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Feeling strange

Belle_Mere's picture

Hello all! I'm a longtime lurker and this is my first blog post. I found this site at the top of my annoyance with SS19 and am so grateful to learn from others with similar experiences. 

Some background: I met DH eight years ago and we've been married for four. We had a long distance relationship for about three (hot n' heavy) years, then I moved to his country. During our dating years there was drama with the BM, it escalated after we got married, and has now tapered off significantly. 

SS has lived the majority of time with us since he was 15. I don't have any biological children (by choice), so living with SS was a HUGE adjustment for me. This kid was a lazy brat. SS would constantly give off the "woe is me" teenage vibes if we asked him to help out. Countless dinners and trips have been ruined by his pouting. And the cleaning up I had to do after him in another blog post entirely.

Several times I begged DH to send SS back to BM so I could get a break, especially after I got really depressed. DH asked me to tough it out a little longer each time. He said we just needed to see SS through until he went to college, and then we could relax. I still have mixed emotions on how all that went down. I feel he rushed me into caring for his son, and he justifies it because SS has a tumultuous relationship with his BM and he felt he was being emotionally damaged by her.

Over the past several years barely a day went by went I wasn't annoyed, pissed, depressed by something SS did. I voiced my concerns to DH and to his credit he did parent, but was lax on correction follow through. Then if I brought that up he would use the "I work so much and I just don't want to deal with discipline now" line. 

But something strange happened at the same time, I actually started to appreciate SS on the rare moments he behaved like a decent, kind human. We have the same sense of humor and catch the same quirky nuances around us. Despite his mood fluxuations and self centered tendancies, I feel like he's eventually going to be a decent guy. 

SS19 is now going to start his first year in college. We moved him into his apartment yesterday and DH and I are both relieved, happy and a little sad. I have the strangest empty feeling, which prompted me to finally type this blog entry. For the longest time everything about SS annoyed me and I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Now that the next chapter has started I'm extastic to finally have DH back to myself, but also can't believe I bonded with his kid. 

I guess that's all I got for now...I'll share all my horror stories in upcoming posts. There are many LOL Smile Smile



TwoOfUs's picture


I have had a similar, ongoing love-hate relationship with my skids. 

I want them to launch and don't want anything bad to happen to them...they make me laugh sometimes...and I actually often enjoy their company when we're out to eat or doing an activity (when it's not in my home and there's a clear timeframe for interaction). I have supported them and put time, money, effort, and other resources toward their care and would gladly do it again. 

When they're in my home...I STILL want to tear my hair out. I felt that way when they were young and would descend on my home and create all kinds of noise and chaos...and I feel that way now that they're all 18+ and out on their own. I "miss" them from time-to-time...and I also get phyically sick to my stomach thinking about them in my home again. 

Saying all this to say...I totally get it. I have a weird bond with my skids, too. I think it's just not natural to "live" with someone else's kids...or your own after a certain age...and I think that has nothing to do with loving or not loving the kid. I do think I love my skids, in a way. My DH used to accuse me of 'hating' them when I was visibly anxious before a skid visit...but I shut down that idea. I have a niece and 5 nephews who I adore so much and take out as often as I am able. I told my DH...I clearly love and adore my niece and nephews...but if someone told me they were going to be coming over to live at my house for 1/3 of every year...on a schedule that I had no control over...I would very quickly tire of that arrangement and have objections. Not because I don't love the kids...but because I hate having no say over who is in my home and when. That seemed to get through to him...

Belle_Mere's picture

Wow, you really put into words my exact feelings. I've been beating myself up for so long over this...wondering if I'm to blame because I can't tolerate SS in the home. DH has used the phrase "old single lady" referring to my intolerance, but I've never tolerated anyone being pouty, grouchy and unclean in my home- who would? THANK YOU TwoOfUs, you really made me feel better tonight.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh...and PS. 

I've also had that strange 'empty nest' feeling now that all 3 are up and out. In one sense, super relieved that we got through it and my time and my money belong to me again, for the most part. was still a significant (8-year) portion of our marriage before all skids were out. That does leave a little bit of a gap at first, even if you're ultimately excited about it.

StepUltimate's picture

Love your 1st post, very nice. Glad you're here.