What got me to thinking about that is an op's comment about how she has to fight for her kids to get any attention from Dad when skids are there.

When DH's kids were only coming over EOW, I was pushed aside completely while he visited with them. I knew the visitation was court-ordered. However, as I was (and am) his wife, I still wanted some attention. I knew I was going to have to "not have all the attention spotlight" when they came over like I did during the week and weekends when they weren't here. However, pushing me aside completely wasn't the best thing for any of us (SDs included). This was unfair to them, but it made me resent them more. Sometimes, I think we as SMs misdirect our anger just as much as our skids misdirect their anger for others at us. But that is for another blog.

The reality is that nobody should have to be pushed aside. You shouldn't categorize people and put them on a list of who you love more. To do that is unfair to the others and question. It pits them against each other. They should all be important to you, just in different ways, and you can and should carve out individualized time for each and every one of them. When you, your wife and SKs are all together, you can show them all affection. Put your arm around them. Give them each hugs and kisses and tell them you love them. Give your wife a special glance. Talk with your kids about what's going on in their lives, and their interests. Bond with them over common interests you have by doing those things with them for an hour or two during their visits (if they're kids or adults who live far away) or once or twice a month (if they're adults who live nearby). Take your wife out on date nights weekly. Sit next to her on the couch and at the table. You can sit next to your kids when you're spending your quality time with them, and/or when you're putting them to bed. Seeing you sit next to your spouse might make them feel uncomfortable and that is normal and healthy for them to feel and want to talk with you about, but learning how to deal with feeling uncomfortable temporarily is a skill they will need in life. It is better to teach them this now, than have them learn it the hard way as adults. Your wife may very well feel uncomfortable when you show your kids affection as they are reminders that you have a past with BM. However, you rightfully expect her to make the best of it using skills she learned as a kid. It is only fair to her AND your kids that you teach the kids those same skills.

If you have kids with your wife, it is still possible to apply the above paragraph to everyone in your situation. Everybody is worthy of your love, attention and individualized time. Do things together as a family too if possible.