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Passing words of wisdom

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 2:52pm

Alot of us say we wouldn't do it all over again, alot of us say we would, but we would do it differently. Alot of us say we would tell others to NOT get involved with someone with kids.

I don't know if I would have listened. Shit, sometimes I didn't listen to my own voice when the bells were ringing! So let's pretend OUR own biokid (s) came and was serious with a partner who had kids. Ya know, the whole nine yards. Let's pretend they WOULD listen and follow our advice. What would your advice be?

BUT you can't say DONT do it. Remember, they are in LOVE! This is their SOUL MATE. So you can't discourage the relationship, only give advice or suggestion or recommendation on what they should say or do to make THEIR relationship be "less bumpy"

Comments

asheeha's picture

Submitted by asheeha on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 3:11pm

Make sure the emotional baggage from the divorce has been sorted out. BD has separated emotionally from BM and vice versa. Also, that BD parents his children expects them to respect you and has consequences for bad behavior. Also, that he supports you, listens to you, and respects your opinions. He realizes that you and he are a team and he won't put you down in front of the children.

New Mama's picture

Submitted by New Mama on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 3:29pm

If my BD (now 1) ever came to me and said she was marrying a single parent.... I'd remind her of everything I went thru (currently going thru) with SS7 and tell her the mistakes I made (currently making) so she doesn't make the same ones. I'd tell her to talk to my step-father and my sister who is a step-mother, because, step parenting is not always bad and it doesn't always divide a family. Sometimes it can be wonderful. I just wasn't so lucky with SS7.

unsure99's picture

Submitted by unsure99 on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 4:27pm

This!!

myhusbandswife's picture

Submitted by myhusbandswife on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 5:00pm

I'm breaking your rules, sorry.

I have boys, and I think it's a bit easier for Stepdad's. No offense to men who disagree!

But for a daughter, Hell, No! Love him, live with him if you can, but stay the hell OUT of a marriage. Again, my apologies. Wink

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 10:42pm

What would I say:

DD you are about to embark down a journey that will change you- and you will never again be the same from again. It will change who you are- both for the good and the bad.

You need to foster your love for your spouse, as he does for you. You need to focus on each other building your relationship before you get married strengthen it so that it can become invincible.

You need to realize your job, and understand that it is thankless. Parenting is thankless- step parenting even more. Start now with counseling to learn how to handle your minor problems, so the major ones won't destroy you as a couple. Remember that a family is formed by love not always blood. The love can not be forced but must be nurtured and grown. You need to remember that his children are a branch of him- love them, protect them and be there for him. Expect nothing in return.

You are a chip off the old block baby, you will take your step parenting role on just like I did. YOu will want to be the best sm you can be and you will be devastated when you aren't perceived to be. It will crush you, you will hurt, you will cry. THen you will become angry and possibly hate. IT is at that stage that you need to realize that the only reason you can feel any of these emotions is because in your heart you have love.

Above all remember, that your grandfather did not view you as a step- you were HIS grandchild from the day you were born. Remember that the day that I said I could not go on in my marriage that you cried because and said I am loosing MY DAD....I know I have a dad but SDad is my dad- he did everything with me since I was 4! And then said, Mom, Jesus just needs to thump you in the forehead and say get over it girl. DD it is that specific moment in time that I realized that I did succeed in building a family, that I did teach you and DH that love can build a family - can make a step daughter a daughter, and a Step dad a dad.

And when the situation becomes too much and the world is sitting on your shoulder crushing the life from you. Come home to mommy - I will kiss the boo boo and send you back into the world (and possibly hunt down the BM you have to deal with and take her out for you :).