What to say to a kid for a mother that is MIA
If you check out my other blog entries and comments, my situation is a s* storm. If this is your first time reading well..to put it simply my SS mom has been in and out of his life. She has borderline personality disorder. She was diagnosed with ODD when she as 4. I have been in my SS life since he was almost 2. Raised him since. His mom will go 6 months, few months, right now on 8 months not seeing her child. I honestly think this time she has given up...a blessing in disguise.
SS didn't call his BM mom until last year when she was seeing him on a consistent basis for 2 months. It was a mistake to ignore that she only had visitation rights. When he came back saying "(my name) dad and (baby brother) are going to hell after seeing his mom, he hasn't seen her since. (A 5 year old mind you. He doesn't even know what heaven and hell is. Dad is not very religious.)
He's been a very difficult kid since. And as normal as it may be, SS is in denial of his moms abandonment. We're tired of giving him false hope. He says things like his mommy is getting a house for just him and her, mommy lets me play video games all night mommy does this not that blahblahblah.
So
We are at the point (with his own mom's parents approval)
Where we are telling SS his mom's brain is very sick. There will be times where she'll be better but most of the time she'll be back to being sick.
Which is all true. She'll have some months where she SEEMS sane and then most times she's a nutcase.
SS is saying random weird things
Talking about the movie Bambi I haven't seen in years and was asking the dad I don't remember what happens to the mom. SS replies that the mommy ran away from him.
Another weird one, asking me if mommy has a baby because he hasn't seen her for a long time..?
So what else are we supposed to say?
He's not the kind of kid that will drop a subject he just keeps asking questions...
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Comments
You need to get him into
You need to get him into counseling. He's been through a lot at a young age and needs a mutual party to help him sort through his emotions. It would help if you and your DH would also go to sessions with him so the counselor can give you guys advice on how to help him and your family. That is really step 1.
Definitely counselling. It's
Definitely counselling. It's really important to do it now while he is young and receptive. You and your SO need counselling as well to learn to deal with the issues that are presenting themselves..and also to get some insight on how to handle future visits of BM. If you could develop a game plan ahead of time you may be able to prevent some of the damage that can and will be done.
Good luck and take care!
Counseling, for sure. BM
Counseling, for sure.
BM gave permission for you to tell SS that her brain is sick? Gosh I wish we could give SS full disclosure. It would make this whole process so much easier.
Bm's mom and dad gave
Bm's mom and dad gave "approval"
Get him into therapy. It has
Get him into therapy. It has made a big difference for my SS7 who was 5 when I came into the picture. His BM left when he was just a few months old and when he does get to see her she fills his lil mind with all kinds of craziness. They really try hard to get the mom's approval and having another person besides family to talk to seems to help them process the situation.
There's no way we'll get BM's
There's no way we'll get BM's approval. She is literally MIA. We don't know where she lives exactly except when I've creeped around in the Internet seems as though she's with her boyfriend. We haven't spoken to her in almost a year. Her parents cannot reach her either, and BM blames her parents for her situation.
We didn't get MOMS approval to tell him she is sick. We got her PARENTS to approve. We assume they know what's best to do in this situation since they know their daughter the best, and they have a blended family like ours.
I have tried to talk to the dad about counseling but he's been resistant. I'll try to bring it up again when the issues are more obvious where he can't deny it anymore.
I am on the fence about counseling for him as well. If anything I would try a child psychologist..in my experience of a child that has been damaged, counseling, therapy, and psychology are like night and day. And then maybe family counseling on the side. He has a hard time expressing his emotions other than anger. I have talks with this child every morning before school and it highly concerns me that I can tell he wants to cry and then the next second he sucks it up like nothing just happened.
His mother only has WATCHED visitation 4x a month. Our mistake was letting him go to her house unsupervised. BM has admitted in the past that she thinks he acts this way because of her genes..but now we think she was just saying that to mask that she is still unstable..and she always will be.
We're done giving him false hope. As a child who has lived with a mother like his mom I can personally say BM is doing a good thing by staying away, whether she's not seeing him for selfish reasons or not it's a blessing in disguise. I told my SS my mommy was very sick and j was with her every day and his mommy loves him so much that she is letting us take care of him because she can't and I wish I could've had that. (Obviously talking her up more than she deserves).
The thing is she'll never get
The thing is she'll never get better so I refuse to tell him that. I told SS there will be times where she feels better for a little bit but she'll get sick again so don't be sad
The dad and I are out of
The dad and I are out of words and the dad isn't very careful with what he says. He has a lot of hate towards the mom for obvious reasons.. I told SS to ask his grandma (BM's mom) if he wants to talk about his mommy or has questions about her. Who better to ask than your moms mommy right..?