OT- Having a Hard Time Standing up for Myself

I was abused as a kid by my mother. Any and every little thing I did wrong I was severely beaten. One time we were at church and there were some new people there. My mother told me to say Hi to them. I said I didn't want to because I was shy. She took me into the bathroom and beat me really bad. I remember she took me back out to the couple. I was crying so bad from the beating but I managed to chock out the word "hi" to them because I was terrified if I didn't I would get beaten again. I was 5 years old.

One time my mother told me to hand her a hairbrush. It was right in front of me on the desk, but for some reason I didn't see it. My mom reached over, grabbed the brush and smacked me in the head with it. I got to the point that if someone made a fast move towards me, I'd cringe.

Even though I am now an adult and have gone to therapy for the abuse, I still have a hard time standing up for myself.

I also notice I'm afraid to hurt other people's feelings, even when they've hurt mine.

I notice I don't have the problem as much when I'm on the phone. I think that's probably because subconsciously I know they can't reach out and hit me. But when something happens in person I have a hard time standing up for myself, like at work or at the store.

A situation happened last night and I feel terrible that I didn't speak up. Last night I was signing my D8 up for soccer at the local recreation center. One of the ladies behind the counter saw my D8 and said, What a pretty little girl. I looked at my daughter, expecting her to say thank you but she just stood there. I was about to tell her to say thank you, but before I could get it out, the lady came over and tapped my daughter on the forehead! Not hard, but I couldn't believe she hit someone else's child. I wanted to say something, but I just stood there.

D8 said she did say thank you, but she said it so softly no one heard her. Yes, she should have said thank you, but that lady had no right to hit my child. You don't hit someone else's child. I should have said something to the lady, something like "Please don't do that." but it's like I reverted back to the abused little child I used to be and clammed up. (You can't get beaten for saying nothing).

I feel terrible. I always tell my daughters to stand up for themselves, but what kind of example am I showing them if I can't even do it myself?

I'm a grown woman, 37 years old, and yet, I still find myself being intimated by people. When a confrontation occurs, I become that 5 year old child again.

How can I get over this mind set that someone will hurt me? I don't want to get into fights, but I need to learn how to stand up for myself.

amber3902's blog
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She tapped your daughter on

She tapped your daughter on the forehead why? Because she didn't say "thank you?"
I'm sorry, but THAT would have been a full on brawl had it happened to MY child. You can't do anything about it now, but you just showed your child that it's ok for someone to hit her, touch her, bully her and stand there and do nothing.
You didn't have to fight, you could have simply said "Excuse me ma'am, you should know better than to touch another woman's child. Don't you ever do that again." That would have been enough for her to take a step back.
I'm sorry you went through such a horrible experience, continue therapy, it may help.

>>You can't do anything about

>>You can't do anything about it now, but you just showed your child that it's ok for someone to hit her, touch her, bully her and stand there and do nothing.<<

That's why I feel so terrible. I set a horrible example for my child.

I wish I had the nerve to do something, but instead I just froze up. My body might be the body of a grown woman, but in my head I reverted back to a 5 year old child.

Teaching moment. You are

Teaching moment. You are obviously a loving and kind mother, and have already overcome a lot to make sure you don't let your past control your daughter's future. Congratulations. That is already huge.

You can sit down with your daughter and talk about what happened. Ask her what she remembers, tell her what you remember, ask her how she felt, tell her how you felt... (age appropriate of course, your feelings shouldn't be her problem if you know what I mean). Then, ask her for some ideas about how YOU could have handled it differently, how SHE could have handled it differently. Then you talk about some ideas yourself. Talk about what feelings inside make executing these ideas hard to do.

Ask her about other situations where she's felt similarly. Ask what she's done in the past, and what she'll do next time. Maybe this isn't the example you want to set in the moment, but you can grow and change too. There will always be a next time - and next time you will do at least a baby-step better than the last time. And eventually, this will be a non-issue. For you and for your daughter.

Thanks for your kind words,

Thanks for your kind words, Moeilijk. I am already beating myself up about this situation, so I appreciate you focusing on the positive.

I did tell my D8 that I regretted not saying anything, that I was so shocked it happened I didn't know what to say or do. Not that I was trying to make excuses for not speaking up, but I tried to explain things in a way her 8 year old brain could understand.

I like how you say this is a teaching moment for me. I will have to make baby steps instead of expecting myself to be this super assertive, stand up woman on day one.

Amber, Sometimes you do not

Amber,

Sometimes you do not have to say a word. Had you stepped in front of your child and simply made eye contact with the woman and given her a 'what the hell' look she would have backed up and apologized herself.

Myself? The woman would have tapped my kid and woken up on a gurney.

^^^For real^^^^ That would

^^^For real^^^^
That would have been on Youtube as Soccer Mom goes Postal. Zoom shot on the mother jumping across the counter and ripping out every hair on the chics head.

I'm sorry for what you had to

I'm sorry for what you had to go through as a child. If I would have been there I would have run off at the mouth and caused a scene and made her say thank you. " Thank you ticked for teaching me to never lay a finger on anyone elses child". Had it been my DD sorry nope all of those fingers would have been borken ever last one. Would have cracked some of those toes too. Please do not try my child it wont end well. Again I am very sorry for what you had to endure it broken my heart reading that.

Thanks, ticked off. I WISH I

Thanks, ticked off.

I WISH I had said something, anything. But instead I froze, I clammed up.

How can I get over being afraid to say something?

amber3902 welllll. I have

amber3902 welllll. I have never been afraid to speak my mind. That is a problem I have. If you don't start any problems with me we wont have any problems. For you I would say its going to be hard because you have been through something so tramatic that I'm sure was hard to share. Just keep reminding yourself if you stick up for no one stick up for your child. If you saw someone seriously abusing your child would you stick up for her? I your not sure or your afraid you will clam up be honest with yourself and seek appropriate counseling. I would sit down with your DD and tell her that mommy has been through alot when she was little girl that mabye she will tell you about when your older but just know mommy loves you and she would give her life for you and never ever let anything bad happen to you. also let her know that what that lady did was wrong and it is never ok for anyone to put their hands on her and that you should have said something and your sorry you didnt it just made you think of bad things. If you haven't already I would have the good touch bad touch talk and throw in that no one puts a hand on her and no one yells at her that isn't mommy or daddy.

I'm sure if someone was

I'm sure if someone was REALLY hurting my child, I would step in, but it would be more of a "willing to sacrifice my life" mind set.

In this situation, it happened kind of quick, and then I wanted to say something, but then other people were around, and I was afraid to make a scene. And I didn't know if I was over reacting because the lady really just lightly tapped her.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm just trying to explain my thought process in this situation.

I think next time I'm just going to say something, and then deal with the "feeling bad" feelings afterward.

I did tell my D8 that I regretted not saying something to the lady, and next time I see the lady I'm going to pull her to the side and tell her not to ever touch my child.

There's been other times, like at work, when someone has said something to me, and I've just taken it and not said anything. It's like my brain just locks up and I can't think of what to do or say.

Well if anyone ever has the

Well if anyone ever has the nerve again just lean over and whisper " Keep your hands to yourself please". So you wont start a scene. If she starts a scene you handle yourself or you walk away and just say don't put your hands on my daughter for your DD's sake. I'm not going to tell you to get violent and ignorant like I would have. Tha's not everyone's way of handeling things.

That's good advice, thanks.

I don't think the other girls

I don't think the other girls get it- they have been allowed to protect themselves. They have a healthy automatic response system. It is instinctual for all of us, but many children learn early on to work against the instinct. People like us have to actively relearn this basic thing. I just left a long reply at the end. I felt the need to interject while reading others replies. I saw you, once again, beating yourself up.

Yup, I agree, she should

Yup, I agree, she should practice. Even in the car alone, or in front of a mirror. My DH asked me once how I'm so sharp tongued and always have an answer to everything. I told him "I practice it out in my head so that if I am ever in the situation, I already know what I am going to say."

>>You were trained to cringe

>>You were trained to cringe and shy away from conflict or abuse for years by your awful mother.<<

Yep, that's the problem. I've even been afraid to speak up when I've gotten a bad haircut.

I think I need some reconditioning, like how they trained that dog to drool whenever he heard a dinner bell.

Unfreakingreal - that's the thing, my brain locks up and I can't think of anything to say. Then I get mad at myself more than the person. I used to be so bad I couldn't even talk back to people on the phone, now at least I can handle phone conversations, but still in person I struggle.

I'll have to start practicing like you do.

Thanks Sue, Like you say, I'm

Thanks Sue,

Like you say, I'm anchored in the fear that something will happen because something bad always did happen whenever I spoke up. The things I've described my mother doing, I can't even go into the horrible mental torture she put me through.

Maybe someday I'll blog about it somewhere. I just hate that my knee jerk reaction is to cringe like that 5 year old child.

Like you say I have to force myself to react, do or say something.

I think you can do this. The

I think you can do this. The ladies here have had really good advice about practicing, and this is something that will help you 'arm' your daughter too. She's going to be in situations - dating, for example - where you'll be glad you've taught her that it's ok to stick up for herself.

I have a friend in law enforcement. She did all kinds of training courses - everything from driving and evasive maneouvres to interrogation and apprehension techniques. No way did the agency she worked for put her out in the field without LOTS of practice beforehand.

I have my own experiences, on a much smaller scale, but then, emotions are not so easy to measure, so I know the frozen feeling and the fear of your own 'negative' feelings. If you even feel inside that you're not happy with someone else, it's paralyzing. But with practice you'll have a new automatic response that YOU chose for yourself.

holy mother of satan...I JUST

holy mother of satan...I JUST agreed to something SueU2 said.......FML........ :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Amber - I am a little bit

Amber - I am a little bit like you, afraid to stand up for myself - either that or I go over the top berserk.

Some years ago I went to assertiveness classes and they really helped me. I would recommend you might try that. If you can't find any classes, then try to read Anne Dickson's book "A Woman in Your Own Right" - it takes you through the many aspects of assertiveness training. Good luck, and well done for telling us all about your mother's abuse. I too had an abusive mother, but it was emotional, not physical. Any type of abuse is wrong.

(((hugs))) Kes. My mother

(((hugs))) Kes.

My mother abused me physically and emotionally. The physical scars are gone, but the emotional ones stay with you for life. Any kind of abuse is wrong.

I did already do a quick search for assertiveness training but didn't find anything local. I've thought of taking some boxing classes, maybe just the thought of knowing I can kick some a$$, I won't be so afraid to speak up all the time?

Amber, thank you for sharing

Amber, thank you for sharing your story. It is such a difficult story ... to even read, forget live it! I think you should be very proud of yourself: you got the much needed help, just finished your degree ( congratulations!!!) while working FT, got out of relationships that did not satisfy you ( yeah! one more time) and can now enjoy a happy family life. That is FABULOUS!

You dealt with the cards you were handed in a way that makes me proud of you. Your daughters will be proud of you when they learn your story, if they do not know it now. Your difficulty finding words on the spot is understandable, but please do not be so harsh on yourself. You are a good mother and I doubt that your daughter was traumatized.

I absolutely understand how you feel, and remember witnessing my son's 3rd grade teacher yelling at him at the top of her lungs one time 8 years ago. He had language processing difficulties, and yelling really would not have helped him understand. I was livid, but i also have to tell you: i was probably more shocked than he was. That teacher was a yeller. An old yeller She yelled at kids every day. Thank god she is out of our lives.

You may want to look into teaching your girls to be assertive. Playing soccer should help with that, actually. I remember the days of indoor soccer! Those were good time. Hope your daughter's team has a great season!

Pilgrim Soul, thank you so

Pilgrim Soul, thank you so much for your encouraging words.

My worst fear is that I become like my mother. Most of the time I try to forget my childhood, try to suppress those memories, but then situations like this pop up to remind me, hey, you're still that abused little kid!

Yes, I've tried to play the cards I was dealt the best way I knew how, and hopefully be a much better mother than my mom ever was.

Most of the time I do just fine, sometimes I even speak up for myself, but then, like a bad habit, I sometimes revert back to that scared little child.

Thanks for your encouragement, it is helpful to think about what I have accomplished, instead of focusing on the failures.

OMG, I keep commenting lol!!!

OMG, I keep commenting lol!!! But this "My worst fear is that I become like my mother. Most of the time I try to forget my childhood, try to suppress those memories, but then situations like this pop up to remind me, hey, you're still that abused little kid!" is EXACTLY why I didn't enjoy being pregnant and was afraid to touch my daughter for the first few days of her life.

But I also know that that's not the whole story. I will never ever be like my own parents because I CHOOSE to control my behaviour no matter how I feel. I make mistakes, and sometimes even behave badly even though I know better... but I would not, could not, hurt my child the way my parents hurt me. I will not ever become so angry and hateful towards myself. And like a lot of new mothers (my daughter is not quite two months old), I have already had to let her cry in her crib while I went into another room and sobbed out my own frustrations. But, like all GOOD mothers, I dried my tears, composed myself, and went back in with love in my heart and my hands. (Heh heh, I also called for backup and knew reinforcements were on the way - that helped!)

Well, thanks for the

Well, thanks for the additional comments, Moeilijk. I appreciate all the input.

It's tough fighting against being "just like our mothers". I also CHOOSE to control my behavior, however, there are certain instinctual reactions to things that you sometimes do even before you think about it.

There are still things I'm finding, even at age 37 that are still with me - such as not always being able to speak up for myself.

(((amber))) i know. check

(((amber)))

i know.

check out the book "growing up in mama's club". amazon will let you read quite a bit of it in the 'peek inside'. unfortunately what we dealt with was all too commonplace in that type of environment....

ETA- quote from the book's description " "Mama's Club" should prompt readers to rethink the influences that underlie their own childhood, encouraging them to better understand that a full life is created not by what happens to us, but by how we make sense of events over which we had no control." you can make sense of this, amber. you had no control over it as a child. and you CAN overcome it and find your backbone!!! just keep in mind, that with us, it'll always be a process... my brother still feels weird at christmas, and he's been out for 20 years. ((hugs))

Thanks, TuffNoogies, I just

Thanks, TuffNoogies,

I just read through some of the preview, ugh, hard to read.

You know sometimes my mom would make me read that scripture in the bible - "children be obedient to your parents..." before she would beat me.

Thank you, yes, it is a process, I still feel weird sometimes saying Merry Chrismas, LOL.

snort yeah they took that

*snort* yeah they took that 'rod of discipline' waaay too far at times!

Amber, google "Fight or

Amber, google "Fight or Flight response" and start reading....

Your past is very tragic, and I am sorry that this happened to you, but your reaction to this stressful situation is (believe it or not) totally normal!

My director just went for a week-long training in Cambridge where Psychology professors give lectures on this very subject. People in high-stress jobs must learn to deal with this (dealing with stressful/high conflict situations). EMT's, professional athletes, lawyers, etc. You can train your brain to think and react on the fly.

It starts with simple exercises, but like any exercises where you are training your brain, it's a journey that never ends...But always remember that deep inside, you are still a good person.

Googling now, thanks.

I haven't read the other

I haven't read the other replies yet. Just wanted to say that you sound a lot like me. I have gotten a lot better at standing up for myself (and what I believe) but that was not at all how I grew up. DH thinks it's just the simplest thing in the world to defend oneself.
What that lady did was not right. She caught you off guard then skidaddled. I really don't see this being about your lack of confidence because the lady was so sly. Most people would have been more shocked than ready to put their dukes up. Who expects an attack from someone who just complimented you? If she had been a straight up in your face aggressor, have no doubt you would have protected your daughter. This was a sneaky bitch so don't beat yourself up about your reaction.

Now, here's your next step. Find out who the bitch is. A mother? Teacher? Just find out and watch her like a hawk. One day when you're feeling particularly ballsy, you can approach her and tell her to keep her fucking hands off your daughter. It is very likely you will have another chance to defend yourself from her, and this time she won't have the element of surprise to her advantage.

Thanks, Generic, Sometimes

Thanks, Generic,

Sometimes I'm able to stand up for myself, but it's the times I fail that get me down, like this situation.

You're right, I wasn't expecting her to come over and tap my child. There was another situation where a child in my daughter's class was picking on her. I did call the mother and talk to the mother about her child's behavior, so if it was an out and out attack I'm pretty sure I would have handled it differently.

This was a rather sneaky attack. And I was going to say something after the other lady finished my daughter's registration, but she left before I could say anything.

The lady was an employee at the recreation center, which is another reason why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want her taking it out on my daughter in some passive aggressive way - mixing up her registration, or something like that.

For all I know, she could wind up being my daughter's soccer coach and I did not want to get off on the wrong foot with her.

I know if I do see her again, I am going to pull her to the side and tell her what she did was not appropriate and not to ever touch my child again.

Stop feeling guilty about it.

Stop feeling guilty about it. You messed up, we all do. I have the opposite problem you have. I am hotheaded and there have been times when I have went off on people in front of my daughter. Yes they probably desrved to be addressed, but not the way I attack. I have let my daughter know what I did was wrong and I should not have handled it that way. As a parent I think we owe it to our kids to admit our faults. I would imagine part of you was in shock as to what just happened, next time it sounds like you will be ready.

Thank you for pointing out the positive in what I did. Maybe I could have handled it better, but I tried to handle it the best I could with my mental state at the time.

Thanks, keekeedee. hugs to you, too.