SD is coming in two weeks - DH is thrilled and just wants to keep taking it from BM apparently
So DH called me to say that he talked to BM and SD is making her return to our house on the August long weekend. I told him I'm apprehensive about it. How can she just suddenly return after not seeing us for 4 months? We were "abusing" her in April.....now everything is fine despite the fact that we haven't changed anything?
I told him we need to have a plan. We need to speak to counsellor - perhaps he could have an appointment with SD. We need to make sure we have boundaries and that SD is aware that we have rules she'll be expected to follow. She can't run home and "tattle" on us when she doesn't get her way or when she gets in trouble for breaking a rule. I also said we need to go slowly. Maybe just have her come for an afternoon and then over the course of several months work up to overnights.
I asked if she's conveniently coming on a weekend that we might be going to a nearby city to do some fun activities and staying at a hotel. He said, "And what would be wrong with that? I can't punish her for this." I told him I want to get some assurance from BM that she won't do this again - something in writing rescinding her accusations or saying she's willing to meet to discuss any issues that come up in the future. I'm not interested in her antics where she jumps to conclusions and invovles police, CPS, lawyers or other authorities.
Then he said angrily, "I just want to see my daughter."
So now I'm the bad guy for wanting to protect ourselves. I should have known this was going to happen. He has no appreciation for how I've helped him with everything. Without my family he wouldn't have seen SD on a somewhat "normal" supervised visit. SD now wants to have playdates at my mom's house while my DD is there (my mom lives in the same town as SD/BM and my daughter stays with her a lot in the summer). It's amazing that everything was in limbo until I got involved three days ago. Suddenly everything is fine now but I'm supposed to just roll over and let him takes the reins when he's done absolutely nothing to help himself. I'm supposed to just go back in to keep letting BM/SD run our home while sitting back and taking it.
I've called a couples counsellor to make an appointment. I told my husband I haven't been able to eat or sleep and my hair is falling out because of how stressful this has been for me. I've had to take days off work when certain things were happening because I couldn't concentrate. I cannot have this situation continue without knowing we are protected in some way and that he will support me. I want SD to return and I want things to go back to "normal", but it'll take a while to get there and we need to navigate this carefully.
Comments
This is what I hate about
This is what I hate about these situations when I hear of SD's who falsely accuse. In their mind it can suddenly go away when they want it to and return anytime they don't get what they want. Meanwhile... your marriage is suffering.
Yes I understand that your husband 'just wants to see his daughter' - I thought that might happen and it is how men think. They are not lateral thinkers. They say women are suspicous and imagine all sorts. My answer when I get accused of this is to ask him just how many times have I turned out to be right?? He goes sheepish then.
Is there any chance he could have started with just day visits on his own with her? She how that goes. Instead of you guys having to jump back in as is nothing has happened. Seems like he wants to brush it under the carpet. SD knows this. They know their father's weaknesses.
At this point I told him if
At this point I told him if he thinks SD is just going to return for overnights out of the blue, especially on a long weekend, and we don't have anything in place to figure out how we're going to navigate this, then the kids and I will be packing up and leaving for the weekend when he leaves to pick up SD.
I would've been totally content if SD decided she just wanted to do playdates with DD at my mom's place for a while instead of coming here. I thought that's what would likely happen. This is crazy and absolutely points to BM being manipulative.
SD should not come on a
SD should not come on a weekend when you may be going out of town.
If there's a problem and she freaks out, then she will be far away from BM and whatever will happen then? Explain to your DH that she needs to have a normal couple of visits with no changes from the normal routine to acclimate. If she freaks out or perceives something as a threat or abuse in another city, it will cause drama. The more out of the ordinary things are, the harder it is for all of you, including SD. It's not punishing her, it's protecting her.
Get into couples counseling and stay in it. Interviews the therapists on their approaches to steplife and what their views are.
It turns out it's actually
It turns out it's actually NOT a weekend we're going somewhere, but I was just checking with him.
We're definitely going to need continual counselling for a while.
I'd skip the trip and stay
I'd skip the trip and stay home alone, in peace, with my own kids if I were you.
DH would get a big, fat disengage from me. No help, no advice, no participation, no sympathy. Honestly, I'd consider leaving. The drama will never end. Killjoy is 14.5 now and I should have left 5 years ago before I went insane.
Sorry, maybe it's not clear
Sorry, maybe it's not clear but I just ASKED him if it's a weekend we're going somewhere. It turns out it's not. I included it in my blog because of his reaction to the question. But yes, if it were a weekend we had plans to go away, I would be skipping it.
I had a feeling that would happen
You will have to convince him that no one is saying that he can NOT see his daughter. Maybe it would be better at a different time.
If SD comes that weekend, you will see a huge change in your DH. He will be kissing her behind to make sure she is having fun and wants to continue to visit. He will bend over backwards to make sure she is happy and doesn't go back to bm to say she is abused again.
You're exactly right. Good
You're exactly right. Good point about telling him I'm not saying he can't see SD. Maybe he can go spend some time with her at my mom's with DD before she returns. I just can't see how SD can just jump right back in considering the allegations that have been made.
I would consider installing some "nanny cams."
That way if she accuses anyone of abuse you will have proof that it did not occur. It might seem extreme - but if she reports abuse again and CPS believes her, you run the risk of having your DD removed from the home.
I also think having her and DH see a counseler, maybe even a new one, is an excellent idea.
I'm looking into nanny cams.
I'm looking into nanny cams. Thanks for the idea. And yes, more counselling is necessary. SD continuing to just talk ABOUT us to her therapist won't accomplish anything. We all need to be involved (or at least DH and SD) to really get anywhere.
I decided if he won't discuss
I decided if he won't discuss it with me or give me any say in how things are going to work, he can deal with all of this on his own from now on. I know he'll want my help to get SD's room made up and he'll want me to be involved in everything when she visits. Well too f*cking bad. If I'm not good enough to include in this decision then I'm not good enough to help him any further. And I'm not taking any time off at all if she comes for an extended visit in August. He can sit at home alone with three kids for two or three weeks.
Yes! I'm so glad you are
Yes! I'm so glad you are taking this stance. Please stick with it. Frankly, this is bullsh!t and my H is the same way with letting BM and SD get away with everything under the sun and treating me like the bad guy. No longer and I am so proud of you. Get the nanny cams and please keep to yourself and tend to your kids only. If you cook for the family, fine. SD will probably decide she's "uncomfortable" in your home with the way things have gone on, anyway, and with BM in her head.
So true. I put way more
So true. I put way more effort into everything when SD is here than my husband does. Her room is going to be bland without my help and she's always said the house feels "empty" if I take one of my and leave for the day when she visits. He's going to be begging for my help again and I'm not going to do it.
Your help with SD should
Your help with SD should definitely not be expected and I'm mad for you. Of course he wants to see his kid but at what cost?? Do you mutual kids go to daycare when he works? What is SD going to do at your house for 3 weeks straight?
No, our two kids would be at
No, our two kids would be at home with him. He knows if SD is there he has to take time off or find child care for her himself. I bet that if she comes for an extended visit in August, he'll want me to take time off so we can go somewhere. Fat f*cking chance. SD doesn't need to be rewarded for this. We didn't have anything planned for just us and our two kids, but I bet he'll want to do something now.
I'd refuse to go if he makes
I'd refuse to go if he makes such plans and you don't need a rhyme or reason. I am so mad for you and your kids. I hope for your daughter's sake that everything goes well but 3 uninterrupted weeks is not the way to go about this. He should've consulted with you before making plans with that witch of a BM and who even initiated the contact??
Nanny Cam your whole house
I am sorry this is happening to you, get as many nanny cams as you can afford, make sure they have audio and place them all through the house, excluding the bathrooms. Hell I wouldn't even tell your DH that you are doing this. You need to cover your ass in all different directions. Like another stalker said, another call to CPS could get your children taken away. If your DH can't see the manipulation that is going on in front of him, you need to protect your children from his selfish stupidity.
If I am wrong about this, I am sorry for being so harsh towards your DH, but I have seen this happen a few times. It is a nightmare to get your children back, if they are dumped into the system. Please protect your children.
You're not being harsh at all
You're not being harsh at all. He's being a selfish idiot. Thanks for the support.
Without written documentation
Without written documentation that the alleged abuse never occurred, I would be packing my kids up & heading to Mom's if I were you. I would never risk losing my children because of SO's stupidity.
I hope for your husband's
I hope for your husband's sake that this all works out and it isn't part of BM's plan to reel him in and then dash his hopes again (while getting free babysitting in August). But if it is, I would have absolutely NO interest in comforting him or hearing him complain about it when the time comes. And I would have even less interest in joint funds being spent on court or lawyers.
We keep our finances separate
We keep our finances separate so he’s on his own there anyway. And I definitely won’t have any sympathy for him when this happens again - because I’m certain it will.
Our BM was famous for
Our BM was famous for dropping off the skids and leaving the state for a weekend vacation. Usually when they had lice. Its not unheard of for a HCBM who PAS skids to change for convience sake then revert when the personal need for freedom is over.
I get the impression that the happiness of your DD motivated your jumping in. In my situation, my BD9 has 3 half sibs she doesn't know because they are estraged from DH. There's a part of me that hopes she never has to deal with them ever. If your SD via her BM is causing this much drama, then it might be more prudent to keep SD away from DD and help DD to let go of her sister. My child is much happier unaware of all the drama from skids. As a mother, that is more important and teaching her to handle dissappointment with situations out of our control. My older bios are all launched so BD9 has practice missing them and dealing with that. They always treated her right and still do.
I highly recommend thinking long and hard about letting all that drama back into your home for the sake of your DD. She misses her sister but the games and coming and going will cause you to deal with more drama then less IMO, and to have conversations that you might not be ready too.
The last thing I ever wanted was for BM's games to leave an lasting negative effect on my BD9.
I’m totally regretting
I’m totally regretting helping my husband now. I did it for my DD to see her sister but now I’m questioning it because I don’t want to have her potentially get hurt again.