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Selfish?

allinall's picture

Submitted by allinall on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 4:49pm

After 4 years of dating, in 2 weeks I will be married and become an official stepmom. The BM in my life is not a very good one. While we pay healthy child support and share custody (every other weekend and full summers), my husband also must independently handle responsibilites including being the only parent to deal with the schools and ALL of the handling of extracurricular transportation and fees. (daily transportation accross two counties I might add...with THESE gas prices) My problem is that I am ready to be married and start my own family. My fiance is reluctant. Initially he has said that his reluctance is "primarily due to finances as he does not feel we have enough money to raise "another" child. This idea bothered me because we both seem to find the money to provide substantially for my SS. I have suggested to my husband that he take on a second job in order to help with additional finances. His response to that has been that "working too many hours will take away from him being able to do things with his son." When I asked him what we need to do in order to afford to have a child of our own, he was unable to provide any additional ideas. He says things like "you know our situation" and "things would be difficult with an additional child." I don't have any children of my own. We have always discussed having children of our own and I would not have agreed to marry him if he had told me didn't want children. I am very angry! I feel like I having all of these stipulations put on me to have a child of my own, while very litte is required of the BM to raise hers. He asked me what would be a good idea to help facilitate his son's activities if we have a child and his time becomes more obligated. I very aggressively told him to require that the BM help out. While he agreed that this would be a rational request, he feels that asking for help from her with travel to sporting practices and games would fall upon deaf ears. My thoughts are "oh well". He knew the type of women she was when he decided to parent with her. Why do my life plans have to be contingent upon what he is able to do with his son? None is this is my problem and I feel like he is being selfish to even ask me to consider all of this. I think that it is especially selfish of him to not want to take on more work for fear of not making it to flag football practice. However, I am expected to assist him with providing food, shelter, transportation and all of the comforts of home for his child when he is with us. My husband doesn't get it. He believes that I am supposed to do these things for his child, but he is not supposed to do anything for me, as his wife, because of his child. Does he really think I'm going to go for this????? SHEESH. Am I selfish to feel this way? Honest responses please...I can really use them.

Comments

shootingstarz's picture

Submitted by shootingstarz on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 5:13pm

I don't think you are being selfish at all! I would be pissed! Especially since you had already talked about having a child of your own, and now 2 weeks before your wedding he is changing his mind? If it were me, I'd leave. I know that's easier said than done when you are two weeks away from getting married. But he isn't being fair at all. I hope you can get through to him before your big day. Remember, it's your life. And it's a long life! And you deserve to have what you want! Good luck!

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 5:28pm

Well on one hand your husband is being pretty responsible worrying about his financial and time committment to his existing child before embarking on fatherhood again, but on the other hand he really should have considered his position on this much more carefully before committing to a relationship with someone who he knew wanted children of their own.

It may be that he's just got the jitters now it's seeming more like reality and is choosing the wrong person to vent his anxieties to - you, the one person who really wants to feel he's enthusiastic and positive about your future plans. I think I would recomment urgent couples counselling before you get married, the counsellor may be able to reassure him and help you both talk rationally about his concerns. He is scared that his relationship with his son will be jeapordised if he is seen to withdraw time and attention but ultimately it's not realistic to try to maintain exactly the same status quo until SS is an adult. For example BM could well marry again and have further children and be subject to the same adjustment of time and money with regard to providing for SS. Or your SO could lose his job, or get a better one. In any family when a new child arrives, adjustments have to be made. When I had my second child my first child got less one on one time with me, but had the benefit of a new playmate. New half siblings can help create a warmer and more relaxed family environment when stepchilden visit, as long as their arrival is handled tactfully and stepchildren don't feel pushed out. The adjustents only become more fraught when there is guilt involved, which is probably at the root of your husbands concerns over the impact of a new child. You may be able to work through that but I would really recommend doing that NOW, with help, rather than walking up the aisle with such a major source of conflict hanging over you.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 5:39pm

My DH isn't the nicest of people, but he has said many times that if a man wants to be with a woman, and she wants children, he doesn't have the right to say no. Of course, he also doesn't see the point in marriage if children are not involved.

I never would have married DH if I couldn't have children. I never wanted to worry about when I'm 60, and regretting not having had children. A skid is no replacement for your own!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 5:47pm

I'm sorry you're dealing with this Sad

Maybe he's afraid that SS will suffer if he has another child? It doesn't sound like BM is a great mom. If anything, she sounds neglect. This is something worth calmly discussing with him.

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 6:24pm

Oh wow, yeah definitely easier said than done. Id walk. A lot of times, especially after this weekend I wish I had. I get so sick of dealing with SD and BM. All the money goes to them. BM just blows it, and our BS often gets the back burner.

FDH is so stressed when SD is here, she has no manners, does not act like she should at 4. (she has great communication skills, and Id say is more mature than other 4 yr olds, but is rude, and seriously lacking some independence skills)

I got some great feedback on the site about how I felt about her bday party, and changed my opinion on it, but FDHs opinion on how to make the kids 'equal' still sickens me.

More $ will always be 'spent' on SD. *I* will be the sole provider for our BS. *I* will also be on the back burner along with BS when it comes to SD being first in FDHs life. If you truly want kids, and thats a definite in your book, doing so with a man that already has that type of financial and time obligations.. run.. fast.

Being a sole financial provider in a marriage is really frustrating. Given that my FDH takes care of our BS while I work, me paying for everything when I want to be the mom that gets to raise her child is very hard!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 6:54pm

You 're not selfish. He isn't either. You are both being honest and open about what you want. It just so happens that you both want very different things. You all have to decide if this is deal breaker. It would be for me.

unika32's picture

Submitted by unika32 on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 8:12pm

Absolutely NOT! You are not being selfish...the top 3 reasons for divorce are: finances, religion, and children! Do not go into marriage thinkn this idea of him not wanting more kids is gonna pass!

allinall's picture

Submitted by allinall on Sun, 09/25/2011 - 10:10pm

Thanks for all your responses. Ya'll kept it real and I appreciate it. I love this guy and he's not a bad dude. I just get so tired of him feeling like he has to take all of the responsibility for providing positive activities in his child's life. I want him to spell out responsibilities for child rearing to his BM just like he does for me instead of just sitting back and allowing her to do the minimum while he goes the extra mile. (Although he says that she is constantly complaining the he doesn't do enough.) If he wasn't so fearful of his child having a bad childhood due to the lack of support from the BM it think things would be a little less difficult for us. There is some evidence that his child is struggling socially and emotionally and my husband seems to feel guilty for that (although he says he doesn't). I see all of these things occurring around me (our finances, interaction with the BM and SS issues) but while I'm concerned, my concern doesn't really affect my wanting a family...soon. That's why I questioned my own selfishness. Perhaps it would be smart to wait a year or two for our finances to grow and for the SS to mature before starting a family. I just feel like waiting is kinda like me giving in to his needs though.