Ex wife still calls for help
I try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to certain things involving my boyfriend's children. After all, they are not my children. But when it comes to his ex wife calling to say that things are broken around the house, the car needs worked on, etc. it makes me a little peeved.
She called a few months ago to tell him that the AC unit at the house (that he pays for) was damaged by ice sliding off of the roof. She wanted him to pay for it at the tune of $5900. He said no and that it wasn't his problem. She continued to have their oldest daughter call about every three or four days to remind him that they were "hot and miserable", to which I reminded him that it is not his problem. If they are that "miserable" when it is only about 70 degrees outside, then she can go purchase a window air conditioner. She doesn't have any problems spending money on $400 handbags or eating three meals a day at restaurants, so she can swipe the credit card to get an air conditioner.
She called on Sunday to let him know that the Escalade she bought with her half of his 401k was in the shop because she blew the transmission and it was going to be $3,500. Once again, not his problem, but she feels the need to let him know. He then calls me to see if my brother can drop the transmission in the darn thing. I went off. One, it is not my problem AT ALL. Two, I'm not going to put that on my brother because I KNOW she will end up shorting him on the money needed for the transmission repair. Three, who cares! She bought that Escalade with 150,000 miles on it just so she could say "Look what I bought". Its all about image with her and she is raising the kids that way too. I told him that if he talks to her about the Escalade repairs or anything else that he does not need to be involved in as a result of her stupidity again, I will be very upset with him. Later that evening, he realized that it is not his problem and he shouldn't let his ex's problems interfere with our relationship.
Sometimes I sit and think that it is not worth being with him and putting up with her. He is a good man and tries to understand when I get upset and usually agrees with me when I make a point that he hasn't thought through. I don't think he wants to lose me, but I need to make my case that her problems are not our problems.
Anybody else experienced this and how did you deal with it?
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I am hoping that he continues
I am hoping that he continues to listen to me. He really hates the site of her and can't stand to hear her voice. It bothers him so badly that he normally has to take a Xanax to get settled down. I tell him that her problems are not his any longer and he needs to not respond to her, but he does. A response includes telling her "no". If he simply hangs up the phone, I feel she will stop.
Ohhhhh yeah. BM is
Ohhhhh yeah.
BM is relentless. She's always sending emails about what is broken/needs repair, etc with an additional note that he needs to
pay for it and (b) spend his time fixing it when it's supposed to be his time with the boys.
It was REALLY bad in the beginning but it has lightened up a bit ever since BF stood up to her.
We had a long talk about everything. We've had all of the really tough talks and we spent a good amount of time begin constructive about how to handle it.
I started by saying that every time he makes the decision to help her out, even if he thinks he's doing it for the boys, he's helping her and to me, that comes across that he still putting her value ahead of himself and ahead of me. I also pointed out that he's not the only person responsible for those kids. Where is her accountability?
The more it came across to BF that BM has to be accountable for those kids and that by him submitting to her demands, he's effectively telling her and telling me that he holds her higher than the rest of us.
That really hit home for him because he was thinking about it from the perspective that he doesn't want his kids to suffer. When he realized that she was manipulating him to feel that way, he backed off BIG TIME. Her behavior escalated severely and then he finally laid it out to her.
She was not allowed to contact by any means except her personal email. He will have one 1/2 hour phone conversation a week to discuss the parenting of the kids but that's it. When he calls to speak to the kids, if she gets on the phone, he hangs up. If she calls him, he hangs up on her.
It's really shown improvements. She still continues to email for things that are her responsibility but he doesn't respond to her. He won't engage with her.
So far, it's working for us. It's still frustrating knowing that she continues to try to demand but my BF is really good at not submitting to her anymore.
You are lucky. She has not
You are lucky. She has not really asked for help, but I really feel that if she did, he would be there to help. I always get irritated when my BF responds to texts that are not about their child...My BF always sees it as trying to keep BM happy so that she doesn't treat their son badly; he says he doesn't want his son to suffer because of BM's insanity. I mean, everytime he pulls out the "son" card, what more can I say? I would sound selfish and insincere if i try to argue that point. I could never imagine that he'd be so willing as your BF to even understand or want to understand that it's not his problem...He feels so much guilt (because BM constantly tells him it's his fault) twds the situation that he also feels he has to handle it. It's very very frustrating.
Their daughter, 14, has a
Their daughter, 14, has a cell phone and that is how he communicates with his ex and finds out things about the other two younger children. A 14 year old relaying messages...its ridiculous. So, when the mom wants to tell him something, you can hear her in the background saying, "tell him its going to be this much money to fix and I don't have it and it needs done, blah, blah, blah." He is to the point where he is just like "whatever, not my problem", but still, I think he may act differently when I'm not around. Like, he might say that he will help her find someone to fix whatever, when really he should say "not my problem" every time.
I think I will have a little "sit down" with him and tell him that I don't like when she relays messages that things need fixed at his old house. He doesn't live there any longer and it is not his responsibility to fix whatever. If he wants me to be with him, then he needs to stop responding to these messages and get on with our life. I try not to let things that she does bother me and make me not want to be with him, because essentially, it is not his fault. However, if he allows her to keep it up, I fear I have no choice but to really let him know that I don't agree with it and leave.
I think there's a lot of good
I think there's a lot of good advice already here.
As long as your H is being firm with BM, you're confiding in him when you need to and he's receptive to your feelings as well as the need for boundaries, you guys are on the right track. I would try not to let a woman who is clearly immature and obnoxiously materialistic get under my skin provided I had my H on my side and taking the action he could.
Anyway, sorry you're dealing with this!
My BF's ex was doing the same
My BF's ex was doing the same thing (and continues to do so) years after their divorce. I did the same thing and told him her issues in her house are not his problem. I asked him to let all her calls go to voice mail and then, if they pertain to fixing her house, car, etc, to politely ignore them. That seems to help.
He does try to ignore her,
He does try to ignore her, but when their daughter calls to tell him things are broken, its usually after they have been on the phone for a few minutes and she works it into conversation. He is usually firm with her by telling her that it is her mother's problem and not his. Then she usually starts whining and such, its annoying.
He is on my side with these things, I just think he is too nice to be mean about it. However, I am not as nice as him. I will tell her to stop calling and to fix her own problems.
I think I will put everyone's wonderful advice to work and ask him to let the calls go to voice mail and ignore texts and when the 14 yr old daughter goes on about their problems in their home, to politely tell her that it is not his problem to fix things in their home and their mother needs to stop pawning issues on her (daughter) to relay to him.
That sounds so like my
That sounds so like my situation. My Boyfirend's EX calls to borrow things. She will call on her week of the kids if he can take them to their activity because she has something going on. He says no he is busy. She thinks she can ask for favors. I really HATE (which is a strong word and don't use it often) that woman. She is evil and tries to cause trouble. We both see it for what it is. It's to the point that all communication with my BF and his EX are thru emails, texting and if she calls it goes to voice mail. He emailed her a list of boundaries. Calls are only for 911 medical emergancies when it's her week with the kids. Otherwise all communication is thru email and texting on business days and hours. Any changes to the schedule needs to be emailed/texted withing 5 days and only if able to accommodate. Has worked great so far. She tries to use the girls to get things BUT I am lucky my BF see's it for what it is. Still there are issue's to work out. My BF also says his EX needs to stand on her own and stop asking. Like you I tell my boyfriend that what issues and problems she has are hers and she needs to deal with them. He agrees and see's my view.
To me communication is big and so far it has worked. Good luck...
Interesting...business hours
Interesting...business hours only. I like that and I wish it would work with us. My bf works for the railroad and works 2 a.m. - ? usually he is home by noon, but sometimes not. He can get called out on weekends too, so he usually just gets his kids when he can with his work schedule. He goes to every sporting event they have because he is usually home in the evening. He goes to school functions because his ex is normally at work and cannot attend (safety zone) So, he kind of feels pulled both ways when wanting to halt communication to when necessary. He is afraid that if he tells her not to call unless its an emergency, then he will never know what is going on with the kids. He actually has to get the baseball, track, etc. schedules from the other parents because his ex won't give him a schedule. If he needs to know something, he usually calls his 14 yr old daughter and she explains whatever with the mom in the background :sick: Gag...
Anyway, I spoke with him while I was out to lunch just now and he says that he agrees with me totally about not allowing her to think that he still has to come and fix things. Even if he answers the call, he is enabling her.
Wanna hear something funny....?
Ok, she got half of his 401k when they divorced last year (been separated for 3 years). She has spent most of the $66,000 if not all of it already. Their divorce was final in December. He checked his 401k today to see what he had in it. He's already built it back up to just over $100,000 and at age 65 it will be $1,641,000. (Yes, that's million) If she had not screwed everything up with drug use and racking up credit card bills, she would be able to still be married to a wonderful man with a share in his retirement. Sorry bout' her luck.
He changed his beneficiary to
He changed his beneficiary to his mother the day he was booted out of his home by his ex. Wow! That inheritance tax is crazy!
Because my FDH was worried
Because my FDH was worried about his daughters safety, he was sucked into purchasing 4 new tires for his ex-wifes vehicle. I understood his reasoning, but that doesn't mean it didn't piss me the hell off. That was the first and last time that will happen. We can barely cover our own bills. She will have to find help elsewhere!!
OMG, I can't believe he
OMG, I can't believe he bought tires for her car. I know they worry about their kids, but she surely knows this and plays that card to perfection. Wish I could get new tires on my car. I can barely afford gasoline at times.
She can't get another vehicle because she has no credit, her parent's can't help her. She's pretty much screwed and she did it all to herself. Poor thing 
My bf and I had a revelation last night. Ok, so the ex's Escalade is in the shop because the transmission is blown. She has no money, no credit and I was told last night that her parents filed for bankruptcy last year. I feel sorry for her parents (a little) because her brother is the same as she is. They both do drugs and blow money like there's no tomorrow and their parents pick up the pieces. Guess that's why they had to file bankruptcy, not sure though. Anyway, how in the world is she going to pay to get the Escalade fixed? We were told by the 14 year old that she has some 401k money left, but can't draw it out until next year. (We don't think there is anything left
"he was sucked into
"he was sucked into purchasing 4 new tires for his ex-wifes vehicle."
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Our BM has a solution for that. She just started dating a guy who works at a tire shop. He got her new tires (with his money & his discount) & then she put him out for a homebuilder. (She wanted her attic finished.) Oddly enough, 2 1/2 years later when DH made a comment about her tires being in rough shape, & low & behold, she moved the tire guy back in. She got new tires, & he got put out again. It's like prostituiton, but she's charging labor in lieu of...nah...in addition to money. I know the tire guy pays her bills while he's living there.
She's a hooka for some car
:jawdrop: She's a hooka for some car repairs and home improvements! 2 funny!
Although I have to admit, when I was trying to find someone, if they didn't have any skills that I needed at the time, I was not attracted to them. My current bf cuts my grass, does minor home repairs and helps me with whatever he can. He's a keeper. But, I cook him dinner and take care of him as well, so its an even trade.
We are just waiting on the demise of his ex. I don't know how many of you watch Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, but we nicknamed his ex after Lil on Squidbillies. Lil is the drunk meth/nicotine addict that is always laying in her own vomit passed out. If we don't laugh at our situations we will go insane.
Was wondering if any of you had any experience with welfare fraud because we think Lil has been committing it for a while now. Now that I think about it, that was one of the episodes on Squidbillies.
BM has been on welfare since
BM has been on welfare since the skid went back to live with her. She has a sketchy work background. She calls herself a nurse on FB, however never graduated or got her GED. She has a certificate from a 6-week course to do home health care. She works now & then, but only enough to get what cash she can without having to pay taxes. She receives food stamps & her & skids are on medicaid. Her mother pays her rent & household bills (during the periods BM doesn't need tires or home remodeling). Her mother doesn't work either, but pays these expenses with BM's stepdad's money. He is a moving/hauling contractor, but his business is in BM's mom's name due to the fact that he owes out the ass in taxes. I guess because of this, he's somewhat obligated to let her spend $$$ on whatever she feels necessary. Sadly, she feels it necessary to continue to support her daughter (38), her son (34), & her grandkids. She was an absent mother through their young years (as BM was to skids) & I'm sure feels obligated to make it up to her kids.
I'm not sure what constitues fraud when it comes to welfare. In my opinion, she shouldn't qualify because she is well-bodies & able to work. She just chooses not to.