Just the Beginning
I feel lost right now - I'm in a place where I am not sure if I should leave my relationship or truck through it. My SO is wonderful to me - by far the best relationship I've ever had. He's a hard working man who cares about my future (I'm a student, pursuing a degree in Biology, hoping to go to PA school after this) and we discuss marriage often. Our relationship would probably be perfect if it weren't for his past and I feel horrible for saying that.
SS9 is from his previous marriage that ended six years ago. BM is a crazy woman who has a terrible temper. She has no qualms with calling up my SO to scream at home for any given reason and expect him to bend over backwards for what she wants, if he wishes to see his son. IF she isn't satisfied with that conversation, and even if she is, she'll call his parents and yell at them for awhile. BM is also still very good friends with my SO's sister in law, not so much his brother. They all keep up with each other on FB and to me that is irritating and too much involvement for a marriage that ended six years ago.
BM also lives in LA, we live in KS. Thank god for that, otherwise I'm sure I would run into her way too much and this relationship definitely would be over. She is very confrontational, irresponsible and has SS9 on two medications that I also disagree with A LOT. He has symptoms that are developing, which are consistent with Tourette's syndrom, and his medication is known to bring out those symptoms. Despite the fact that my SO tried discussing this with her in an adult manner, all she wanted to do was scream at him on the phone for an hour about how his stupid bitch ass 24 year old girlfriend needed to mind her own fucking business. Yes, she found multiple ways to scream this for an HOUR. I am not exaggerating.
Might I add that SO and BM got married after knowing each other for less than six months, because she got knocked up at two months. Their marriage was very rocky the entire four years that they were married, she had a lot of affairs and literally beat up on HIM trying to get a reaction. She. Is. Crazy. And SO's family still likes her....? I'm at a loss here. BM thought it was appropriate to tell my SO during this conversation that he and I were moving TOO SLOW and that we weren't even living together so she didn't see why I had any opinion on her son. Also, she would only consider my opinion when I was actually a stepmom, not a longtime girlfriend. Hmmm... Sorry BM, we take things slow and think about our futures instead of being impulsive like YOU. She's 26 or 27 and on her third marriage. Nice. This guy knew her for six months before they lived together. We'll see if this marriage lasts.
ANYWAY - I'm just so frustrated with all of the involvement from BM and in laws. It's overwhelming. I'm just not sure if it'll stop... Or if I can block it out.
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I am the girlfriend, yes. My
I am the girlfriend, yes. My SO and I live in the same apartment complex and might as well live together, the only reason why we don't is because we both have our leases to finish and the apartment manager doesn't offer a unit large enough for us to combine our things and live comfortably. We are always together, in one apartment or the other. It's a hassle, annoying, but it'll pass. After our leases are up, my SO is going to buy a house and we have been looking at the houses around the area for the past three months.
I am not a doctor, nor have I ever claimed to be. I do, however, pay attention to this child and have researched all of his medications after feeling like he was walking around like an emotionless zombie and starting to twitch and blow on his hands. SS9 blames those actions on the medication, himself, and everyone just gets onto him about his actions rather than looking into what they're putting into this child. I'm sorry, my SO tells me that he expects me to have a parental position in his son's life if we maintain such a close relationship and I'm not willing to sit back and watch these symptoms increase without pointing them out to my SO.
I will agree that it is unimportant about how BM maintains a relationship with, it's still irritating.
I'm guessing that you don't
I'm guessing that you don't have one on one contact with BM, I'm also guessing that your SO told BM in a coversation with her that YOU were the one who was suggesting that SS has medication issues etc. Bad move on your SO's part. Your SO is the parent here, he should not have thrown you under the bus to psycho BM, he should never pass his concerns off as coming from you.... IMHO. That is just asking for psychotic BM backlash.
I was there when he discussed
I was there when he discussed it with her... Rather, tried discussing through the nonsense. He discussed it with her from his point of view and didn't mention me. Of course she asked if he got his ideas from me and he said that he had talked with me about it. He DID say that he has always had an issue with the medication but never had the backbone to say anything until dating me though. I had to shake my head on that one. He coulda done without it in my opinion. Oh well.
why do your ILs entertain
why do your ILs entertain her? My MIL entertains BM#1 and her mother under the ruse that she "has to be nice to them or she won't be able to see SD" DH has called bull on that many times. MIL honestly likes to keep in contact with them because she likes to gossip and she loves drama. DH gets ticked and so do I, that these people who have screwed DH too many times to count seem to be more important to MIL than upsetting us over her being friendly with them.
I swear to you, this is how ridiculous MIL is... a few years back, DH was renting a house we own to BM#1 because she came to him with some sob story about how her boyfriend was beating her and she had to get out and had no place to go. The house happened to be empty so DH thinking mostly about keeping SD safe, agreed. Well, BM payed the rent for about 6 months and then up and quit paying. We ended up having to have her evicted. During the eviction process we had to serve her a notice that had to be notarized. I am a notary, but because I was going to serve the papers, I was not able to notarize, so DH asked MIL who is also a notary. The night that we went to have MIL notarize, this is what she said "Oh, I don't want BM seeing my name on here, I don't want her getting mad at me" DH hit the roof.... he was like "So this skank just cost us around 5,000.00 between court fees, non-paid rent and utilities and damage done to the house and you are worried about BMs feelings?????"
At least your lucky in that BM lives so far away. why don't you block BM on FB, that way you don't have to see her being buddy, buddy with IL's? Have you or your DH told your IL's that their relationship with BM makes you uncomfortable?
I am not sure why SIL
I am not sure why SIL entertains her, much less MIL. I've heard so many horror stories about her temper from my SO's mother, father, and obviously himself... If that were ME and a relationship I had gone through, I can guarantee my family would have MY back and not want any contact with the ex. They would leave it to me to be civil, and only talk to the ex if it were necessary. That's how I think it should be. Not this family. SIL is a hardcore Christian, always spreading the word of God, but will call BM and gossip the second she hears anyone mention BM's name at a family event. Then, lo and behold, we get phone calls with her screaming at us. SMH.
I have discussed with my SO how it offends me that his mother talks about BM all the time, every time I am around. On Christmas day she thought it was appropriate to tell me about my SO's wedding and his brother's wedding, laughing about how BM had a bad temper and was angry through my SO's brother's wedding because someone stepped on her dress, etc. I was like, wow... really?
My SO finally realized that it WAS happening every time I saw his family and talked to his mom. Now she has resorted to telling me before she's going to talk about BM, "Oh, I apologize in advance, I'm going to talk about HER for a minute". My SO made a LOT of headway telling her honestly how it's rude and disrespectful for them to talk up the BM when they know that I've been involved for a long time. (not)
Oh, and I just blocked her on
Oh, and I just blocked her on FB. Not sure why I didn't think of that in the first place.
I agree with the above. You
I agree with the above. You need to have him stop the harassment and cease all communication with her. But, I do agree that if you are not married or living together you are the GF and I would care less about your opinion as well.
What had happened was one
What had happened was one morning, I woke up distraught about SS and what was happening with him. I posted a status saying, "Doing research, parents who medicate their children for their own benefit make my blood BOIL". My SO's mother left a long comment about how there were five generations in her family who had sleep issues and it had always been a household argument as to whether she would medicate my SO for his sleep issues. They didn't. That was about it. My SO called his ex to discuss the medication with her for about the second or third time after I showed him all my research about side effects. He said nothing about me, but she knew about my status somehow, and went on a rampage about that. I've never directly spoken with her. She has a new husband and a baby on the way with him, but my SO has not met him or talked with him. I didn't feel an obligation to meet her or talk to her after finding that out.
I agree with you about hanging up. But this isn't how SO and his family have handled it for the past decade. They all stand by the fact that she was raised in a household where screaming was the way to communicate upset feelings and she has "gotten better" over the years. Scary, I know. His theory is that if he tries to maintain a calm attitude and let her get it all out, once she's done screaming for 45 minutes, they can talk like adults for 15. Yet, she can call, yell at him, and hang up then send text messages threatening a lawyer... Then two hours later text and apologize and it's just "whatever" to my ex. When she is screaming disses at him about me and him, he'll just sit there and repetitively say the same thing, which the other night was, "I have some serious reservations about my son's medication and I think we need to try something else, get him re evaluated". He said that probably 15 times. It was frustrating to sit there and see him just take it.
My family really likes my SO. They think he is great. Until Thanksgiving not much was ever directed at ME, and they just felt bad that my SO's son was in such a shitty situation between his parents. After calling and talking to my mom yesterday though, she was questioning whether I was prepared to deal with this for at a minimum of eight more years. She always jokes about being excited for my SO and I, wants us to get married and have kids... But I think she's waiting for me to get tired of the BM BS...