Teenagers and playing the parents against each other
I want to preface this by saying I have a very good relationship with my SD. I've been a mother type figure to her since she was 7 years old because her BM has had her head so far up her new husband's ass and is too concerned with being her friend, it just sort of happened. My DH is active and involved in the kids well being as well and does all the disciplining, does not allow disrepect in the home, and is a wonderful dad in general. MOST of my problems lie directly with BM being batshit crazy.
That being said, BM just had a new baby, a girl. There are SS and SD. SD being the oldest at 13. BM and step dad are very very conservative and DH and I are very very NOT. However, BM has allowed SD to dye her blonde hair red, chop it all off, and get second earrings. We don't care and are fine with those things, but it took a while for SD to convince BM to let her do it, and she ONLY agreed after the incident where StepDad slapped SD in the face and blacked her eye for calling her mom a bitch and telling her mom she wanted to live with us full time....
I am slightly worried that BM is going to slack off on paying attention (it being minimal at best right now anyway) because she has her new baby girl. I think SD is worried too because she's been doing dumb crap to get attention.
On Monday, she wore a liquor shirt to school. A shirt she begged me for over a year ago, that I told her she could have ONLY if she wore it to bed (it was a concert shirt that a liquor company promoted) and could NOT under any circumstances wear to school. Well, after all that time, she wore it to school. BM picks her up from school, calls DH and word vomits at him about it. DH's response "I don't know what she wore to school, she was still in her PJ's when I left for work." DH and I both leave pretty early and SD gets herself to school by bus on our days, so now, neither of us were aware of what she was wearing.
Well, guess who's getting blamed for it now...yup, that'd be me. I don't care so much about getting blamed, I'm used to it, and it's slightly hilarious to listen to her tirade to the therapist and the judges that I'm abusing her children because I gave them a shirt. *sigh*
When SD got home, DH and I talked with her, and I asked her why she did it. She said that "she turned it inside out before she left the house and only turned it right side out after 7th period gym class."
Wrooooong answer kid. So she admitted she KNEW it was wrong, otherwise she wouldn't have turned the stupid thing inside out.
DH jumps her ass for disobeying me. I tell her that I don't know why she did this, but I'm tired of being the scapegoat in this relationship and if she wants to piss her mom off, to do it at her mom's house. Of course, she does the typical teenage thing and is pissy and refuses family contact for the rest of the evening. DH finally gets out of her that she's upset when we "acuse her of playing the houses against each other..."
Of course, DH takes the bait and sucks up. I love him to death but I'm starting to worry that SD is going to play that card now every time she gets in trouble. Oh, BM's house is just so terrible and I hate it there...I had a sit down with DH last night and I told him the excuse was old. That SD KNOWS our door is open and all she has to do is take that final step through it and it's done but SHE WON'T. The only person she can blame at this juncture is herself. If she wants a relationship with her Mom so bad that she's doing stuff JUST to get negative attention, whatever, but she doesn't get to complain about how horrible it is and just keep living like that...
The problem is, now I wonder if the kid IS trying to keep us hating each other. The only thing that doesn't jive with that is she knows well that just because we say something is okay, doesn't mean she can do it. We let her stretch her ears out a tiny tiny bit (to a 12) and her mother forced her to take them out. BM has made it clear that our opinions mean nothing and SHE is the authority that SD should be seeking permission from...but I just don't know...
What do you guys think? Is this just a stupid teenage thing to garner attention after a new baby? Or do you think she's trying to be subtly manipulative? If it helps, pretend this is your bio daughter. She's a responsible kid (most of the time, she has her moments like all kids), she brings home straight A's, does what she's told, and rarely ever gets in trouble..
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I think she's pushing her
I think she's pushing her limits and is looking for attention. HOWEVER, she seems to have an awful lot of freedom at her age... red/blond/hair dye jobs, ear plugs, piercings, buying her a liquor t shirt at TWELVE...
Those might be things to look at. You can be "not conservative" and still have rules for a very young teen.
And I'm not a prude about this stuff. I bought my DS18 a tatoo for his birthday, my DD12 has her ear cartilage pierced, and I (gasp!!) buy her underwear from Victoria's Secret (the PINK side.)
I'm not quite clear... she lives primarily with her mother, right?
I was dying my hair at 12,
I was dying my hair at 12, not that it really matters because I'm not technically her parent, but I don't see it as a big deal.
Her mother originally let her do it "for the summer" and made her do temporary. But SD pushed and pushed, and after the incident, her mother let her dye it again (honestly it was really starting to look crappy). I had gotten her highlights and highlights only and cautioned her against going red (that's the color I do mine) because with her light hair, it was going to stain and it would eventually damage her hair.
I wouldn't really call them plugs. When you pierce your ear, it gets pierced with a 16 guage needle usually. A 12 is two sizes up and it what is standard fair for the initial pierce on like a belly button ring. It's not big by any stretch of the imagination. Her mother said it would prevent her from getting a job...
I didn't "buy" the shirt. I got it at a concert that was put on by a liquor company. It was like four sizes too big but it was the only size they had, I got it when I was in my early 20's and had it in a drawer forever. I was going through clothes and BD and SD were going through them and when SD asked for it, I initially told her no, but she begged and I told her she could ONLY wear it for bed. This happened OVER a year ago.
The kids are 50/50. Half us, half mom.
She does have rules at our house. The kid brings home straight A's and like I said, is mostly responsible. We give her a certain amount of personal freedom with things like her hair, clothes, and jewelry because she is a good kid.
Gotcha. Thanks for the
Gotcha. Thanks for the elaboration... it makes more sense now.
I catch flak all the time... IRL and on here because I'm not super conservative with my kids. Matter of fact, one poster said I made her "sick" because I was paying for my son's tattoo for his 18th birthday.
In this situation here, what teenage girl hasn't changed her clothes at school?
Same here. I just can't
Same here. I just can't really get mad at the kids for wanting to be different, because DH and I are different and the city we live in is very different, as long as they do the stuff they are supposed to do, we are both okay with giving them some personal freedom to do stuff to their appearance. I mean, it's THEIR self esteem after all. Of course, big things like tattoos and body piercings will wait until they turn 18. My SD wants to go get matching tats with me when she turns 18.
LOL, I didn't even think about that...I guess I should be thankful she's not changing clothes at school to look like a stripper!
CPS, who did absolutely
CPS, who did absolutely nothing.
This is hard because she
This is hard because she seems to be a really good kid. But she is using the new baby as an excuse and a scapegoat and that needs to stop. Stay focused. This entire issue is about her wearing a shirt to school that she knows she is not supposed to wear. Pure and simple. She deserves to be punished. I don't know what; Maybe she could write a letter of apology to you for betraying your trust, that is her true crime, and one to the teacher/principal (if the school noticed it). Her DH needs to suggest it and follow through on how she made you feel and how what she did was wrong, pure and simple. I am not saying she doesn't have other issues in her life, of course she does. But her mom having a new baby did not make her put the shirt on, she made a choice and she deserves a concequence. If she is having issues and would like to discuss them with her dad or you then she can use her words and talk about them.
I think that's an excellent
I think that's an excellent idea!
The school apparently didn't notice.