Ever think about what you'd be like as a bm?
I do.
I know it'd be hard on me and on the inside, I'd probably want to claw the eyes out of ex and sm. But I know I'd be civil for my kids. I know I wouldn't involve them in adult issues. I know I'd use legal avenues/ routes instead of using my kids as weapons and dragging them into what should be adult bs. If ex and I couldn't come to an agreement I'd request we get a mediator to get us to a compromise, and I'd not involve the kids.
I know it'd be he11 on me but I've dealt politely with other tough issues, so I'd use that life experience to help me.
I don't have kids. I don't plan on getting divorced. But I also don't plan on hating my ex more than I'd love my kids. And trust me, I wouldn't like my ex too much and maybe hate him-we divorced for a reason- but I would not involve the kids in that.
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well for me, i am a BM....and
well for me, i am a BM....and i am NOT like these crazy BM's some of you deal with...with that being said, i do not believe that every BM talked about on here is as bad as they are made out to be...sometimes i see alot of nitpicking by some SM's towards the BM's...maybe for jealousy? maybe insecurity on the SM's part?...who knows....i can see both sides of the coin here because i live both sides...the SM i deal with IS jealous, but i think that's more my exHs' doing....i have done nothing to cause her to be this way...i have nothing to do with her...don't care about her, nor does she take space in my head....but apparently "I" take up space in hers...i am a great BM, but at the same time i am not perfect...i make mistakes just like anyone else when it comes to parenting...WE ALL DO....
now, if SM would just worry more about her own kid than she did mine maybe her kid would not be failing the 6th grade.............................................. }:)
SMs make insinuations about
SMs make insinuations about BMs here all the time. Why is it an issue when a BM does the same?
I sure as hell blamed BM when SD8 had to repeat the first grade. I'm not in their home. I have no idea what BM did to help SD. Yet, I put the blame right at her feet.
thank you Dtzy!....yes you
thank you Dtzy!....yes you are a kick ass BM and SM...that i can say for sure..
...and i WILL toot my own horn too....yes I AM a wonderful BM....any SM on here would be grateful to have me as the BM they would deal with....now, have i made mistakes?...sure i have...but haven't we all????
and again, doesn't mean EVERY SM on this site is right either.....
well if i was, he wouldn't
well if i was, he wouldn't act the way he does....
}:)
I agree glitter and dtzy.
I agree glitter and dtzy. Control freaks and bad parents come from all walks of life. Some are BMs. Some are BDs. Some are SMs. Some are SDs (stepdads).
If SM cannot parent her own kid she should be focused on fixing that as opposed to harping on someone else's kid. Just like many of our SKs BMs should be focused on getting counseling, finding a new man, ending new hobbies, getting a job/new one, etc. instead of giving us and our DHs grief.
Control freaks, bad parents, and troubled people aren't limited to being BMs.
This is so true. I have two
This is so true. I have two BMs to deal with. One is great the other is as crazy as they come.
The cool BM was a great SM to DF's oldest child. The crazy BM was an awful to SS22 and SD16. I think fear drives her actions now. I believe she's afraid I'll treat SDs 6&8 the way she treated SD16 and SS22.
So many people want to label most BMs and SMs as evil and controlling. That just hasn't been my experience.
first off Spacekadet, i don't
first off Spacekadet, i don't have a son... :? ....and second of all, the only reason i know HER kid is failing 6th grade is because my daughter commented about it to me briefly...and my daughter talks to me about how she doesnt really get along with her SMs' son (her stepbrother)........other than that, no she doesnt take up space in my head....neither does BM....and i never said BM was jealous of me...i said SM is and thats more of my exH doing, not mine....and you know what, all i hear on here is how EVERYTHING is always the BM's fault....so your second comment REALLY was the pot calling the kettle black.....but when a BM (me) calls out a SM (the one I deal with, not you) all the sudden it's wrong????/.....wow.......but thanks for playing....... }:)
yeah, Spacekadet, just like
yeah, Spacekadet, just like everytime something goes wrong with a Skid it is automacially the BM's fault ? :? .....NO IT"S NOT....ever thought that some of these skids are just assholes ALL ON THEIR OWN?????????????????....i have seen that to be true more than once on here....fact.....
I have to agree with you. I
I have to agree with you. I was a BM for years before I became a SM.
My son's SM was nothing like some of the SMs here. She didn't try to play mommy with my son. She wasn't jealous or insecure. She didn't make my son feel like a visitor in their home. If she felt like helping his dad out she did, if not she did her own thing.
My son is 22 now. He has a great relationship with both his dad and SM.
When I became a SM, I followed her play book.
^^^exactly Disneyfan!...even
^^^exactly Disneyfan!...even before i disengaged from Princess Boy, i NEVER tried to play mommy, i never involved myself in CS issues, school, etc...and i was never insecure or jealous over BM...ever....
I can't say for sure, but I
I can't say for sure, but I think I would do my best to be polite to everyone involved. Not involve the kids in any way. It's not their fault, and growing up is hard enough to do without a spazzy BM parentalizing them. I definitely wouldn't try to use them against anyone or poison them against the SM.
Treat others as you would one
Treat others as you would one to be treated. I live by this. I would put the kids first in all the decisions (joint or not).
Ew. Well, any chance you can
Ew.
Well, any chance you can release giant african hissing cockroaches in his condo if he does succeed?
I think I'd be pretty cool
I think I'd be pretty cool with everything as long as there was no abuse going on. I would not interfere or make plans or give two red cents about how the run their household as long as we all stuck to the schedule. I would also not be friendly with my ex either, just polite. Any affection I had or might have is inappropriate once we are no longer together.
I've been told I'm a good sharer with BD and maybe that helps? I enjoy letting people hold her and interact with her, because it not only brings other people joy but it teaches her how not to be shy, as being shy can be a very painful thing (DH is a very shy person.)
I've always been one of those as long as you follow the rules, you can do whatever you'd like type of people. I also never forget that everything someone else does for anyone in their lives is a favor. I never think even for a moment my parents are obligated to care for me, and the fact that they do means I'm lucky, so if BD ended up having an SM who went above just basic cordialness, I'd thank my lucky stars and make sure she knows how lucky she is.
I guess I've seen too many people in life who don't have as much, so I appreciate even what others would consider the norm.
As a BM I was all prepared
As a BM I was all prepared for my ex to find a new lady pretty quickly after our divorce - he's a good catch for someone with patience to work on the issues that drove me away (ha!).
We made our custody documentation very clear on every holiday and and such. The CS issue is also spelled out very clearly etc. I wanted to make sure that if/when he found someone new that there would be NO question about these things.
Fast forward 6 years later - and he hasn't even so much as gone on a blind date with anyone. And while our girls are almost adults (17 and 15) he and I have a very flexible/loosey goosey situation. The kids come and go from both homes as they need/want, CS is still the same, but other expenses we kinda just flip a coin - "you get this one, I'll pay for the next sport" kind of thing. Which I could imagine driving a SM crazy!
My DH is fine with the amount of communication I have with my ex (we email multiple times a week - if needed) - as it is 98% about the girls. The other 2% would be about my dog that I let him keep custody of.
If a new woman was to come into his life now? I think she would be bothered by the amount of communication, and the free range aspect of our kids' schedules. And I wouldn't blame her at all honestly. Hell I think some of the crap he and I talk about (even though about the kids) would be something he would talk to his wife/gf about and not me - even though I am the BM.
If that isn't enough - most years since the divorce we go halvsies on one or both kids' xmas presents. For example last year one got a new laptop - we split that.
Anyway - I would hope that if/when he starts seeing someone - that we could get along. Not to be besties by any stretch, but to be able to attend graduations, weddings and grandchildren's bday parties without anyone ever having to worry if we can be in the same room. That is my hope at least.
Hi Anon, i like your
Hi Anon, i like your inquisitive mind, but believe me, you have NO clue.
You cannot know how you would react until divorce hits you like a ton of bricks.
I have certainly learned a lot about myself in this process, and not all discoveries fill me with pride.
All your PC talk is JUST talk. You know nothing. We all rationalize our less than stellar moments with the greatest of ease. I think the best i can say about my experience is that these days i tend to let emotions settle and then propose peace rather than war. The problem is, when your ex - or his new wife - is not receptive, is not interested in looking for a win-win, only for a win-lose, the frustration and animosity all around grow.... and legal avenues are not always as option.
My advice is, stay marreid! Much easier that way.
"You cannot know how you
"You cannot know how you would react until divorce hits you like a ton of bricks."
Maybe not. But I've been the kid with divorced parents. I've seen how they were. They were great to each other. And then I see bm, and how her hate for her ex overrode her love for her kids (if she's ever had any).
I think that there are many people here who've been dealing with psycho BMs and while they themselves haven't gone through a divorce, seeing bm act crazy (and by that, I mean bad mouthing dad/sm to kids, pasing, withholding visitation, being rude, and neglecting the kids, etc) has really impacted their feelings and shown many what NOT to do.
I'm a BM. BS8 hasn't had a SM
I'm a BM. BS8 hasn't had a SM though. My Ex usually has a new girl friend driving him to pick up BS when he gets him about 6 times a year. I do ask BS about them, because they are people that are around my son. Usually just seems like my Ex's flavors of the month. And BS always says they are nice to him, so I am good with that.
As long as a SM doesnt try to step on my toes and treats my son nicely I am going to have no issues.
It's been me raising BS and doing 95% of everything for him. So I would be really offended if a SM came in the picture and tried to step on my toes.
My Ex and I are cordial and that is good for our BS. I would have a problem with a SM interferring in that as well.
I have a SM. My BM has been a SM. I am SM. I have been on all sides of the fence. I am nice as long as you are nice to me. I dont have any feelings for my Ex so there would not be any issues with that. I respect him as a parent when he does have our son. I dont see how him having a woman/SM would change that.
yeah....i don't take
yeah....i don't take "offense" everytime a BM is mentioned....but i DO take offense to high-conflict SM's/GF's...and there are plenty on this site as well...and if i see one, i WILL call them out for their actions...period...dot...and trust me, i am not the only poster on here that will do that...and of course i know this site is for STEPS...why do you think i am on here for??? :? ...just because i am disengaged doesnt mean i don't still have issues in this Stephell...i have been on this site more than once so it's not my first rodeo here...
Being disengaged may be what
Being disengaged may be what makes her an awesome SM.
I think my son's SM is awesome but she never did half the stuff many think SMs should do. She didn't, cook, clean, do laundry...for my son. She dididn't do do any parenting but she was still great.
I am a BM. I get along really
I am a BM. I get along really well with my ex as does DH. When he has a girlfriend and when he doesn't. Nothing changes in our parenting roles. He has enough respect for me to make sure that anyone he dates knows that we get along and if they aren't game for that program, then they are gone. He has dumped a girl for talking bad about me. She had met me once, for about 2 minutes and I was literally as nice as anyone could possibly be. They were arguing one night and she threw out there "are you even sure if those are YOUR kids"..?!?!? WTF? We were married for 2 years before I got pregnant. And infidelity was NOT one of the issues we had. He kicked her out of his house and never talked to her again. BTW... my kids look JUST like their dad. Seriously, no denying them.
And even at that, I told him not to break up with her on my account. His exact words... "I didn't break up with her for you, I did it for the girls and me. We don't need that in our lives". DH and I respect him and he respects us. It works out beautifully.