I still struggle with my relationship with the SKs but it's been a lot better lately. DH has begun to stand up for me, giving me the right to be the adult in my home. I stopped trying to be the parent to SKs a long time ago, but I have found a place between parenting and being the doormat. That's in insisting that they do as I say and respect me when they are under the roof I help pay for, eating the food I cook and playing with toys/wearing clothes that I help buy. I can be patient with Sks now. However, I still don't look forward to their visits. I wouldn't say there's a knot in my stomach anymore, just a slight, sinking sensation when I know that I have to see them. Also, DH and I are ready for another child together. We have BS 1 1/2. I have some health/fertility issues that could mean our next child together might still be a long way off even though we are trying. I wonder how that will change the dynamics in our family. The selfish side of me wants it to cement the fact that we're now the 'family' and SKs are the outsiders, but another side of me does feel bad that we all seem to struggle with finding a way for DH to remain close to them while staying devoted to his new family as well. It seems like the more I distance myself from this issue and focus on the 'now' of treating SKs fairly when they're visiting, including them and trying not to carry the conflict of disliking children around inside myself, the more this issue resolves itself. I stopped caring how my treatment of SKs looks to DH's family, to BM and anyone else. Sometimes they get included, sometimes they get excluded from family events and functions now, but I don't beat myself up over what they think of me as a stepmom or a person.
As for the massive amounts of debt that DH and I have had to deal with because of his marriage to BM, I still get so mad when I think about it, but we've almost paid it off and I realized that when we have a nice house and she's still cramming 3 children and her latest boyfriend into a 2 bedroom apartment, who cares? DH has made it clear that he thinks I deserve a nice home and he's worked hard to make that happen, and he recently surprised me by finding us a beautiful new 3 bedroom apartment to move into while we finish fixing up his credit/debt mess. I still worry all the time that things will change, that he'll revert back to being bad with money and letting SKs run all over us, but I also think that this new attitude is better for everyone. DH has become more mature than I ever thought he'd be.