. He is the bread winner and pays our rent and utilities. I do food shoping, and healthcare expenses, but he claims that's nothing.But my husband owns his own company and makes over 100K, and I make a mere 28K.

My SD can cause such stress between us that it's impossible to make him happy when she is around. He treats her like she's 5-7 and can't do things on her own, she's 15. In fact he said, just stop cleaning up after her, I'll clean it. My SD turns to him when I tell her NO, and he allows her anything she wants. I ask her to change her cloths because I find them inappropriate for her age. She turns to her dad and says , can I wear this? I then have to raise my voice and say, I said NO, he's not taking you the store, I am and it's my car. So if you want to wear that, stay here. He gets angry with me and says I'm over reacting. I had to chase 3 men away in a walmart from her and her friend, because these men thought they were 18-20 with their short shorts and tube tops and makeup. Sometimes I get so frustrated because she gets anything she wants, and can do no wrong. SD got a allowance of $25 for cleaning during her 5 weeks with us this summer. When she left, I told him, nice you were paying $25 a week her to vacuum the carpet and pull her comforter up over wrinkled sheets. SD left her bathroom with soap scum all over it. SD left clothes tags form clothing she got from her BM on her bedrom and bathroom floors. SD never dusted, and left food and rink cups in her room. She had a list and never did 3/4 of the list because she slept all summer until 2pm.

 

Comments

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 07/07/2018 - 8:14am

Are there good things about your relationship?  I certainly wouldn't stay based on what you've described, but there must be something that has kept you with this man.  What is it?

amyburemt's picture

Submitted by amyburemt on Sat, 07/07/2018 - 10:44am

Disengage from sd. That will shut down any battle your dh has with you over her.  At this point, can you look at your DH and honeslty say you love him? If he is berating you about work, would he berate you about something else if you quit your job? Is he on medication for his psoriasis? Usually when people are berating, it's because they are completely unhappy with themselves UNLESS hes a complete control freak. If you are no longer in love with your dh, it's time to move on where you can be happy.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sat, 07/07/2018 - 1:13pm

I hated when my SD dressed like a streetwalker. If you're taking her, she needs to be dressed so you won't be embarrassed or dragging a trail of men.

Regardless, this doesn't sound like a great situation. Look at real rents in areas where you'd be comfortable living. Make out a potential budget and see if you can afford it. If you can, great. Keep that in the back of your mind and when you're done you have a plan to move on. If nothing else, you'll have options and that alone might make you feel empowered and not so stuck.

Other than that, sounds like counseling is the only option to get past some of the issues. He can afford it. If he won't go, you go alone. It will also empower you and give you an outlet. I sort of feel like a spouse who won't try counseling is a lost cause. Time to put him to that test to see if he's invested in the marriage.

Counseling won't fix everything, but if he's willing and applies what a counselor says, it can do a lot for day to day living.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 07/07/2018 - 1:56pm

If you look at apartments, thinking how nice it would be to be alone, I'd say it's time to work on an exit plan.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Mon, 07/09/2018 - 1:38am

I am almost 61 years old- I have a small pension but it is not enough to live on. When I had the same issues as you- (not psoriasis but sight problems) I could not see how I could possibly support myself. I work part-time, so I asked my boss for more hours and I got them. I am currently paying a high rent to live in a decent place, and will be able to buy a small property for myself, but I will have all the bills to pay. I will have to work my guts off for the next five years until I can fully retire, and I have a long commute- but... it is worth it!

You will make yourself ill if you stay in this situation any longer- you could try counselling, but that's expensive so I would say have a long hard look at whether you can start to earn more and work towards setting yourself up for the rest of your life. Seek the help of family and friends and get out!

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Mon, 07/09/2018 - 6:51am

The fact that your husband screams at you at all makes my heart hurt for you. Telling you to leave and go have kids on your own would be enough for me to call him bluff and bail on the marriage. 

When I left my abusive marriage, I did it thanks mostly to this site. The women here saved my life. Some things that I did to get ready was quit paying any bills that were in my exes name. I cut waaayy back on groceries. No more cubbards full of yummies. It was cheap meal planning and school lunch stuff only. Just in doing that little bit I had enough stashed so that the last night with my ex when things got really bad, me and my kids were able to leave. I got a RO and was able to come back and get everything that was mine out of the house. I am not saying that your DH is abusive, but it sounds like that could change. Start stashing money every chance you get. It is amaing what you will save in a month or 2 by making some sacrifices and cutting back.

When you go, if you need furniture and household goods, just remember to look on facebook marketplace, and local trash and treasure sites. You can find really awesome stuff for super cheap! We just scored a dining room set that looks like it has never been used for a couple of hundred bucks that would have easily cost at least $1500 if we got it in a store. 

Talk to your boss about what you can do to work extra or OT. Start looking for another job if that doesn't work. Berating you about your employment is unacceptable. You should be proud of whatever you are doing to make your way in the world! Being a contributing member of society is something your DH should  be proud of you for! I wish you all of the best! Sorry I didn't address your issues with your SD, I just saw that you husband is your #1 problem.