you are not over-reacting. Hold on to your man, and make your boundaries clear to both DH and BM.. It would be DH's responsibility to clear it up with BM. Try not to lose it with DH, because we don't want to push him towards her, but you can make things clear without fighting and getting into it.

Men don't see the tricks women play, he probably thinks she is just being nice, but it has been my experience that you can't trust nice...

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

but one of the most important lessons I've learned- and one I share with everyone is "assume the good"

This does NOT mean trust blindly! But what if she did say to herself "geez all this bickering is making all of us miserable, I'm going to try to be nicer" (I do get that she probably didn't say that to herself) But if she did, if you (or hubby) respond in kind- while gently maintaining appropriate boundaries...then this could really morph into a better co-parenting relationship right?

If she didn't say that to herself and you guys are being nice back to her- again maintaining boundaries, then it might encourage her down that co-parenting path...

if you guys immediately circle the wagons and convey- through words or actions- that nothing has changed, the same old fighting positions remain...then if she was holding out that olive branch, she'll take it back, and if she wasn't- you've just encouraged her into the same old same old.

does it hurt anything to try to take this the amicable route? not at all...

hubby just needs to make sure those boundaries are maintained, and when possible gently so as to not disrupt the progress that has been being made.

my .02

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

You had better say something. I don't know where you and BM stand but when my bf's ex was not even being weird but just friendly (she is not a friendly person), she ended up sending him picture messages of her and trying to get him to bring her lunch and all it took was me calling her up and telling her "look i don't know who you think you are, or who you think i am, but there's a reason you are not with him and i am and this is not how things are going to be. we talk and i know when this stuff is happening and it's not going anywhere" and i swear to this day she has not tried anything. See a little back story, she cheated on BF numerous times with his "friends" and he didn't find out until it was over, but she cheated with people who had girlfriends that she was "friends" with and the girls knew and never confronted her, so she isn't used to being told no or to being confronted. I think a big part of her thought she had enough of a hold that BF wouldn't tell me, and she was right because he didn't, it took me checking his text's, but she knew from really early on where she stood and it's been fine ever since. Not to say that the BM in your situation will do the same and back off if you do but yes FH should definitely tell her that it's inappropriate for her to be trying to do things behind your back, you two are a couple and it is not going to happen. And you should probably make it clear to him that if he doesn't draw the line with her that you will not be sticking around for it. Do not play second fiddle, you're better than that.

I would ask DH to tell her, Amaurea and I would love to come, thanks for asking! No little pretend family time, unless you are included!!!!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

sure do...keep your eye on her!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I don't know what kind of relationship (or lack of) that you and BM have but I know that the BM I deal with will only be nice when she has something up her sleeve.

Don't let BM sneak her way back into FH's life. I would maybe give her the benefit of a doubt if she had been willing to include you in these "family gatherings" but since she's trying to leave you out and bring FH in, you need to keep your guard up. She's not trying to co-parent if she's leaving you out of the "parenting". Hang on to your man! Have FH stand up to her and tell her that she's not going to be part of his life now or at any point in time.

Make sure that he understands where you are coming from and turn the tables on him, if any guy, whether they were your child's father, a stranger, any guy were to invite you to dinner with him and SPECIFICALLY tell you not to bring FH would he not be mad??? I think not.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I would feel exactly the same way. BM's can be totally crazy and yours, like mine, probably thinks that she will end up with your guy. Mine has actually said this and despite being a heinous you know what for a year, she is crazy enough to think that she will get back together with my husband someday. You can't do anything about her behavior or motives, although she is being completely inappropriate and out of line, but you can tell FH how it makes you feel and it is up to him to set good boundaries with her. Her boundaries are completely out of line and inappropriate and you can't do anything about that, but your FH needs to respect how you feel about this, even if he is too naive to see through her manipulative behavior. She sounds uber-pathetic and if it's any comfort, I seriously doubt she would get anywhere with her sad little plan. Men tend to not be able to see the truth behind manipulative behavior of BM's and they seem to have a goldfish's memory when it comes to remembering the horrible previous behavior of a BM. They tend to take people at face value and that makes them perfect targets for manipulation, but you don't have to let that happen. Point out that he said she wouldn't want to hang out and then invited him AND tried to exclude you in her weird invitation. It's okay for her to be civil (although I agree she's probably faking it for some sinister purpose) but it's NOT OKAY for her to be friends with FH. BM and FH's relationship should be strictly limited to brief discussions about the kid's needs and drop-offs. I think it should be a business-like and professional relationship and that your personal life should be kept separate from hers. She can't be trusted and whether your FH understands or not, he needs to respect your feelings on this. Who comes first, you or her? (the correct answer is you). Good luck! I hope this beeyatch backs off and finds her own man instead of making a pathetic play for yours.

That's awesome! This situation hit home for me because I had a similar kind of situation, but like your situation my husband would never ever hang out with her, but I think the hardest part is when the BM doesn't get the idea. If you say something than she can just write it off as you trying to keep her away from your guy, so it really does take your guy setting clear boundaries rather than you. It's so frustrating! Sounds like you have a great handle on it though, that;s just what I would do and it's a comfort to know that your FH wouldn't hang out with her. My problem is that even after he set clear boundaries, my BM is convinced that he is only pushing her away because of some evil sway that I hold over him. She genuinely thinks that if I were out of the picture she would have a chance with him! I don't worry at all about my husband spending time with her because he has complete contempt for her in all ways, but because he is civil to her (for the sake of the kids) she interprets that as him liking her and not having a problem with her. It's so ludicrous, given her insane behavior over the past year, I really don't know how she can possibly think that he can stand her. We make fun of her all the time as a way of dealing with having to see her and my husband might just hate her more than I do, but she refuses to believe it. Aaah, denial. Anyway, it's good when husbands or boyfriends set good boundaries, but has anyone been in the situation where the BM doesn't back off emotionally even though the husband is setting clear boundaries? I know I can't change her or her behavior, but I would like to be better about letting it go and not caring what she says or acts like. It's not a major issue because my husband avoids her like the plague and keeps everything business-like, but it still bothers me that she doesn't see the situation as it really is. Maybe this is major detachment time for me?

thought that he would always get back with her.
she would ask him to stay at her place (on the couch) so he could spend as much time as he could with his "family"
after he started dating me, he stopped sleeping on her couch and she pitched a holy fit (or hellish?)
he made it clear that he it was inappropriate to stay her place 1.because it gave the kids mixed signals, 2. it gave her false hope and 3. it was not right to me.
I didnt make a big deal about it cuz I knew how he felt about me and how he didnt feel anything for her, but it is only right that the line is drawn.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

no your not over reacting because its she realized she lost a good guy and wants hime back or she hates the idea that you and him are together either way she is trying to do something, my BM can be like that so me n DH sat down n figured the best way to go about her is I talk to her because honestly theres not that much to talk about its a once in awhile thing of talking, its o crap can we change wkends or can we switch who's driving which way or (this is the one i have to do the most) WHERE THE HELL ARE SKID PILLS SHE NEEDS THEM EVERY NIGHT WHY DIDNT U SEND ANY?! but ya for me and DH it works better i talk it can be so frusterating but when it comes down to it i never have to even think about them exchanging words or what she's trying to pull w/ him!

**kats**