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I do but I don't get why

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 1:11pm

So many people get mad at the exes for things, like not communicating, not giving info, withholding visitation, moving without consent, etc.

I mean, I do understand why people get mad, because an ex doing those things amounts to pas. But I also feel, "you broke up with this person. You obviously had huge issues with them and there was miscommunication. What did you think they'd do? Did you think they'd automatically start getting along with you?"

So, what did your dh think bm would do when they broke up/divorced? What did you think your ex would do?

My dh had so much going on he wasn't thinking straight, so he didn't think much about what bm might do. She had many problems even before the divorce, so he didn't seem too shocked/disappointed/mad, but he was hurt for his kids.

Comments

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 1:20pm

There is a certain level of thinking 'they wouldn't do this to the kids'.

I think when the exs get nasty they don't completely understand they are hurting the kids, a lot more so then they are even hurting the other parent.

It gets to a point where the parent with the short stick isn't really affected by it anymore while the child is the one confused, but its natural in the beginning for the parties to expect the others to be adults about thing.. does it happen? No!

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 1:32pm

I'll never get used to the fact that some parents will do (or not do) things that are blatantly NOT in the best interest of their children in any way whatsoever for the SOLE reason of getting back at their ex.

I don't care how good, bad, or miserable their relationship was when they were together .. at some point I expect them to grow up and put their children's' need for both parents above all their petty drama.

Maybe that expectation is a bit too high for some people .. I doubt any of them care what I think (not that they should); but I won't lower my expectations to meet substandard parenting.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 3:09pm

I'm just saying that if they had trouble seeing eye to eye before the divorce that'll likely continue after the divorce. I also think that if they disagree on an issue, they should consider mediation or going before a judge.

The kids should absolutely be kept out of this. But no two people ever agree on every single thing.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 2:11pm

I personally dont understand how when there was such a communication issue in the last marriage that the new wives dont realize the communication issue was not all BM fault either. Both DH and BM did not communicate BOTH have communication issues. So when issues arise in your current marriage with your DH who obviously had communication issues before you, I dont get why all the wives run here and go ...this is how I feel this is what I think, gather others opinions and then because they are vented the wives feel better and never Communicate their feelings to their spouse

and the circle of sucky communication continues

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 7:14pm

My husband knew that BM was going to be a total and complete bitch and she was.

But, they were not in love and she had kicked him to the curb a couple of times before so I don't think he thought she would go to the lengths that she did to get him back and be so pissed when he didn't go. And take it out on their daughter.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Wed, 11/27/2013 - 8:34pm

I don't have significant exes, so I don't have this problem. DH allowed BM3 to be pretty controlling when they were married. It's the reason they divorced (one of several, he couldn't live with it anymore). I don't know what she thought was going to happen, or if he thought she would just straighten up overnight, but she didn't. She tried to micromanage and control and stir the pot in every way. And it wasn't effective. He learned right away not to engage her AT ALL when it wasn't her parenting time, and to only allow her to engage him on his terms when it WAS her parenting time. The child was 2 when they split, so it was understandably tough on her, and more so when I came into the picture.

The only issue we ever have now is that she's so self absorbed, she automatically thinks everything is about her. Everything in her mind revolves around her. I tried to give her a heads up the other night about SD feeling a little left out because we were doing a family activity on the weekend with all the other kids, and she was missing it. BM was like "Oh, I'll just take her to do that, then." Um, she wasn't upset about missing the particular activity. She was upset because she wouldn't be with her siblings when they were doing something cool, and BM totally missed it. I tried several times to explain it, and she couldn't hear what I was saying. Then she started in trying to change the holiday agreement to include herself in our holiday celebrations, after I've made it VERY clear that we aren't doing that this year.