frustrating home dynamic
I have been living with skids almost 4 years now. They were 4 and 9 and now 8 and 13. I have always found the 8 year old hard to live with. While he is a nice kid, he always needs to be the center of everything. He basically owns the living room and watches youtube and is on his phone all day. I have tried to discourage this but now I welcome it because he needs constant attention when not on screens. He say "mum," every 2 minutes and during conversation and it drives me nuts. He is constantly asking for things, so tired of hearing "I want" and "can I have." He never plays in his room and will never go outside without one of us with him. He will not even attemot to make friends with neighborhood kids and never wants to have school friemds over. He has to take over every conversation and make it about him even if it has nothing to do with him. He talks non stop and is completely pointless drivel just to have attention. He also has to point out everything he does at dinner. We were in a townhouse because we live in crazy expensive BC Canada. My wife convinced me to buy a house during the covid craze last year because she thought it would make him go outside more (not the only reason, but part of it for sure). I reluctantly agreed and bought to make her happy. Now we have a huge mortgage, a home that has reduced in value and 0 change to the home dynamic. Her SD and I spend a lot of time in our rooms and my wife gets upset with us, she refuses to see the reality of the situation. If he is not there (which is rare), SD turns very clingy because she gets no time. SD can have a big attutude and be rude but my wife sees it. I have tried to make her aware of her son's behavior but she just doesn't see it. I am fully award that she is a huge factor in this, he is fine if she goes out. The dynamic between them is so frustrating because of how he acts around "mummy." I used to think he would grow out of this, now I have my doubts.
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Hey, fellow BCer here (I'm on
Hey, fellow BCer here (I'm on the island).
I feel your pain. My SKs were the clingiest cling-ons that ever clung, especially my SD33. It was to the point of obsession. I almost walked more than once because I wasn't the wife. The mini-wife was.
It sounds like your SS is a mini-husband. I note your name, "alwayslast." It's a really tough dynamic because it starts out due to a deep need in the parent who fosters that dynamic. It's hell because you won't get a break from it. The bio parent has to want to change things but they often don't because they're having a blast. It is the spouse who is suffering and not getting their needs met as a spouse. Then, there's having to endure delayed SKs who are way behind their peers due to their extreme dependency on their parent.
Can you go for counselling or get your SO to go to couples counselling with you? I've been in the game for 27 years and had to take extreme measures several years ago because I made the mistake of waiting it out. I thought that my SD would turn 18 and go to uni, get a BF or have friends and I'd get somewhat of a break from her being in the house and up DH's ass 24/7. I recommend doing something now rather than waiting it out because Disney parented SK, especially ones that become mini spouses, just do not meet milestones when their peers do, if ever. They don't get their drivers licenses, they don't get BFs or GFs, they don't even have friends like their peers do, and they certainly don't launch when their peers do. You are correct if you fear a 40 year old in Momeeee's basement. It is the bio parent who wants their child to never leave so they cripple them by infantilizing them, enabling them and indulging them. You are right that he won't just grow out of it. Quite often, as with my own DH, the bio parent will sabotage any sign of evolvement/maturity/independence to knock everything back into status quo.
you hit the nail on the head
I hear all of your concerns and share them. He is 8, but more like 4 around mom. I am seeing a bit of growth but not nearly as much as I should be. I don't see him as a mini husband because he doesn't contribute, more like a forever pre schooler. My wife is somewhat open to my concerns but feels she can't change him but at the same time, doesn't try. I am very concerned about him not hitting milestones. We will have to sell when we retire so no basement for him. He is with dad half the time and life is so much better when the kids aren't there.
I can offer a suggestion..
I can offer a suggestion.. get him a TV for his room.. make the living room an adult onlly TV?
at least he will now have a reason to not be underfoot
It's a cheap price for some peace.
I wish
He would never go for that and his mom would never make him. She says they had living rooms with her ex. He refuses to be by himself. He would have no choice if it was up to me
Then the SS clearly runs the
Then the SS clearly runs the house. Not an easy situation.
He’s 8 yo
put your foot down. At a certain time 6 pm. He goes into his room. Stays there. I am sure he has a TV. Gaming system. Homework to do. I mean not like jail . But not in control of living room. You need adult time with SO.
SO had adult time with the ex before SS a was born. You should have adult time too.
I agree
I am just thankful he is only here half the time. I try to be understanding because he only sees him mom half the time but the baby stuff is so ridiculous.