Newbie to ST - ex-wife to spend Thanksgiving with us again?!
The past 2 years my husband's ex-wife has spent Thanksgiving with us and I was ok with it. It was actually my idea. Last year, she was recovering from a mastectomy and I offered to take her for her surgery and for her to conveless at our place as she was alone, no family, no friends and my SD was away at college. But it occurred to me while she was here for the extended period that she was still interested in my husband. She isn't very forward so the hints were subtle, but were there. She is Japanese and let's just say being reserved is an inherent character trait.
After that realization on my part, I was no longer interested in having her at our home. In addition to the fact that both her and my SD treat it like a hotel. They don't help with anything, so I feel like a maid and the cook. My husband just tried to avoid her after I shared my concerns. But, now it Thanksgiving and again she has no one and no where to go. Now it's worse, she downsized to renting a bedroom in someone's house. Because my SD lives with us she is obligated to be with her mom on Thanksgiving and has asked for her mom to join us, which I said no. I felt bad and still do feel bad, but now my husband has asked me and I am pissed off. 11 years of marriage and constantly putting my SD needs before mine and it is still happening when she is an adult.
By the way, she lives rent free, we still pay for her cell phone and car, and she has the nerve to ask us to buy groceries when she wants something. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with a 23year old dependent. She is lazy as all hell too. She does nothing around the house to help out unless asked and lately she has been getting an attitude when asked. Her mother is the same. I am not sure what to do. I have not given into them, but fear I might.
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You're right
I wouldn't care what sad little corner BM has painted herself into, she had her chance to play happy family with my husband and it didn't work out. She needs to move along.
I would suggest a compromise since BM might not have the ability to cook herself a thanksgiving meal. How about you have your dinner early afternoon and package up a couple of meals for SD to go enjoy with BM at her house later? That way, you can keep the scheming BM away from your home and still be the good guy.
My stepsister had to split her time between our house and her dad's house on holidays and she's no worse for wear.
What you did for his ex was
What you did for his ex was above and beyond and very kind. But now it's time to get back to normal...to get back to you.
Don't give in. It's rough right now, but in time, everyone will land where they need to be. If you don't stick to your guns, you will spend all your holidays living your husband's ex life.
Stay strong. Remember why you invited the ex in previous years and remember that you were kind to do it, but it's time to settle in to a normal situation. If anyone gives you trouble, remind them most exes do not spend every holiday with the new spouse. It's not normal nor healthy.
No. It is a complete sentence
No. It is a complete sentence.
"He!! no." Is also a complete
"He!! no." Is also a complete sentence...
"SD, if you are concerned
"SD, if you are concerned about your mother being alone at Christmas, why don't you take her out to dinner? Or order dinner and take it to her?"
No is a complete sentence, and it's perfectly reasonable to say it. I had BM over one year for Thanksgiving when she wasn't on speaking terms with her family. It was hella awkward. I haven't extended the invite again, and this year she has dropped hints that she'd like to be included in ours (she's broke, it will just be the boys and her mother - no idea why she isn't spending time with her aunts and brother).
My DH and I both say NOPE. Even if he said YEP, I cook and organize, and it's half my home, so I get equal say. NO, NOT HAPPENING.
Stay strong. If they don't want to be involved with you at Thanksgiving, then they can share it with BM.
It's a no from me. I like
It's a no from me. I like what someone else said above, SD can go by BM for part of the day, take meals for the two of them, take BM out to dinner...no need for BM to play happy family with your family, especially if she's creepin on your DH.
Also, am I the only one who is wondering why this woman has no friends of her own? Most people are capable of having a few friends. If she doesn't, perhaps there is a reason.
Thank you, but I caved.
I just want to say thank you to each of you who responded. I am embarrassed that I caved; proud that I am making others happy; sad that I feel like I can't talk to my husband openly about my feelings without sounding like a bitch and driving him to drink (oh yea... he is a recovering alcoholic).
I liked the idea of sending my SD with a cooked meal to her mom's, but she lives in NJ and we are in MD. I can't believe if I feel so uncomfortable with this--why doesn't she???!!!
I just want to cry. I feel like taking off, but that would mean my kids won't have me for Thanksgiving. I might just do it anyway.....ugh!
So many emotions and thoughts all at once. I am very grateful for all of your support.
The BM is very pathetic. She is the kind of person that is always tired and life is always so overwhelming. Her daughter says she feels anxious around new ppl. She flew halfway around the world to go to college and ended up calling USA her home, but going out with another person gives her anxiety.....BS if you ask me!
I can't imagine watching someone else with your ex-husband is any less anxious.
Psycho tries to flirt with DH
Psycho tries to flirt with DH all the time. It's uncomfortable. The one thing shecame to was a disaster (kid's birthdya party, once invied, once uninvited but showed up because she's a brat.)
It's not easy and holidays are about spending time with those you love. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to welcome her into your home. I think the majority of us will agree. We won't even let the BM into our homes, let alone over for a holiday. Whatever the reason, whether we find it uncomfortable, innappropriate, invasive, etc. Each is valid. You should NEVER be forced to let someone into what's your home and your sanctuary.
I'm sorry you gave in and that you're uncomfortable. Just remember it's your choice. look after yourself. <3
Yep, happened to me too!
BM, Toxic Troll was invited to things before me, during separation "because she had no where else to go!" boo freaking hoo. What did she do? Character Assasinations of DH. To his entire family. So, she was then banned. Along came me, CLove, and heard of this but really didnt know specifics.
Toxic Feral Eldest was having a sweet (yah right) 16 bday party so we caved and invited her and her bf, Tweedle Dum. They stayed an hour and left after some lame excuse.
Cut to earlier this year for gmas 97th bday, with all the crap that she has pulled over the years. Gma, who is not quite with it, tried to invite BM. I vetoed it, resulting in Munchkin SD12 having a crying fit, I relented, and the b1tch didnt even show - she just knew she was stressing us all out with the threat of arriving.
She doesnt have the guts to face us all with everything she has done. And now Toxic Feral (Winona to those in the know), has followed in her footsteps as to Character Assasinations, and now I doubt she will show her face at a family gathering.
Those two truly deserve each other.
And the 23-year old that has failed to launch. Well thats a whole other deal right there!
Keep the skanky away from your home. I know its awkward, but emotional vampires have no place in the dwelllings of the living!