Generally I count down the days of the weekend when the skids are here. I hate every minute they are around. I no longer spend any time with them and I don't feel bad about that. I didn't know when CL and I started dating that I would end up being annoyed by absolutely everything these kids do!!!

I even get myself worked up before anything even happens by playing scenarios in my mind of what I THINK will happen.

This weekend was our Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. I'm still mad that I had the option to take 4 days off from work over this weekend, but CL didn't want to switch his kids to a different weekend and I didn't want 4 days off with them... so I worked. Then the bastard let BM take them on the Monday after all that! Why not switch weekends then!?!?!? CL was building a shed in the backyard and sent the skids to "play" on their own while they were outside. What's up with that?!?? Whine all the time about how you miss your kids, then pawn them off at the first opportunity!!??? CL has just found out how easy it is to drop his kids off at their cousins house (his exes sisters kids) and leave them for a few hours. He only has them for 2 days out of 14 and he's already looking for "TIME OFF"?????? I'm really starting to rethink my commitement to CL regarding his back and forth attitude towards his kids!! He wants them to come over... but he wants them to go away as soon as they're here. I cries that he misses them so much and he's missing so much of their lives, yet he shows/teaches them NOTHING when they are here. The TV does the most babysitting in our house.

It's sickening. I just wish I had the guts to pack my bags and move out and live the life I want to without feeling like I'm being held back and guilted into a role I don't want.

Guilt factor is as follows:
We'd have to sell the house because I don't want it and CL wouldn't be able to afford it without me.
All furniture and appliances except one of the boys beds and CLs bed belongs to me.
CL would have to rent since he wouldn't be approved for a mortgage.
He'd have to go back to paying bills on his credit card since he doesn't make enough to live the life he can't seem to make himself change (taking his boys to eat out for most meals they are here)

CL has racked up over $20 000 in consumer debt alone. How does he ever expect to change that?!?!?? For awhile he was letting me pay for EVERYTHING until I finally blew up and made him get a second job and take responsibility... now he's making a bit more money, but instead of paying off debt, he's just buying more!! He wants to refinance OUR HOUSE to pay down HIS DEBT.

I'm just soooo torn in this relationship wondering if any of it is what I actually want or if I'm only staying in it out of guilt. It won't be any guilt towards leaving those skids behind... I can't wait for the day I never have to see them again.... I hate them.