Asy's Help Me/Venting Blog
Hello to any reading this. I’m a step-mom of 12 soon to be 13 yr old girl. Her father and I have been living together, not yet married, for 9 years. She doesn’t live with us, she lives with her aunt 2 hours away. Allow me to give some background on this situation. My “husband”, who shall be called “J”was never married to the girls mother, who shall be called“A”. They had a very brief relationship in during which she cheated on him with no less than 3 guys. J and A were very young and J was on probation when they met for something he did 2 years before they met. About 7 months after the little girl, who shall be called S, was born J was arrested for violating his probation and was sent to prison to finish his probation time which was 2 years. WhileJ was locked up, A was SUPPOST to be caring for their daughter but instead she was swinging her arse around a pole in a strip club making money for her drug habit and leaving S in the care of her pilled-out mother. One night while A was at “work” the grandmother who was watching S passed out on her painkillers and somehow S got out of the house, mind you she was only like 2 at this time, and was found by the police wandering up and down a major road. To J’s shock 3 days before he was to be released from prison, he got papers saying the child had been taken away from them due to the mother & grandmother negligence and him being in prison. So the great aunt got temp-custody of S. The great aunt, ”T” upon getting the child moved 2 hours away so she could raise the child as if it were hers. Even going to far as to make the child call her mom. T is a lesbian and in our state they cannot adopt and she had been trying for years to get a child and when she had this one, she ran with it. To shorten this a bit, 9yrs later we get to see her now, spend holidays and school breaks with S.
Now comes the parenting issues… When S visits us, because there is only one bed in our apartment, as I was done as a child as well as how most kids were done, she was to sleep on the couch so she could stay up as late as she wanted watching TV or playing the Xbox 360 but NO… She wanted to sleep with her daddy, which I am COMPLETELY uncomfortable with. When I was a kid, which wasn’t that long ago, children did not sleep in the bed with adults past age 5 or 6 and they certainly did not just walk into the adult bedroom and pick random things up, checking things out. We knew our place as children. Now I am not a birth mother yet but there are things that I expect of children whether they are mine, step, niece, nephew or just visiting kids of friends. When she visits she always wants to use my things, my shampoo/conditioner, even though she leaves the tops off and water gets in them making them watered down, my deodorant, my pillow, even though she brings her own pillow with her, wants to borrow my clothes instead of telling me when she has run out of clean clothes of her own and that’s just to name a few. J and I have no private time when she is here, we can’t even have a private conversation. The last time she visited for over a week and I had to watch her while he was at work. The Saturday he work, he said he would be off work at 1pm to get tires on the car so when 2pm rolled around I texted him just to see how everything was going only to find out he was still at work. Honestly that made me a bit mad cause he SAID he was going to leave at 1pm cause his kid was over so I asked him wtf man you are needed at home you know?. He got angry with me and stormed home where we got into a fight in front of her, and as he was walking out the door to get the tires done on the car, he asked her if she wanted to go, which she said no, then he looked at me and then at her and said to her “Good Luck”…. I asked what’s that suppose to mean but he just slammed the door and left. I don’t think he fully understands what is going on. I don’t have to watch his kid for him. I could be a total bitch and tell him NO she aint mine so you do it but I don’t because I want to help him but I also want to lay down ground rules for how I am to be treated and this situation is to be treated. Also when she is here they hang all over each other. They are very clingy and it makes me uncomfortable. We visited a water park for 3 hours last time she was here and I counted 13 times she kissed his cheek and that’s just what I saw, there were many times when I wasn’t in eye shot of them to see more. I feel she is too touchy feely with her dad and it borders on inappropriate to me. She is always rubbing his shaved head, holding his hand in public, hanging all over him in stores. He doesn’t even show me, his partner of 9yrs that kind of attention and affection. I can’t even be around them when they act like that because it’s too weird to me and grosses me out. And if you have read this far I would like to ask you to help me be fair and honest with the rule and make suggestions please. So far I’ve come up with
#1 I will not babysit your kid for you.
#2 She needs her own stuff and not to use mine unless there is no other option.
#3 NO KIDS IN ADULT BEDS
#4 You two are not dating so please stop acting like it.
Any help anyone could give me would be very much appreciated. Thank you all for your time and patience.
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Comments
Wow...I really know how you
Wow...I really know how you feel especially the touchy feely Bulls**t. It totally creeps me out too...I can't stand to watch it or listen to it.
Anyone can say whatever they want about people just being affectionate and that it is great that a dad and his daughter are so close or that I am just jealous...but I know that if something makes you uncomfortable, it is not normal. An adolescent girl who tells her father every five minutes (literally)"love you dadddddyyyy" and demands a kiss on the lips each time, has to lay all over him when he sits down to watch TV on a daily basis for a long period of time, holds his hand and hangs all over him whenever they are out in public and still rides in a grocery cart and wants to be picked up like a smal child is not normal behavior.
A hug hello...an I love you and kiss on the cheek at bedtime or when someone is leaving the house, sitting next to your child (not snuggling or spooning), spending fun time with your child without them hanging all over you and demanding kisses every few minutes is what I deem as normal affection....
"They are very clingy and it
"They are very clingy and it makes me uncomfortable" I have never said anything to DH but OMFG it so grosses me out, and it is not him doing it is SD14...if he is sitting in his chair, she lays across him and takes a nap...I just want to gag. I cant decide if it is bad, or just because i didnt have that kind of relationship with my dad it is just weird to me. It is not as bad as it use to be, so I kind of think maybe she was doing it to get me jealous, but again I have never said anything, But in public if he has to choic a hand he will take mine. So whatever...I can just hope maybe if a friend of her see, she will be called out...lol
I think your rules are great, set some boudries...or maybe if kid get into bed with you, see how hubby feels if you go sleep on the couch.
I made rules for my
I made rules for my boyfriend's kids, who are adults and dont live with us. Basically, this home is mine and my bf's, NOT theirs. They dont see it that way, but I think they may be realizing I am not backing down. I dont trust them, and frankly, I dont like them. The manipulation and rudeness is off the chart. I am considering leaving, because it gets so bad at times, even though they are not here.
The potential problems with making the rules is that your bf will either say no to them (then you need to make decisions) or he will agree with them and then become a guilty dad. I have that problem with my bf, who has stopped enabling, for now, but feels so bad when he doesnt give into his kids' demands. Although he does seem to be getting pissed, bc his daughter is making some horrible choices. See, they can get worse as they get older, and that is where your bf's daughter is headed.
And if your bf does agree to the rules, expect his daughter to go crazy at first. She will, I guarantee it. Rejection is not something these kinds of kids take well.
I do feel bad for her, bc she is obviously needing so much attention. She has had a rough life, and you dont really know all that she has experienced. If your bf would cooperate and set some boundaries, maybe you could get a great relationship with this child. I dont know what her aunt is like, though, so it may not work, but I think there is some hope here.
You have every right to make your rules, though, and you sure do need them.
The hanging all over the dad at her age is not not not not good!!!! The sleeping in bed-BIG NO! That is something that could lead to big trouble down the road, even now.
I feel for you. Please stay strong.
"And if your bf does agree to
"And if your bf does agree to the rules, expect his daughter to go crazy at first. She will, I guarantee it. Rejection is not something these kinds of kids take well"
So true...If you go this route, I would tell him to be prepared, and remind him he needs to be the adult and being a parent is hard, and kids dont like it, she will whine, bitch, moan, cry, slam doors, say everything under the sun to be hurtful, and both of you need to see it for the crap that it is and stay strong.
SD14 has it down on the daddy guilt...OMG, I have to call it before it happens to get DH to see it, " guess what honey her next move is to start telling you that you love me(the wife) more than her(the kid), or how I am tearing you aprt" When that doesnt work show goes into pity party mode, nobody like me, people make fun of me, people are picking on me....every effing time...or she threats to never come over again, I so wish for the day she follows through with that...
I do have to give DH credit, the last time she pulled the "that you love her more than me" shit, he told her was not going to leave me so she would just have to deal with it...lol
When DH and I first started
When DH and I first started seeing each other 3 years ago I left the bedroom and slept on the couch because his daughter then 8yo would demand to sleep with us...the sleeping with us ended pretty quick after about 3 times of me leaving and sleeping in the living room. That is really the only time he put me first...lol
All I have to say is.... F
All I have to say is.... F that! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. See how much he likes not having you around for a while. No one is irreplaceable. Either he will man up and put his daughter in her place and you gain respect or you will be single again. Win win for you either way because the way I see it.... you are headed toward a cement wall if you ALLOW him to treat you this way and if you ALLOW him to allow his daughter to treat you this way. Guilt over not being in his child's life only goes so far.
Being that clingy is not
Being that clingy is not normal my almost 18 yr old sd follows my husband around n she's an adult it's annoying! Ground rules r good but everyone isvright step children don't do well withnrejection!
Same thing with my son...he
Same thing with my son...he says "aw gross get a room" or says "old people in love" or something like that he isn't jealous when DH and I show affection to each other...I just don't get the whole SD being jealous of the SM...jealousy in my terms is a threat to an equal situation. Since daughters and wives/SO are totally different situations then why the jealousy? One is jealous of a rival and these girls I think seriously think of their dads like boyfriends. I would absolutely be mortified if I thought for one second that my son thought of me as his girlfriend and correct the situation. WTF are these guys thinking who allow their daughters to think this way or are they thinking at all. Messed up is all I got to say.
When did he get visitation
When did he get visitation from the aunt? Is this a recent thing?
She MAY be trying to establish her place in his life or really has no boundaries explained to her.
I would buy the girl the same stuff as you but she uses her own when she visits. No more using your stuff when it is exactly the same as hers. As for the clinginess, tell your SO people look at him funny when she is crawling all over him. Maybe they think he is a little too friendly with his daughter and he is grooming her for incest. Hey, it happens!
He will fight you and call you names for suggesting this but it will stick in his head, especially in public.
I want to say in advance to
I want to say in advance to be prepared to see some bad language because I am WICKED PISSED….
So yeah, I tried to have a sit down with my SO to talk about rules, setting limits and healthy boundaries and it did not go well at all. He damn near ignored me, had the TV on and was watching American Dad instead of paying attention, and when he did say something it was to tell me that MAYBE they are so clingy because they rarely see one another, WHICH IS BULLSHIT, and “that kids probably hasn’t been held since I did it when she was a baby” , even more bullshit cause I know for fact the aunt and the aunts SO are the huggy hippy types, and “don’t tell me how to parent my kid” …… So after a hearing all this I said to him “So I have all the responsibilities of being a step-mother/mother figure to your kid but you can’t even have an adult conversation with me and respect my feelings? If that’s the case then I won’t be taking ANY parental responsibilities since I’m not the parent.” To which he shrugged and continued watching TV. :jawdrop: –Takes a DEEP breath—Ok now here is what I wanted to say.. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU DUMBASS???? Your kid is perfectly fine when she isn’t around you. She acts very adult when you aren’t in eye shot of her. You baby her there for she acts like one. And as for this “guilt “you feel for not being around her let me clue you in on something buddy, ITS YOUR FAULT YOU DON’T SEE HER MORE, YOU DON’T EVEN MAKE A SOLID EFFORT TO BE TRULY RESPONSIABLE FOR HER. You try to be her friend not her parent. You never want me to say no to her but being told no is part of being a kid. We were told no and look how well we turned out. As for where I stand you dipshit, just remember who I am and what I bring to the table. Your kid LOVES me and I love her. Who had all the tough talks with her about sex and boys because her mother isn’t around, ME! Who has picked out EVERY SINGEL birthday, Christmas and other gifts, ME! Who cooks for her when she is here, ME! Who is the one who finds out all the important issues and relays them to you, ME! You stupid fuck, you don’t know how good you have it with a wifey that supports you and your kid 100% and would cuts someone’s face off if they messed with our family. I love your kid like she was my own but you have lost your fucking mind if you think I’m going to allow you to treat me this way and completely blow my feelings off.. “
Yeah, I’m pissed off……… BUT, I’m also human and know when confronted with difficult things most times we get defensive and lash out at those closest to us, which I honestly feel my SO did., there for I haven’t cracked his skull yet for being an asshat… I’m going to try a less “ambushed” style of having a sit down with him, ask him to pick a time before Wednesday bedtime, for us to sit down and respectfully listen and talk with one another. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to make us an appointment with a couples therapist, which I know will be hard to get him to attend but by this time I think it will be a “Be there to work on us or I’m leaving you” kind of thing. I hope it doesn’t come down to that but after 9 years of working my ass off to be a good SO, role model or his kid, and better myself to be better for them, I think a little respect and conversation is due….