My mother never really moved on. She was bitter and still is. She takes a lot out on my SM when her problem should have been with my dad. My dad was dating another woman when he left my mother (25 years ago). What I have learned from my mom is that you have to realize that your life does not revolve around any human being. Don't get so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else and forget to take care of yourself. Open yourself up to the possiblity that there are good guys out there and they are all not cheaters. And don't use your kids as an excuse to never date for fear of their life with a person who is not their biological parent.

AND . . . .never ever try to turn your kids against their parent (PAS). This will come back to bite you in the end. She has to talk to a therapist if necessary and have a tight girlfriend group to vent to . . leave the kids out of it.

Speaking as a child of divorce . . .

It would take a VERY strong willed person to NOT be the woman scorned. I can honestly say that I don't know if I could do it. I don't think I could never say a word about it, could be all unicorns and rainbows when listening to kids talk about daddys new GF, sendingskids to spend time with not just a woman but a man (dad or not) who blew up my family.

However, it CAN be done. My mother is living proof. My dad cheated on her and got his GF pregnant, they ended up marrying and had a son who is about a year younger than me. In all my years my mother NEVER said a bad word about my father and NEVER made his life difficult. She never asked for money, she got her CS and that was that, she NEVER asked for extras, never took him to court, never cried poverty...even though there were times she COULD have and most importantly, she NEVER involved me in her feelings for my father. The only reason I know that he cheated was because I flat out asked her when I was about 30 years old why they got divorced.

I think the age of the kids plays a big part though. Again I was just little, too little to have a clue what was going on when everything was raw for my mother. Older kids? Nope, they most likely know what is going on, whether one parent tells them or not and if kids ask why? I honestly don't think they should be lied to, to "protect" the offender (dad or not) I mean how many times have people given the advice here that dad and SM should be truthful with skids about how BM is in jail, or BM is a druggie, or BM is whatever? Same principle right?

oopsie

BM deals with it by grieving and moving forward.

BM cheated on DH, left him for the guy and they had a relationship for a few years after that. In the beginning I'm sure DH felt weird or angry or whatever about it, but towards the end of BM's and her boyfriend's relationship DH became cordial with the guy. You just reach a level of indifference and you move on. I'm sure on some level it will always be weird, but you can't hold on forever (though some do).

I don't know. DH was expected to suck it up and deal when BM cheated and left him for another man. He handled it in a pretty awesome way-he still has never told the kids the truth, even though BM has told PLENTY of lies about him.

If you love your kids like you should, you wouldnt put them in the middle. PERIOD.

Eh. I think she should let her kids make their own judgement about their father but encourage them to foster a relationship with him (barring child abuse, obviously.)

Cheating is between a man and a woman, not between a man and his kids (or a woman and her kids)--how many times do we see on this board about the BM's who cheat on their husband in their marriage, and yet the father and SM say nary a word about it to the child?

I suppose for women it's more difficult because many view the children as an extension of themselves. That love for their children as if they are part of her own body can backfire in this case--that if she hates the father, her kids must beause they are part of her. Most of the father's probably don't because they didn't carry the child like that.

Women cheat almost as much as men do, if you look at the statistics, but we are so much more prone to jumping on the man's back than the woman's about it.

There is no valid excuse for parental alienation. None. What. So. Ever.

(Protection of the children should be done through the court of law if the person is indeed sexually or physically abusing or neglecting the child, but emotional games and manipulation when the child is at stake? Save it for the soap operas.)

I know someone whose husband cheated on her with a family friend. They had kids together, and the youngest was only 8 or so. It had to have been awful...they divorced and the SM firmly planted herself at all of the kids baseball games, etc. She had never worked, so she had all of the free time to do the doctor visits, school field trips, etc-while my friend went to work every day trying to keep her job and a roof over her head.

She resented it and I know it hurt her-and she never said ONE word. Never. Kept her head up high and sucked it up for her kids sakes, and she has pretty awesome kids. She is in a much better place right now and no longer has to work, and guess who is her main critic for staying home with her new little boy???

Her ex and his wife. Go figure.

My answer in the case of an honestly good mother, not the crazy BM's that we deal with on a regular basis, she should see a therapist. Take the kids to therapy. Deal with things in a healthy way. There will be a lot of anger, hurt, hostility .. it will be difficult to face. It will be torture to sit quietly and hear from your kids about how great their stepmom is; knowing what you know about her. But it CAN be done, and as much as it sucks, a good mother knows she has to be the better person and suck it up for her kids.

I don't really care what a spouse or mistress or whoever has done to you .. it never gives you the right to PAS kids or turn them against that parent. What kids know and when depends on the kid and the age. I can't tell you how many times I've read that kids shouldn't be involved in parental discussions or decisions .. so why is this different?

In the case of the crazy BM's that we actually deal with .. our BM is convinced that DH and I sustained an ongoing affair for months before he asked for a divorce. I didn't meet him until almost a year after they separated; their divorce well under way and almost final. She has told everyone who will listen that I am a whore and the homewrecker that destroyed her marriage. I have no doubt that she will one day tell her kids the same thing about me. I am also 100% positive that she will leave out all the men she slept with behind DH's back .. you know, the REAL reason for the divorce.

I was 19 years old before my dad told me his version of the my parents divorce. My mother never did. 20+ yrs later I'm learning his version was tainted.

My dd was 18-19 before I even discussed issues of my divorce with her. Which included, alcohol abuse leading to physical confrontations, and I am dead sure an affair with SM.

Ultimately, my eh was a jack ass in the time of our life where we were married. He's not now and he hasn't been the majority of the years of our divorce. He prioritized too late for me to trust him....

A child should never know adult issues. Not until they process the information as adults and make their own judgements on their parents.

I've forgiven my eh, and I did that when I also took on some blame in the demise of our marriage.

I strongly believe therapy is the only way.

The only situation I know is my own. My Ex cheated on me, but he didn't have a relationship with the woman.

DH and I didn't cheat, but as close to it as one can get I guess... my only saving grace was the fact that BM DID cheat, so she has no real choice but to get the EFF over it and move on.

Trying to put myself in the situation, I think in order for me to NOT invlove my kids in my feelings toward their dad and SM had this happened, I would have to seek outside professional help.

Although, I have been very good about keeping the kids oblvious to the physical abuse that took place and he did cheat. I just don't think that those things are meant for kids ears. That is their DAD, they deserve to love him and have a relationship with him despite how our marriage ended.

I am able to have a decent coparenting relationship with him. I don't think any of this is impossible.

I'm glad my ex got involved with someone who was not any of his mistress' I fully admit I'm still so angry over it I'd of been BM from hell. I don't personally like his gf, but have nothing against her, and it seems from what I hear my kids and my exh have been a super great influence on her parenting (12y/o already stealing, having sex, using drugs) 2 years later that girl is on a short leash and mommy isn't her bff as she saw from my exh and I's kids parenting turns out good kids.
Now his bff emotional mistress who was the end of our marriage is my neighbor I pretend she's invisible she on the other hand told MY kids all about why, all about how I was jealous of her and my exh's "relationship" and I tried to come between them (seriously he was my husband at the time) I had to confront this with my kids and was honest about her and him. They hate her of course her weekly psycho behavior screaming rants to her boyfriend and yelling at her exh (yeah she and her bf live with her ex and kids) the crap that comes out of her mouth at their dad's in relation to me and almost everything else she says about half of my kids family members (not my family the exh's family the guy she's bff with crazy right) turned them on her.
If he'd ended up with her as a gf I'd be in jail and probably several of my ex's cousins who's husbands and bf's she's screwed around with and that's why she's the whore next door.

My ex cheated on me. I don't even know if his current wife was one of them. She may have very well been. Only thing I got from him, was that she was just some chick that had a crush on him.

Who cares? I didn't. I found out from other ways that he had been cheating on me. And that was enough. I took my son, and dealt with it. Went to counseling, sent the kid to counseling, and decided that my ex was a douchebag but I was not going to come between the relationship unless I had to. And there were a few times I had to step up.

I figured if he is just a douchebag, eventual my son will see it and figure it out. And you know, he has. But, its still his dad.

I don't hate her. I don't resent her. I feel sorry for her.... Because I'm prob the only other person in the world who new exactly what she was getting into, and knows exactly what she is going through.

My childhood wasn't great and my parents are/were alcoholics (Dad's dead God rest his soul), but they actually got the divorce part exactly right. Didn't bad mouth each other, agreed and calm visitation (my bro actually lived w/ dad and SM#1 while at college), pretty good of them I think. My dad was a drunk and a womanizer and no friend to work, once after the divorce he said to me, "don't ever let your mom blame herself for the divorce, it was 99.9% my fault".

I would love to say that if I was ever cheated on by my current partner and he left me for her that I'd be mature and accept that they are going to be in my life because of my son. The way I see it, the kids will grow up and they'll remember the parent who always put them first and put aside their own feelings for the kids well being. HOWEVER, I'm a very stubborn and can be very resentful if wronged so I dread to this what I'd be like. I'd hate to be like some of the BM's you read about on here, though. That's why I put up with so much crap from BM, end up spending most of the time biting my tongue and having nothing but good things about their mother - I want the Skids to be able to look back and remember me for being accepting of his kids from a previous relationship, not a bitter old hag.
Besides, I know it just kills her when partner can go round to hers wheneverhe likes as it proves I absolutely do not see her as a threat, lol.

.

well, in my case it was difficult to keep it from the kids because the douche had the homewrecker spending the night less than a month after the separation. She is now the SM.

She goes out of her way to tell my kids every.single.thing. that she thinks about things their dad and I don't agree (and why I am wrong- apparently being able to read a court order makes me "wrong")and PAS's to no end.

I handle it by being in therapy, focusing on my kids and what I can do for them (xh does no activities, no homework, no friends (except the homewreckers friends kids) and generally leaves the raising of them to the SM when on his time.

So I make sure I am involved in things I can be (the douche insists that all activities be separate since we don't get along- the difference is he doesn't do any activities and I do- so basically he wanted a "do not participate" free card) and we don't talk. like ever. I text him when it is unaviodable and that is it. We have maybe 2 text conversations a month. If something major comes up I will email... which has happened once so far this month.

I want nothing to do with him, his wife or their life. I just want my kids to be kept out of the middle and to be able to grow up healthy, and I want to be able to move on without the douche getting in the way.