The issue is she is jealous that he has moved on with his life with someone else.. 4 years in my opinion is too long for a divorce. Whether she likes you or not you are there and she is not. Its also that she wants to hold all the power. In which case she is because you have stepped back and do not go to functions. How can a school if you are obeying the rules if they have told you that you may not attend any functions that is not right.. How can this woman write a letter and complain to any of them. I mean my heavens.. How old is she 10?
I would say that your MAN... Needs to state it to her like this or in some form of this.
***I will be unable to attend these functions due to the fact that I do not drive and my only way to get there is my partner. At this time until you decide to be an adult and learn to deal with the consequences of your actions.. (Remember you filed for divorce).. I will not be able to attend. I would then sit daughter down and discuss it with her age appropriately.
I cannot believe this woman is behaving this way. How rude.. And to be honest no matter what she tries to pull, there daughter will still love her dad and you no matter what her mom tries to pull.

I do have to be nosey and ask how come he does not drive? If I may..

I think I would go and let her make a fool of herself and make the mom responsilbe for dealing with the consequences of her actions….is it better for her to be upset with her dad for not coming or upset with her mom for acting a fool and ruining the event? If she “shows out” when she finds out that you are there and SD asks daddy not to bring you, then I would take that as the opportunity to explain to SD that the only way daddy can make it is if Caitlin brings him (i.e. you know daddy cannot drive b/c of XYZ right, and that is why Caitlin takes you to your practices….well that is why Caitlin came to your school event, 1. b/c she thinks you are the neatest kid on the planet and she just loves to see you (perform, get an award, etc) and 2. she has to drive daddy so he can come cheer you on as well)

Then the ball is in psychomom’s court when she has to explain to her daughter why she would rather cause a scene then cheer her daughter on

Make a GREAT Day!

Its time to put that " manipulative witch " in her happy place.. LOL.. Its time for her to step off her thrown cuz theres a new queen in town ( Caitlyn )... I agree to talk to the daughter and let her know that you love her and care for her and will be there for her when she needs..
In all seriousness the bm can always and will always be her mom no matter what happens.. We who all have bio kids know that we will always be the mom.. That is a fact.. But I think that she needs to stop acting like a child..
Start going to those functions.. Show you have class.. When she starts acting like a child just ignore her.. She will be the one walking out of that place with "Ima Dumb Ass" written across her forehead..

You have in my eyes all rights to be a part of her life.. Her daddy has chosen you..

Smile and have a great weekend..

My DH was in a similar situation. BM made it clear that she didn't want *him* at any school functions. She would tell him not to go. She would tell the school that he wasn't supposed to be there. She went so far as to keep SD out of school on the days when DH was volunteering in the classroom.

Sigh...

DH pushed back sometimes, simply went about exercising his rights. BM was never at any of SD's school functions, anyway - just got mad after the fact when she found out he was there (or beforehand if she knew he was planning to attend). The sad part was that it had to be so hard for SD to have to live with that, listening to her mom going off about these things, grilling her to find out if her dad had been at the school, keeping her out of school, home from events, discouraging her from joining extracurricular activities.

So, sometimes DH would give in, too. Leaving SD with no one there at all, but peace in her life.

Even now, when she's living with us, she thinks it so weird how involved DH & I are involved in DS's school & activities.

You and everyone are very, very, very correct that you have every right to be there. And, SD has every right to have you there. She also has a right to peace in her life, but has a volatile controlling BM to deal with. That's got to be so hard for her. And, I'm sure that it's just as hard for you & your DH to make the decisions about attending these things & find the right balance given the reality of the situation.

I don't really know what's right for your family. I don't think anyone ever knows for sure in these kinds of situations. Just keep on trying your best to salvage a normal, happy, enriching childhood for your husband's daughter.

YOU SAID IT! Trust yourself, you sound 'right on'.
Being a 'Step Mom' and a 'Bio Mom', I feel so sad when I read comments like this. It's ABSURD! She sounds like the same sort of 'control freak' (I'm putting it VERY nicely) that my husband's ex is; our situations sound identical.
Go with your fiance to the events, ignore her as much as possible, and continue to love your step daughter.
You're awesome!
And remember: 'The best revenge is success' AND: 'What goes around comes around' (or vice-versa, whatever! KARMA)
(It's the truth, I speak from experience!)
Aloha, MJ

CHECK OUT LEGAL AID...get the divorce finalized!
...and live happily ever after (LOL)
Aloha, MJ

He's the father, he has the right to go. You are living in a committed relationship, you have the right to go if he wants you there, if the child wants you there and if you want to be there. She can either (1) get a grip on reality or (2) make an ass of herself. Number one would be the ideal, but number two could be fun to watch! No sane person would deny the child the love and support of a parent, whether that parent is biological, adopted or step.

Think of all the gay couples with adopted children who don't have "legal" marriages. If they can do it, so can you. Did anyone read about the lesbian couple who had a child via artificial insemination and the courts granted them equal rights as parents? Even though there were two "mothers" and only one of them was a biological parent to the child, the courts gave the non-bio mother equal standing as a parent in the family, just as both moms and dads have equal standing in traditional families. Now, why is this important? Because it sets a precedence for all stepfamilies or blended families, whatever you want to call them. In stepfamilies, the same is true... you have a mother, in our case we would be stepmothers, who are not biologically related to the child, but living in a committed relationship and/or marriage to the child's biological parent. It's an important ruling, because it will eventually give stepparents equal rights as co-parents without having to go through an adoption process.

But back to your situation. I agree that you guys need to get to a lawyer pronto and get this divorce finalized. You keep saying that she won't sign. Well, that's fine. Use legal aid if you need to, but get a lawyer to petition the court for a judgement against her for the divorce. You can get a divorce even if the other person doesn't want to. You just show the judge that the separation has lasted several years, there is no hope for reconciliation, that he has moved on and that she is preventing the divorce so as not to allow him the freedom to remarry. The judge can enter a judgement for divorce without her signing a thing and can make a ruling on child support, visitation, etc. at the same time. I would look into that.

Also, make sure that when he does finally get things finalized, that he puts a non-interference clause in the paperwork so that she can only contact him at home for genuine child-related reasons, that she cannot contact you at all, that she cannot call him at work, etc.

~ Anne ~

That's the only way to get your life back. It worked for me. Think of her as a school yard bully. Call her bluff and she will eventually back down.

Been there, done that...saw the stupid look on her face when I walked in and she did...NOTHING!!!!:) Now she's the one that's on the retreat! We are married but it doesn't matter if you never get married. You have a right to be there because you are supporting your mate. Hell, some parents aren't even married, HELLO!

I agree with everyone else here. You have every right to be there. If you do decide to go, and BM makes a scene, who will look like the fool? Her. Step families are becoming more and more mainstream lately and pretty much everyone knows someone in your situation if they haven't been in it themselves. People will respect you for being there and showing your support for your SD, and they will have little to no respect for this woman if she does decide to "show out". It will help if you can completely ignore her and keep your attention on SD at all times! They will see you as a classy lady and her as an immature person who needs help.

I also agree that her letter-writing campaign is pretty childish. I mean what is she trying to accomplish? She's basically bad-mouthing you to everyone hoping that they'll join her side and ban you from these activities, thus giving her even more power over you. Well you know what? Unless you are posing a threat to the safety of SD by being there, or there's a restraining or court order against you, I'm pretty sure they can't deny your presence. After all, these are PUBLIC events. If she wants to start up her own "I hate Caitlin" club that only people she approves can attend, that's up to her.

Also: I would strongly suggest pushing to get the divorce finalized. Four years is a ridiculous amount of time to stretch out a divorce, and the only person who is benefiting from it taking this long is her. Perhaps getting that taken care of or at least your BF letting her know that he is not going to sit around forever waiting on her to decide to do it will help her to understand that you two aren't her puppets on strings.

Good luck with everything, keep us updated on how everything goes!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

It's great that you and SD had that talk and no, I don't feel it was inappropriate. But if BM has anything to say back to you about it, just brace yourself ahead of time...you know it was to address the problems that BM is making SD aware of, but I have a feeling BM may try to twist it and blame you...try to let it bounce off! I am in a very similar boat, BM has "banned" me from even speaking to or around her because I am not SS's parent. And I'll tell you the same thing I was told, unless you are outright harrassing or slandering or physically abusing or assaulting BM then she can't take any action to prevent you from going to events or being involved. And I completely understand about the bus issue and how long it takes to ride on them back and forth. So as long as SD knows that her Dad isn't missing out intentionally, and when you said she says she feels bad for her mom, it sounds like she realizes that she can't exactly trust her. Which is very sad for SD, but it's great that you and your fiance are there to foster a healthy and loving relationship.

P.S. Our oldest daughter is named Caitlin