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Lazy Adult Step Son (seeking advice)

BrittneyT's picture

Submitted by BrittneyT on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 8:49am

I’m not entirely sure this is where I post for advice. It’s my first post, but after 4 years- I need some advice. My youngest step son will be 20 soon and has been out of school for a year. In general we have a great relationship. I’m only 10 years older so I understand some of the social situations he gets into better than his father does. However- we are polar opposites. When i got married I assumed he would be going to college, or working, living with a girlfriend, hanging out with friends or at the very least DRIVING by 20... nope. I currently work from home and it’s very difficult for me in this situation. My step son eats us out of house and home, is the biggest SLOB I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t understand how to clean up after himself after making like 6 sandwiches. He doesn’t shower for (sometimes weeks) and the second I come out of my office, he starts talking incesintly about unimportant things (like marvel or vampires or politics all at once) let me state- no, he is not mentally or physically challenged. I get asked that a lot. He won’t get his license BUT his father did make him finally get his first job. A new issues I’m running into is bc he has no car, and no license and his dad works nights, I’m responsible for all his rides. It takes me 2 hours to drive him back and fourth for a 4 hour shift. I feel horrible for complaining but I really can’t keep this up much longer, it’s wearing on me mentally that he is the laziest most spoiled adult I have ever met. And he’s not an only child. I’ve had multiple conversations with his dad about teaching him general hygiene, motivation, ect. And he has. My step son knows how to do all these things but won’t. He has 0 ambition. I’ve even tried teaching him how to drive and told him I’ll take him to get his license. For now- I’m dealing with high anxiety, shutting myself in my bedroom for hours and can’t get any work done because I’m basically hiding from him. Oh and he feels entitled to go on our dates. What can I do? I’ve been trying to find a therapist for years and there just aren’t any in my area. So other step moms- please offer any advice you have. I’m desperate for answers and would also like to know I’m not alone or unjustified. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 8:58am

Your skid is one of the many young adults now who are failing to launch.  Given the choice, they'd rather stay comfortable as children than grow up and take on adult responsibilities.  Usually there is depression and anxiety involved for them (which they deny) as well as enabling behaviors from the parents.

Your DH is enabling his son, even if it's well-meaning, and you are too.  He needs to know that while you may understand it's hard for him, living at home like a child forever is not acceptable. His father needs to set deadlines for him to have a license, start paying rent and contributing to food, and eventually moving out.

All you can do is refuse to participate. No more spending hours driving him to work - he can find a closer job that he can walk/bike to, or he can take an Uber. Or he can, you know, get his license.  Yes, your DH will be mad at you, but too bad, he's created this problem, he can deal with the mess he's made.

beebeel's picture

Submitted by beebeel on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 9:00am

Oh my dear. First, stop enabling this man baby by giving him rides. He can uber or learn how to effing drive.

Second, why the hell does your DH allow him on your dates?!? I would notify him that future dates will be couples only or you will be finding someone else to date.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 9:03am

Stop being his chauffeur, for one thing. He is 20 years old, he needs to get his driver's license, or find his own transporation.

Does he actually go on your dates? If so, why does your husband allow it, why do YOU allow it? I would shut that down real quick.

I would have a serious conversation with your husband, you should not have to hide out in your bedroom in your own home. His job, as a parent, is to prepare his kids for life, for independence. As your husband, he should be concerned about what this is doing to you and do something about his "kid".

Where is the BM?

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 1:42am

your DH not your SS,  Your DH bad parenting is caused all these problems.  And he is continue to be a bad parent by dumping this on you.  He has to make his DS first take a shower every day.  He has make him get his drivers license. So he can drive and get a car.  

You have to disengage from SS.  That means no driving him around.  SS should get a night job so DH can drive him. You have to make a plan with DH to have SS out of your home in a year or two max.  Drivers license, car, job, apartment, move out.  OR you will move out in two years, 

i have seen 40 yo’s still living with there parents That is what is going to happen with you.  At 20 and still doesn’t know about girls, all is lost 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 1:30pm

My mum and stepdad charged me and my stepsister rent when we lived at home. They saved the money and didn’t tell us and helped us with deposit for a rental flat etc with it. I currently have a failure to launch son and am charging him rent and going to do the same with him. If you can’t afford to put the money by that’s different, but if you can the key is in not telling them. It’s not good we have to do that but it’s one solution. Rent where I live is £1100 a month for a two bed house in the nearest city 10 miles away. £800 pounds ish for a one bedroom flat. I therefore live in a village as the rent is slightly cheaper.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 2:42pm

just as bad as my husband suggesting or rather stating his skids (sd23, ss20 and sd14) would be free and we can take them somewhere during our 4th wedding anniversary weekend. They shun me and my 2 kids with their dad (their half siblings), are lazy, rude, disrespectful and the 2 adults are total failure to launch and leeches... 

all hubby got repeatedly was NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

i explained he could take those lovely skids on holiday alone during our 4th wedding anniversary weekend while i flew overseas with my kids back to my country to destress a bit with hubbys credit card. Hubby shat his pants and apologised.

whenever dumb shit happens again or hubby conveniently has selective amnesia of the major skid issues, i remind him of the pathetic day he suggested taking 3 skids for our 4th wedding anniversary where they would repeatedly talk about bio mum and stepdad when that weekend is to celebrate us...

hubby wouldn’t have one chance to go on date night and bring skids along

Dragonella's picture

Submitted by Dragonella on Sat, 07/20/2019 - 7:25pm

It's not so easy to back out of something you've agreed to do but there is a big difference between being a kind and supportive stepmother and being a complete sucker! I agree with previous replies that you must stop giving rides to work. It would be fair to give him two weeks to arrange other transport. As to the showers try insisting on one a week minimum. It's a good sign that he wants to talk to you even if you find his geeky conversations boring so please try to give him some of your attention even if you have to learn to yawn with your mouth shut! It sounds like he has mental health issues so be on the look out for depression as he seems to live a rather isolated life. He's a pain - but he's still family.