At the beginning of 2019, SO had located a therapist and scheduled an appointment.  We both had the same goal of improving our communication related to Bratty as that was the only area of conflict we had.  The therapist was actually pretty good and started out with some background, etc.  Eventually we got into Bratty’s Thanksgiving visit.

The therapist helped us unpack a few things.  First, she said we needed to have a common understanding about Bratty and our expectations for how we would all interact.  She felt that all the communication flowing through SO to Bratty was not helpful in improving how the three of us interacted.  She also gently guided SO to the conclusion that although Bratty was 21 at the time and technically an adult, even 21 year olds need some pushing and guidance from time to time.  She also specifically discussed that how SO responded during Thanksgiving was not helpful either.  He re-inforced to Bratty that he had her back (regardless of her behavior) and re-inforced the direct opposite to me, his partner.  I talked about how hurt I felt when he reprimanded me but said little to Bratty, and we agreed that SO would reach out to Bratty and ask her to formally apologize to me for her behavior.

She also felt that Bratty was likely experiencing issues stemming from her estrangement from her biological mother, and felt that more direct communication between myself and Bratty would be beneficial.  We talked about some different approaches and ended up settling on me reaching out to Bratty via letter, partly due to the geographical distance but also partly because Bratty tended to clam up in the past when I tried to converse with her.  I agreed but said only after I received an apology first.  Since it seemed like SO and I were aligned on a plan, we didn’t make any further appointments with the therapist and said we’d contact her if needed.

A couple of weeks later, a letter came in the mail addressed to me from Bratty.  It was intended to be an apology for Thanksgiving.  However, it came across as less than sincere.  Basically Bratty blamed me for not having any non-dairy options available to her since she was lactose intolerant.  Then she went on to explain lactose intolerance to me as if I were an idiot.  Hello, SO and I are both lactose intolerant.  We took a lactose pill before Thanksgiving and actually offered one to Bratty who said she didn’t need it.  In other words, sorry not sorry.  I did show SO the note and he agreed the tone of it was not really apologetic, but we decided I would address it in my response.  Per the therapists’ guidance, he was trying to minimize his involvement and let Bratty and I work things out on our own.

I took the opportunity to write Bratty a return letter, as we had discussed during our therapy sessions.  I started by saying that I hoped we could communicate more directly in the future and hoped it would improve our relationship.  I thanked Bratty for her ‘apology’ (lame as it was) but pointed out that lactose intolerance was clearly not the issue as she ate chicken and mac and cheese the next day.  For the rest of the letter, I just tried to establish a nice conversational tone – shared some of what was happening in my life, how work was going, a trip SO and I were planning.  I also invited her to write back again.  She actually did and for the next couple of months, believe or not, Bratty and I became sort of pen pals.  We’ll see how that went and what ultimately ended our letter writing campaign in the next chapter.