New to this blog....SD13 is a ticking time bomb
I am new to this site....I found it while scrolling through self help sites on Google. I am going to try to make this story short (if I can....) but I am just wondering who else in this group has been where I am at the current moment and how was it handled.
So I have been with my SO for going on 9 years. I met him when my SD was 5 and SS was 9. All was smooth the first year of meeting him/kids. We had discussed having a child together as I was 34 at the time and did not have children; he was 41. Flash forward another year and I was pregnant. We were having a boy (thank god). The first time that I had an interaction with my SD was on vacation. She started the "you are not my mom" statements and threw a suitcase at me while I was going down stairs. I was pregnant at the time (7 months). I had blew it off as we were packing the car to leave and my SO questioned why I was quiet. I told him that SD was being a "brat." From that point on I knew this was not going to be good. We drove 14 hours in a car with him giving me the silent treatment the entire trip. All because I called his daughter a "brat." Red flag...I know....but I was 7 months pregnant.
So baby was born, we built a house, and during those trying times my SD would kick, yell, scream, make me late for work. I would try to talk to my SO about the issues and he would just laugh and blow it off as nothing. He would constantly blame my SS for things my SD instigated. I would call him out on it. This would happen repeatedly. My SD is a master manipulator and I figured this out early on when she was at a young age. He would go sleep in her bed with her, wait hand and foot on her, carry her (a 7 year old) because she was tired. Mind you, I had a baby that he did NOTHING for. It was almost like our child was his step child. So strange, but it was obvious and the truth. He would coddle his other kids but ignore ours together. I contributed this to "guilty dad syndrome" but it kept getting worse and worse. So much that our son would not even go to him any longer.
Years of emotional disconnect happened. BM is a head case herself. Never holding her kids responsible for anything. So my SO has 50/50 custody of both kids. All of a sudden my SD just quit spending the night, then had excuses on why she could not come over, would throw temper tantrums on the floor if my SO would ask her to stay. BM would never make her stay. Always an excuse...When she would come over she would have no coversation with me, eye rolls, and try to be the center of attention. This lasted almost 4 years. She would come and go as she pleased and no questions asked. Yet I was somehow told that I needed to build a better bond with my SD and just "try" to do better with her. It got to the point where I disconnected. If she ignored me, I ignored her (i know I am the adult but his is how I coped with her complete disrespect for our family). My SO would blame me for not talking to her, ignoring her, not trying hard enough etc....This has lead to resentment....a ton of it. He would never discipline her. Never say anything to her. She was always his "baby girl" and he was afraid if he punished her for her actions she would never come over. This go old, fast.....As our son was always getting yelled at. He is not very nice to him at all. No compassion towards him. I do 100% of everything with him. I play sports with him, go to all practices, homework, games, put him to bed, etc....He does very very little. But when it comes to his other 2 kids (more my SD than SS) he would bend over backwards for them. My SS17 lives with us full time and is never told to do anything around our house. My son has to pick up, and follow rules to a T but his does not. I have told him all i want is for him to be consistent across the board with all 3kids. This is yet to happen.
Back to my SD...go off on a tangent. She started coming over more in the last year and a half or do. Usually its in the summer because she wants to use the pool. She started staying the night occasionally. So I told my SO that I would give it one more good try on trying to communicate with her. I was so tired and exhausted of being blamed for her problems. Honestly, during arguments my SO and I have exchanged some not so nice things....I am not blaming him 100% on this. I have said things that were not mature or adult like but I feel that I was on the defensive all of the time. Things were going okay. She is now 13 and I thought that she may have outgrown this childish behavior. Well I was wrong. We just got back from vacation and while we were on our trip she started her crap again. Instead of ignoring it, I confronted it this time. I asked her if I did something to her. She would not respond and told me "stop, leave me alone, you are annoying.' Of course my SO would never step in and have my back on anything. So we get home, drop her off at BM and have not heard from her in weeks. Well she shows up one day out of the blue. Ignores me, rolling eyes, etc...so I tell my SO I am not doing this again. I am NOT living like this, walking on egg shells in my own home when she is around. Well all went down that evening. She finally told my SO and I that I was the reason that she does not come to our house and that she basically hated me. She would not explain the reasoning why she hated me, she just did. I have known this for years but my SO refused to believe it. He didnt want to be wrong for all those years and that statement just proved me right once again. The next day she shows up again....I had no idea and was blindsided by this. Of course my SO has not cared about my feelings from day 1 but this was just icing on the cake. She had friends over, laughing, and my SO was acting like nothing had happened. I was devistated and that is why I am reaching out on here....Not sure how to handle this any longer. Anyone? Anyone? have any ideas....I have tried disconnnecting but get blamed by my SO for not trying and being "rude' by not talking to her.
I am adding recent background for my SD:
1-since she was little she refused to go to school or ride the bus. BM would take her to school (up until 4th grade) and she would have to "cross the imaginary line" to go into the school. It got so bad they had to have a meeting with the principal because she was disrupting class.
2-Multiple temper tantrums that evolved, hitting, kicking screaming, etc... enough to where she had to see a counseler.
3-She has gotten trouble at school for threatening kids, bullying.
4-I have had moms reach out to me on FB because of her behavior.
5-She has missed 22 days of school this year (BM lets her)
6-She is getting D's and this is apparently acceptable.
7-She has snuck of of BM's house to meet boys.
8-And she has no friends besides younger neighbor kids because of her behavior.
I am doomed....as she is only 13.
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Comments
You have a bio parent problem
Firstly you are being gaslit into feeling like you are the main problem. The bio parents are the main problem.
Secondly, if your SO doesnt want to have a second failed family attempt on his hands, he needs to change.
Thirdly, Parents only blame everyone else for the issues, they are perfect, they are never the problem. Because you now have actual PROOF, you will be blamed.
I would say that you should consult a lawyer, read more posts on Steptalk and start thinking of what you want and see for you and your childrens future. Your child is being treated like second or third best of the kiddos. He will start being resentful and you again will be blamed.
Your SO sounds like a jerk. Sorry, but I have extensive experience with jerks. I am an expert when it comes to jerks. He is a classic jerk.
As to the reasons he is acting this way:
1. Classic Disney Dad, has to cater and coddle princess, so she wont stop visiting daddy cakes. She has learned how to be an emotional terrorist. This will not get better, it will get worse.
2. Divorce Guilt. Were you the reason the failed first family attempt broke up? No? You will still be blamed. And he feels guilty.
3. Sounds like a narcissist.
4. Does any of this matter? You are being set up for failure. Princess doesnt like you because she wants all daddys attention. You engage? Bend yourself into a pretzel, she will hate you MORE if that makes sense. She will treat you WORSE. Daddy cakes and BM raised a monster and you are expected to sacrifice you and your child on the altar of worship to this monster.
Id really consider another way...like leaving. Sorry!
What compels you to stay with
What compels you to stay with your SO? Love? Finances? Trying to keep an intact home for your son? I would need a compelling reason to stay, because there are plenty of reasons to go, including your son being exposed to dysfunctional people, having less than ideal relationships modeled for him, and being treated unfairly by his father.
I don't think there's anything you can do to improve things with the SD, and the fact that you get no support on that front from your SO is disheartening. I would make myself scarce while she's around, do NOTHING to engage with her, and give very serious thought to why you are still with your SO.
Gaslighting is your DAH to go excuse.
The DAH stands for Dumb A$$ Husband. From what you wrote, your DAH will never admit that HE is the problem and a very terrible parent. His princess can do no wrong, therefore everyone else is wrong. While reading you blog, it is oozing with resentment, that resentment should be centered on your DAH. There is no shame in leaving a POS that has no respect for you or your child.
Do you want your bio raised in this toxic environment? I would not put up with his crap and start to form an escape plan. I would purchase nanny cameras that have audio and place them all through the common areas of the house. Do Not Tell Anyone in the house about the cameras. This will help with proof of how your DAH treats you and your son. It will also be proof that you are not abusing the princess, because this is one of the tactics that entitled brats will use. Cover your butt with any and all proof that you are innocent.
Escape plan:
Don't ever let someone treat you or your son like second class citizens. If you don't protect your son, he may become resentful in the future of not only his dad, but you too for not protecting him. Life is too short to put up with A$$holes.
I have to echo some of the
I have to echo some of the other sentiments here. Why are you with a man that has virutally made you his live in housekeeper and nanny.. while making you a single mother to your son that is treated like cinderella?
I'm guessing that there may be some good happening too.. but honestly.. it seems like you are letting your son have the shortest end of the stick here.. at least you have your relationship with your husband (such that it is).. what does your son get? maybe if you left.. your son would be elevated to a "poor child of divorce" and get better treatment?
1st up- stand up for yourself!!
Because nobody else will.
the moment sd threw that suitcase at you when 7 months pregnant and walking down the stairs was no laughing manner. She hoped you would fall and your unborn son die. Instead of your husband seeing the seriousness of that and his daughter at that age knew better and the consequences of doing that, he laughed it off and you kept quiet to keep peace..
they've learned to take take take from you and abuse you in so many ways and you've all these years taken it like the complying person you are until you've reached a point of so much resentment and anger and snapped that this is no longer a life you feel worth living
any husband or partner that doesn't respect his partner/spouse, condones and excuses the behaviour of his feral kids and gaslights you, has no respect for you and your family unit. They continually perpetuate this dysfunction and blame others.
i met my husband 4 plus yrs after he divorced the cheating exwife, skids know this, their mum secretly married the affair guy the week divorce was final whilst skids were in school. Sd's have excused that and are ok with their marriage despite knowing full well they had an affair multiple times whilst their mum was married to their dad who worked his arse off as sole income earner whilst exwife chilled at home and did nothing. No housework, no caring for the kids etc.
yet hubby marrying me 5.5 yrs after the divorce, us having 2 kids together and sd's ending contact with daddy before meeting me and disappeared for 5.5 yrs before re-establishing contact, eldest sd was 23 and made some bullshit sob story call blaming me for why she had no relationship with daddy and he loved us more.
they ended contact before he even met me and the hypocrisy is they're ok with cheating mummy marrying in secret but daddy marries someone who cares for him and loves him well is not acceptable. They even told dad they resented my kids existing. Yeah they blamed our 1 & 2.5 yr old kids for why they had no relationship with daddy.
this was back in mid 2019. I have refused to be at any events or meet ups with them. Hubby still falls back into delusional that they're sorry and always asks about our kids except our kids have not met or been face to face with them or had any communication since late 2018 (3.5 yrs ago)
I recently told my hubby to not lie, that he doesn't get to claim sd's are nice and love their half siblings when they resent all of our entire existence and did so many things to try eliminate us out of dads lives out of petty selfishness and i will not subject our kids to this treatment
now one thing i will say and my husband has come a long way to get here is he refuses to continue that cycle of dysfunction which skids represent and will not allow us to divorce. So any issues of dysfunction, disrespect etc from skids, he does address especially adult ss he is the worst abuser of this, sd's are miniwives but skids operate as 1 selfish unit. Ss resents us and tries to paint me as a neglectful mum when alone with dad, but my husband always tells him he knows this isn't true.
my husband doesn't need to be present to believe what things i witnessed or received from skids when i tell him, skids on the other hand claim all kinds of nonsense about me and hubby shuts them down.
unfortunately, until your husband is willing to reflect on his behaviour in the past and present and work to a better future, there is no hope perpetuating this madness.
i feel very sad that your son isn't even getting an active father in his life and that his dad feels and believes the needa of teenagers and near adults superceded the needs of his minor son.
my husband has been very clear that skids as aged 26.5, 24 and 16.5 are at ages where they are and should be more independent and do not get to play the victim card and play defenseless and use my kids as weapons in their manipulative tactics. So therefore they do not require the same level of attention, nurturing and affection as our minor kids do who are 5 & 6.5.
we have had to separate households and families for this exact reason is skids are so toxic that we simply do not want to be around them. My inlaws even approached me in private regarding their behaviour.
I appreciate all of the
I appreciate all of the comments and help.....It is a vicious cycle and I do see this....I actually am the breadwinner in the family and am able to support myself without a SO....I guess the only reason I have stayed is because of my son. My parents were divorced when I was 4 (in the 80s) and I was the only one in my circle of friends who's parents were divorced. This had an affect on me slightly, the older I got....even though I know it was the best thing for both of my parents. With that said, this is no excuse. I need to begin to initate the transition of leaving. Nothing is going to change. I DO know this. As far as my son goes, he for some reason, adores his father...I am not sure why? My son does know who does the majority of his upbringing but still continues to want his dad around. Could this be he is craving his dads attention? Or that he wants a relationshipt with him? I would assume both could be true... But I do not feel he is old enough to fully understand what is happening in our household. He has made comments about how his sister never gets in trouble, etc... but for the most part, she has not been around much in the past 4-5 years. He does not have much of a relationship with either my SS or SD. I guess for the past few years I have been cautiously optimistic that he would see my SD for who she really is and begin to 'have my back' a bit more...but obviously I was wrong. Honestly, back many years ago when the "suitcase incident" occurred, if I was not pregnant I would have been long gone, so I know my reason for staying has strictly been because of my son. So ultimately I need to do this for not only me but so my son knows how to be a good father in the future, should he decide to choose that route.
Once again I as super appreciative of all of the comments and am glad I have found this site to help me vent....
Often with neglectful, abusive and narc parents
The kids know who they are but crave that positive relationship so they invent this false belief of that parent and excuse the behaviour. Happens all the time in blended families no matter how much bad they have done, the kids will excuse it as they crave that tiny amount of attention
OP...you say that you stay
OP...you say that you stay "So ultimately I need to do this for not only me but so my son knows how to be a good father in the future, should he decide to choose that route."
You are saying your SO is a GOOD role model for your son? The dad who ignores him, doesn't do any extracurricular things, blames his son for things the steps do and doesn't offer his mother any support?
Or are you saying you know it's better to leave?
Better to leave so my son
Better to leave so my son does NOT end up like his father....