I don't know why it took me this long to piece this together...
Yesterday, FDH and I went to work to do our thing, and, while we were out, SD hung out at home waiting for FedEx to deliver her school supplies - we thought it might be delivered yesterday, but it's getting delivered today (that's besides the point, though). Anyway, while we were out, SD wanted to listen to a CD that one of my friends helped her buy at the concert we went to on Sunday. FDH, knowing she would want to listen to it, showed her the speaker hookup in the living room on Sunday night so she could pop it into her laptop and listen. Well, SD decided to listen to it through our Xbox in the living room.
I found out because when I got home, I went to put on the TV and the Xbox input was on, and, when I switched it to the cable input, the volume was BLASTED to 35. So, some ladies were basically shouting at me from the TV about female hair loss. After the shock of that wore off, I lowered the volume and walked into the kitchen, where SD and FDH were. I figured that SD had asked FDH if she could use the Xbox, but, just wanted to confirm. Turns out, she hadn't. FDH told her that she needs to ask before she uses things that don't belong to her and I told her that it isn't a huge deal to send one of us a text to ask, even if we're at work. I also said that she should also be mindful of how loudly she is listening to music during the day because while we don't have neighbors downstairs, our landlord has a business and, given that it's an old building, noise travels from top to bottom, and vice versa, very easily. And, I asked that if she turns the volume above 12 in the future that she please try to remember to turn it down so that I don't have random infomercial people shouting at me when I turn on the TV.
All in all, FDH and I were being very kind about it, I mean, using stuff that doesn't belong to her is one of SD's biggest issues when she's at our house, she just feels entitled to use things and doesn't ask. We could have been a lot stricter about it all. But, SD kind of broke down. Her head dropped, she started crying, she got a stomach ache. And this is where I can't believe I didn't piece this all together before. Well, I sort of can, because there have been plenty of times in the past when SD has faked stomach problems to get out of doing things, but, I shouldn't have just assumed she was faking it when she would get upset over being corrected/reprimanded/scolded/what have you.
She was having some sort of anxiety reaction. What we were saying to her was critical of her behavior, and, even though we were being nice about it, she reacted in that manner because of something that was going on for her inside. She couldn't explain it when FDH asked her about it, though. She got so upset over this that she put herself to bed for a half hour. I talked it over a bit with FDH and said "I wish I knew what life was really like for her with GUBM. I mean, we know that GUBM becomes an unreasonable asshole when SD says or does anything that is even remotely close to what you would do or say, but, we don't know if GUBM is an unreasonable asshole anytime SD does something her mom doesn't agree with." The counselor we talk to suggested that it could also be if she's not used to having limitations and that this could just be her reaction to having them and failing to meet them. So, who knows. There are many possibilities. Maybe one day she will be able to vocalize it a little bit better, but, I won't expect her to be able to do that for a while because there are times when I can't even vocalize it right away.
I want to talk to her about it more, though, because I want her to know that it's OK and that I, too, have similar reactions when I feel like I'm being criticized by someone I care about and value in my life. I don't want to see her suffer with this, and I want her to learn that it's OK to mess up, that it's not the end of the world, things that I can't seem to ever hold onto myself. Largely because it's so rough for me to go through this on a daily basis at 31 that I would hate to see SD have to struggle with it when she's my age.
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It's absolutely ridiculous
It's absolutely ridiculous that GUBM does anything like that to SD for any reason, IMO. I told SD as such, in as nice a way as possible, on our car ride out here. And, I reaffirmed that for her on Sunday.
When we were at the concert, she was taken by how many awesome bands come through PGH - perk of being in a city. She told me she liked being in PGH, and then, when I said "that's great, I'm glad you enjoy it here, the city is pretty cool. It's not for everyone, but there's plenty of things here for everyone to do, that's for sure," she told me how GUBM flipped out on her one day for saying that she liked being in the city better than being in the middle of nowhere or suburbs. It took all my will power to not say "Well, your mom is cray-cray and has at least one personality disorder..sooo..try not to take her flip outs so personally." Instead, I told her that her mom may have taken it personally for some reason unbeknownst to any of us, but, that it isn't that big of a deal if SD prefers the city to GUBM's preference of the 'country'. She didn't know why she would take it personally, but, she did say that it's not fair for her mom to flip out on her for something she prefers if it's not what GUBM prefers, so I think she at least gets that.
Although, now that I'm thinking about it, SD did mention GUBM flipping out on her for other non-FDH related reasons in the car when we were heading out to PGH with her. She's flipped out on her for not setting the GPS "right" - basically, GUBM wanted it set one way, but, she didn't verbalize this to SD and when SD didn't read her mind, she flipped on her -, she's flipped on her for being unable to help fix her archaic computer - because SD isn't the network engineer with 20+ years of experience like FDH, so, I guess that's one time when SD was treated like shit for NOT being more like FDH...*smh*. So, yea, I have no doubt that GUBM flips out on her when she fails to live up to GUBM's unspoken expectations.
Definitely progress, and
Definitely progress, and gives me a glimmer of hope that SD will not ever have to deal with anxiety as severe as mine. Sometimes it's just plain debilitating and frustrating as all get out. GAD with aspects of social, health, and OCD, because I guess I can't just have ONE kind of anxiety *smh*.
SD has always had aspects of GUBM that she has loved, and she has always had aspects she didn't agree with - I will say she got sucked into a HUGE mode of black and white thinking courtesy of GUBM. I can say she has DEFINITELY matured since last time she was here because last summer it was all denigration of GUBM in terms of what SD didn't agree with - which, I'm guessing, had a lot to do with the way GUBM treats people who disagree with her. Maybe what I said to her last summer got through a bit? With thinking about how she feels when people do that to her? Little did I know at the time GUBM did that to her :/ I would have taken a completely different approach with her.
But, maybe now I can finally start showing her more glimpses into the fact that it's really not fair for a parent to treat their kid that way, that not all parents treat kids that way, and that it's not just her who has ever had to deal with that. I mean, I'm 31 and have been treated that way by my mom and sister for 19 years :/
We're dealing with the same
We're dealing with the same thing with SD17. BM is a screamer and a blamer, and it always came crashing down on SD17. So now she argues with DH and gets hysterical over little things. It's draining. DH isn't handling it well either. It looks like my main job is going to be running interference between the two of them in order to maintain peace in MY house. That's fine while I'm here on leave, but I'm going to have my own stressful job and life of my own once I move out here permanently.
Luckily - I guess, that feels
Luckily - I guess, that feels odd to say - SD doesn't argue with FDH about things when she gets in trouble. She just completely shuts down, cries, and gets an upset stomach over what should be no big deal. It's simply a "hey, kiddo, here's how you failed to meet the expectations, but here's how you can do better in the future" and then we move on with life.
But, clearly that's not how things are at 'home' for her, no matter how GUBM handles things.
I'm curious...does the xbox
I'm curious...does the xbox belong to a certain person? That seems like a it would be a family thing. Maybe she doesn't feel 'at home' if she has to ask permission just to use something that's in a common area?
Not saying this is the case, but it could be that she feels stressed with too many restrictions, esp. if this is how it is at the other household too.
It's my Xbox. And SD brought
It's my Xbox. And SD brought her own Xbox with her, which is in her bedroom right now. Of course, that was a whole different can of worms between FDH and myself because a) SD asked if she could bring it, but never got a solid answer and brought it anyway and b) FDH didn't tell me until she had been here a few days. But, regardless...FDH has also set the expectation that SD needs to ask if she can play games on her Xbox or play on her laptop, house rule to prevent her from wiling away the hours doing nothing productive. She can listen to music on her own Xbox as much as she wants, because it is her's, and is in her room.
This is why the counselor suggested it could be a stress/anxiety response to having any limitations at all in our house. GUBM doesn't have any restrictions on SD that she makes her aware of, but, she will scream and holler at her if she chooses to play video games or watch youtube videos all day long. Again, unspoken expectations with severe consequences if she fails to live up to them.
With our house, we have always laid out our expectations clearly to SD. She's not to use things that belong to other people without permission, even if it is in a common area. She has "idle hand syndrome" as FDH puts it, if she's bored and something that interests her is just there, she plays with it. She does it with my stuff all the time because, well, I have interesting stuff and SD and I have a lot of common interests. I don't usually mind if she asks first, but, it's the asking that is a challenge for her because she never had to deal with this before GUBM and FDH split up. Even when GUBM would have loser friends living in the house with them, everything was fair game for SD to use and play with.
Oh, I've always been a little
Oh, I've always been a little particular about my stuff because my family never respected boundaries. My mom and sister would never ask and would just use my stuff and invade my privacy. Once, when I was hospitalized years ago for depression, my mom and sister hacked into my computer to see if I was lying to them about friends that I had. Who does that?!
My mom never will, my sister
My mom never will, my sister almost did. Her husband left her a few years back, and, she didn't even wait for there to be a SM in the story. She started alienating her kids against her husband immediately after he left. Big shock, said no one. ETA: Sister's husband did come back after six months, when he realized how much CS he would have to pay out to my sister for her two kids with him PLUS the two kids he has somewhere on Long Island.
Just throwing in my two
Just throwing in my two cents. Whenever my SS is hungry, sick, high-strung or sleep deprived, his melt downs become more frequent. This is ALWAYS the case when he just got back from his Dad's (because his dad lets him stay up into the wee hours of the night). He would cry at the drop of a hat. So I am wondering if your SD was maybe suffering from some adverse physiological condition that made her more susceptible and overly-sensitive.
Well, she eats well and
Well, she eats well and sleeps well. Heck, FDH and I told her that while her bedtime during the week is 10PM, that she can stay up until 10:30 on the weekends. Friday and Saturday night, she put herself to bed at 10:00PM, even though we told her she could have an extra half hour.
The only thing I could possibly think is related to anything menstrual, but, I'm loathe to blame a natural, biological function for her freaking out, because this happens all the time and has happened constantly in the past.
Hmmm...Well it sounds to me
Hmmm...Well it sounds to me like you have a good handle on the situation. My gutt feeling tells me (and please bear in mind I am solely basing my opinion based on what you wrote here in this blog) is that this is something that will blow over. Sometimes it takes kids living living it split homes a long time to adjust to the different rules being applied at the two homes.
Oh, absolutely, especially
Oh, absolutely, especially when the differences are so dramatic and when the kid is in one place more than the other. That's one of the benefits to SD wanting to spend more time here going forward, it won't be such a weird departure from her routine to spend 11 months at GUBM's then come here for one month.
Yeah, it sounds like she may
Yeah, it sounds like she may be going from one extreme to the other. Getting whatever she wants at BM's house,then having restrictions at your's.
We have some issues with SD because of this. She has zero responsibilities at BM's, so it's a struggle to have her do things here.
I can imagine this causing a child some stress, but I think in the long run it's better for them to learn boundaries and rules...which should eventually lessen the stress because expectations are made clear to them.
BTW - what does GUBM stand for?
See, we were expecting this
See, we were expecting this with household responsibilities with SD. She hasn't struggled once here. Heck, she's going above and beyond our expectations with her responsibilities. She not only feeds her cat, she feeds both the cats. She was asked to vacuum the dining room floor the other day, she vacuumed the living room and kitchen floors, too.
I don't think we accounted for GUBM being a nutcase that screams at people for failing to live up to unspoken expectations. Which is weird because FDH knows she's like that, I know she's like that. I guess we didn't expect her to treat her daughter that way.
GUBM = Golden Uterus Bio Mom.
Oh right, right...I've heard
Oh right, right...I've heard that before, just haven't seen the abrvs. used.
I like 'crotch-dropping' which I first 'heard' on here.
Crotch-dropping is what I now
Crotch-dropping is what I now call GUBM when talking to FDH in person hahaha. We also call her asshat, but, I think crotch-dropping is far more fitting.
My FDH uses 'c*#t' a lot.
My FDH uses 'c*#t' a lot. :jawdrop: The first time I heard him call her this I was a little taken a-back, but now it doesn't phase me in the least, and I completely understand why he does it.
Bahaha, GUBM is the ONLY
Bahaha, GUBM is the ONLY person FDH or I will call a "See You Next Tuesday". I think it's just such an offensive and abbrasive word that has no place in life, outside of talking about psycho-BMs ^_^
It definitely does seem
It definitely does seem arbitrary at GUBM's. SD has told us more than once that she can use more structure in her life, and I don't think she's only talking about school, I think she's craving predictability.
We have set rewards and consequences for SD and made her aware of them. She got rewarded the other day for vacumming the whole main area of the apartment when she was only asked to vacuum the dining room. FDH and I took her to the beauty supply store to get her hair dye to re-do her blue hair. She knows that if she exceeds our expectations, she will be rewarded and that if she fails to meet our expectations, she will be warned first, but then reap a consequence in the form of losing privileges after one warning (we consider the convo yesterday her warning). We also take time out to verbally praise her when we can. Like, she's become a far more adventurous eater, so, I made a positive remark about that, I said "Wow, SD, you're being very adventurous with trying new foods, that's great!" We also try to point out to her when she's being a good kid otherwise because we know how her mom treats her.
What you outlined was the basic gist of what we told SD yesterday, but, when I re-approach the subject with her to make sure that she knows that we weren't mad and that if she was hurt it wasn't our intentions, I'm going to borrow what you wrote and combine it with what I worked on/practiced with my counselor last night. Two birds, one stone. Letting her know that hey, it's no big deal that she didn't ask permission because the world didn't stop, but, that she will have to deal with consequences for not following the house rules going forward and that it's OK to have that kind of reaction when we know things are so different between here and GUBM's house, but that we can work on that with her or give her the space to work on it herself.
Absolutely ^_^ I always told
Absolutely ^_^
I always told myself, in my late adolescence, that I would use my own crappy experiences in life to help others, part of why I got into psychology as a field. Little did I know that I would be doing it on such a personal level with SD.
I'm pretty well-versed on
I'm pretty well-versed on PAS. I've done some research and I have read Divorce Poison, gotta have FDH read that one himself when he's done with Stepmonster. I'm preparing myself for the impact because I know it's already starting. GUBM called SD's phone at 11:00PM last night, SD didn't answer because she was asleep - her bedtime at our house is 10:00PM during the week. GUBM texted FDH this morning before 8:00AM with a stony "Have SD call me." She's pissed that SD didn't answer, and I'm bracing myself for the shitstorm that we're going to come home to, because I know that GUBM is going to be a complete asshat towards SD :/
I would love it if SD would even just split her time here more. She's already contemplating coming here at least four months out of the year, she's not quite up to a "I want to live here" stage, nor even a "I want to be here 50% of the time" stage, but, there's progress. The more time she spends with us, the more she will realize that not everyone is like GUBM and that not everyone is an unreasonable crotch-dropping.
Yea, GUBM also has the
Yea, GUBM also has the maturity level of a teenager, but, I thought SD wouldn't outgrow it until she was at least a little older. But, I'm guessing she's had to mature a lot lately - which is kind of heartbreaking - and is outgrowing it soomer than I thought possible. But, it's heartbreaking because I had to mature a hell of a lot quicker than I wanted to because my dad died when I was 12 and my mom pulled all the same shit that GUBM is pulling with SD - with the exception of pulling me out of school in 7th grade; my mom waited until I was 16 and the school district lodged a complaint because my sister had been hospitalized for depression and then came at me and my mom and said "Oh, well, we don't know that you won't be exactly like that and, so, you are a liability" and essentially kicked me out. I think it's part of why I maintain such a youthful demeanor, because of being forced to grow up quickly. I wish SD didn't have to deal with that, but, she unfortunately does due to no fault of her own, she didn't ask for GUBM to be her mom :/
But, she at least recognizes the benefits of each household, in addition to the risks of each. Like, our house, she has access to peers who aren't related to her, she has two adults who are available to talk to her about anything she might want to talk about and who will support her in anything she wants to do, and she has two adults to set up structure for her to help her feel more secure. But, she also has consequences and expectations for cohabitation. At GUBM's house, she has unpredictability, but, she also doesn't really have to do much aside from yes GUBM to death and agree with her 1000000000% on everything.
It's a weird paradox for SD at GUBM's house. She is, in some regards, expected to act like an adult, but, in others, treated like an infant. Like, GUBM's idea of getting SD to socialize with kids was to, first of all, arrange a playdate (WTF) for her with kids, at a church, in a sunday school-like program. Now, no offense intended here for anyone. I was raised Lutheran and I'm largely agnostic, I still go to church occassionally but I'm not that heavily religious. SD has not been raised with any religion and it was WEIRD AS HELL for her. And, all the other kids? Half her age. But, GUBM leaves SD home alone all the time and expected her to take complete charge of her own education without any adult guidance.
For seriously! And who can
For seriously! And who can really blame them for being confused? Just angers me so much that GUBM does that to SD. But I think as long as I can keep that anger away from SD, it will be OK.